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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I want your advise on this problem Ive been in a long-term

Customer Question

I want your advise on this problem: I've been in a long-term relationship of 10 years with my boyfriend, (Im 55 & he's 58), which has sustained trials & tribulations of all kinds and we've always seem to survived together. For example, I was sick with breast cancer and he was there for me all the way from my diagnosis through my treatments, etc. , he also was there for me when my mom was dealing with her cancer (which unfortunately did not survive). This man was very loving, compationate, caring, trustworthy, honest, you name it. The issue is that since last year, he's been acting strangely in his behavior. He lost his job, his mother died this April and he moved back with his 88 year old father. This man was staying with me while I was ill and before that, spent time with me every weekend and called me on the phone every day. I felt loved and happy with him. Since then, I see less and less of him. He said that he feels depressed and that's the reason why he is withdrawn for me and our friends. I went to visit him and discussed the situation telling him to seek help from a professional in mental health. At first he wouldn't hear of it but later he agreed to go if I went with him . I told him I would. I have put a lot of time and effort in this relationship and so has he. We were talking about marriage before all of this occured. I asked him how he views our relationship at this point, whether he want to be friends and he said, "I was hoping we could be more than just friends". The problem is that although we don't live too far, he never comes by to see me or calls like he used to. He started to call me a little since his mom passed but then stopped. He did remember my birthday and sent me a card saying that he hoped to get over his cold & sore throat so he can see me real soon!! That was a month ago, and I still yet haven't heard from him. I've sent emails and he hasen't answered them. I want to help him because I love him and he said he loved me too, but its hard to do anything living apart and not communicating as we should. I don't want to quit on him after all he's done for me and because I care for him but he should cooperate a little and let me help him get treated for his depression. What can I do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
He has gone through a lot and sounds like he is still dealing with a lot. You had cancer which would be so devastating too him because he would have never wanted the one he loves sick. He lost his mom and his job. He needs that time to heal and deal with all his emotions. Losing someone you love you go through stages it is very difficult to lose a parent. He now has moved back with his father and I feel t is because that is the one parent he has left and he is spending as much time as he can with him, taking care of him being there. He feels that now he has to focus on his dad after losing his mom. His life changed fast losing his job and that is very hard to owe a job that you go to everyday. It defis who you are as a person. A lot has gone on in his life. Some times people back away from the one that love because they are afraid to lose them. He could be afraid of losing you. I feel that. You should still try and contact him and tell him how you feel maybe in a letter that you are their for him, that you care and want to be a part of his life. Keep trying, you might hear from him, he understands how you feel.

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