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Ask Dr. Norman Brown Your Own Question
Dr. Norman Brown
Dr. Norman Brown, Marriage Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1200
Experience:  Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples
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hello, I would like to add up with a question related to

Customer Question

hello,

I would like to add up with a question related to an issue i got some answers on 3 days ago..
You see iit's about my issue with this girlfriend that in the begining of the realionship had been hidding smal stuff for..It went back one those episodes but now lately i got a little caught or i told her that i had to not been honest about this very silly thing i said i had, which was about this apoinment. A very silly thing..She got very angy at me that day calling me a lier and things..I got to talk some with her the next day and she said she had this trust issue with me now and she had to think though things.You see we live in this long distance relationship in different countries so the first week i can only caunt one day which we had somehow an ok tone chatting with each other..I talked with her on the phone the day after and she said she had to trust a person and that she was very upset,she also said that she had to think..I tried to explain that i got caught in these different situations which i either felt to emarressed or to ashame to tell some right away.The fact is that i never tended to lie or hide anything for her and i feel so awefull..It's over about 3 weeks and during the last week she hasen't showed herself to much on the chat which we suually use to comunicate with..She showed up a little a during this week but when i try chatting with her she is very short in her answers and i don't get in nice conversaion with her..Yesterday she just logged out by saying i have to go and that i'll catch up with you some other time..I'm very frutraded and sad about the situation..I've writen her a letter last week trying to explain by feeling for have hidded these things i did for her and wy i felt my reason was at the time was.I also said how she ment to me and that i'm not a lier but just caught in stupit situations..I fliped out last a little last week by saying if you need got any thoughts about our relationship and that you want to end it you should tell me these things and stuff..Maybe shoulden't have friped out that way but i didn't get any reply on that..So after now with that short chat with that she just came with i'll catch up with you some other time made me very frutraded and sad again..So where do i go from here? i wanted to ask her if she would like me to come and viist her next month but i was unsure if that would be an ok thing to ask for right now? I'm just very frutraded..

Thanks for the answer :)
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Norman Brown replied 5 years ago.

nphbrown :

I can't understand whether the things that were hidden in the beginning were hidden by her or by you. Can you explain that?

nphbrown :

I think the frustrations you have over her jumping to conclusions and you not being able to make her see things from your side of the phone and actually reach an understanding and safety with each other are big. But such misinterpretation happens all the time on the distance communication media. Most of the relationship goes on in the heads of each of you separately, so each of you builds the kind of romantic aircastle that suits your present needs and fantasies.

nphbrown :

Sooner or later these separate imaginary romances will have to clash with reality and start to exist with more realistic expectations. I would write her that you do want to come see her, and tell her that you don't want these emotionally based misunderstandings to sabotage your relationship. So you would like to visit her and talk in person about what you might be able to be as partners. It's a risk on your part, yes. but if she doesn't want to talk, it might mean that she's much happier with a virtual romantic relationship than with a face to face one in person where the outcomes are so much more unpredictable and responses have to be coached

nphbrown :

I'd say the sooner you find out whether you both want a relationship the oldfashioned way, the sooner you can build something worth having, instead of a fantasy conversation that could trip over itself at any moment.

nphbrown :

Norman Brown, PhD, LMFT

Customer :

Well when i said hidden tere was some things at the beginning i felt a little unconforable saying at first like with some of my medical situation and these things.After reveling them she didn't get very sad or frutraded but just a little upset about why i coulden't say them before and why i held back on it.But the biggest issue now has been about this very stupit thing i've twisted that just was about this apoinment that i said i had..We have made plans about our relatiosnhip and been viising each other many times..I'll always treated her nicely and never cheated on her which she trust i haven't..So it's just a little confusing when i'm not able to get her to open about things now and that she is not open to me at the time.? From the last relatiosnhip coach i got had conatch with here she said that i should wait with the conact becouse she is not able to get here mind strait when she feel like you are hunting for an apoligize..So just felt a little frutraded when i didn't get to much out of her on thsi last conversaion.

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