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My boyfriend, Dave, of 7 years just lost his sister. She has

an 8 year old son...
My boyfriend, Dave, of 7 years just lost his sister. She has an 8 year old son that my boyfriends parents are raising. Dave has a big family and we're all very close. Dave and I moved to where we are now and bought a house so he could be close to his family and I close to mine. He has been in school and hasn't worked for most of relationship. A week before his sister died, unexpectedly, he got his first full time job. His nephew was born drug addicted and has problems from that. Dave also has problems with drug addiction but has been clean for the vast majority of our relationship. Since his sister died he wants to move closer to his family to help raise his nephew. I have 6 nieces & nephews of my own and moving closer to 1 family puts us further away from the other. We both want to move at some point but he wants it to be sooner rather than later. We have a house, 2 dogs and both full time jobs where we are. I asked if the nephew could move closer but Dave says that not an option. He sees them a couple of times a month. I feel like since he has a full time job now, that I can take time off from work to see my young relatives more. Since it took a long time for him to find a job, I've been working and supporting us. If we were to move closer, his big problems of addiction would most likely resurface since they do on occasion when we visit. I like his family, I'm not sure I'm ready for a huge commitment of raising a child and I have been absent for my nieces and nephews to support Dave. I've told Dave this and he said that he is moving and he wants me to go with him but he'll move without me if need be. I feel like I've given up a large part of my life for us. I understand the tragedy and would like to be there for his nephew but also mine. Please help. Thanks!
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Answered in 38 minutes by:
9/8/2011
MrsRuss0114
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 215
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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Russ0114 :

Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.

Russ0114 :

Hi there.

Russ0114 :

This is a most unfortunate prediciment that you're in as it sounds like family is very important to the both of you.

Russ0114 :

I'm going to be perfectly honest with you, it sounds to me like you've made some sacrifices and put in a lot of work to support both you and Dave when he was not working.

Russ0114 :

The fact that he stated that he will move with or without you gives me a little pause.

Russ0114 :

The both of you have families whose lives you want to be a part of and they all are equally important to both of you.

Russ0114 :

When you say you want to move, did you two talk about where that would be (in the same general area you're in now, closer to his or your family)?

Russ0114 :

When you talked about moving closer to his family was this prior to him wanting to move sooner than planned? And what were your plans regarding your family?

Russ0114 :

I think just as he's finding the time to be a part of his nephew's life, you have to take/make the time to be a part of your family's life.

Russ0114 :

The two of you should really find a time to sit down and talk about this and share with him just what you've shared with me. That you want to find a way for the both of you to stay together but also a way that both of you can do what's important to each of you and that's be a part of your families.

Russ0114 :

Have the two of you discussed what the dynamic would possibly look like if you have children? As this is also something to consider.


 

Russ0114 :

So, you have to really decide how much more you're willing to sacrifice.

Russ0114 :

It's not fair for Dave to tell you what your family does or doesn't need because he should know how you feel about wanting to be a part of their lives.

Russ0114 :

It sounds to me as if you're always the person sacrificing and there needs to be some compromise otherwise you may end up resenting Dave and/or your relationship if you just give in to what he says he needs and wants.

Russ0114 :

He's clearly made his decision and it doesn't sound like he's really factored you in unless you're willing to just go along with everything he says, needs and wants.

Russ0114 :

I'm not sure (but I can be wrong) that that's the way you want to live the rest of your life. I agree, the loss of his sister is very tragic but the reality is someone loses someone daily but we also have to figure out how to go on to live our lives. I get that he wants to be there for his nephew but there are ways to do that w/o completely dismissing what it is that you want.

MrsRuss0114
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 215
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thanks for helping out.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
We talked about moving to another state thats closer to his family. There's no income taxes so im hoping that would lessen how much I have to work.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
He wants to live close enough to pick his nephew up from school. He says that he needs to be a bigger part of his life. As it now he's gone almost every weekend, which is the only time we have together. Im willing to compromise but he is set on one thing and feels like he has to be the father now that his sister died. The biological father is out of the picture. I'd like to find a way to stay together and be a part of both our family's lives but I feel like he had the opportunity while I was solely working and now because of the death he wants more and I'll never get the chance to be more active in my family.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
We talked about moving before his sister died and we talked about living in different places. During this time I wanted to take a week or 2 off and visit my family or have them come down to our house. But now we can only move closer and he wants to help his nephew more than ever. I understand that but I can't show Dave that he's hurting us. I don't think he's ready for the commitment of child raising and I know I'm not. I'm a very happy uncle. Dave says my young family doesn't need me as much because they have a mother and a father.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I have told him this and he tells me that he 'has' to be there for his nephew. I've given up a lot and his sisters death is tragic and since then his family situation has reached a new level of importance. I feel like I won't ever get the chance to spend more time with mine if we move and raise a child.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I want to help out his family too but changing our lives completely, especially since his nephew can't move, is too much. I think it's unreasonable given our past.
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MrsRuss0114
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