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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I am not sure how to ask this question. I have a brother who

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I am not sure how to ask this question. I have a brother who has a problem with drinking and has a problem with drugs and has done them all. He has a child with his girl friend and she had a child from another relationship. My brother had lost his driver licence from a DUI and has not had one in at least five years. Over the last 3 and a half years I have tried to be a good example for him give him advise because I did not believe he was doing the right things. I would come over and he would not come out of his room for hours because he was doing some kind of drug back there mostly Marry Jane and every now and then try to get me to do it with him. Punched holes in the walls, broke the window his girl friend wore long sleeve shirts to hid bruises on her arms from him squeezing her. She would call me and ask me to come by because he would not act that way around me. This is really a very short explanation because there is so much I do not know how to put it down. Basically over a period of time I begin to have feeling for his girl friend. I wanted to protect her and the kids. Before I last deployed we exchanged email addresses and talked and found we like each other alot. In the last three months she and my brother got evicted from there home and they broke up. I came up there to help them get there stuff out of the house and take my brother home. Since then she and I have continued to talk and we have both gone to see each other. The question is am I wrong for liking her and wanting to be there for her and I know we care for each other. We have spent the weekend with each other already. Should I end this because of she was my brothers girl friend? To complicate things more she and I slept together. I know she loves me just by the way she looks at me and the way she holds me. And to make things even more complicated I was not thinking and got her pregnant which we have taken steps in order to prevent a baby due to our situation and she said she did not want any more children. I love here want to protect her and even told her that in time marry her. I am I weird to feel this way for her? I know I would make a good father have been told that many times. I just want her to be happy and alive. I wish you could see how bright her eyes are now. Her son even asked me to be his dad. I just like her and give everything she deserves to her to my best ability. 

I don't think that you are weird or a bad person to be in this relationship. Your brother and her aren't together. He obviously can't be counted on to do the right thing. He may be upset at first but they are not together and they are not married. You have a right to be with who you want. If you are both single you did nothing wrong. Their relationship has run its course and whatever happens after that is up to fate. I cannot speak for her getting pregnant but the same rules apply. You have to be concerned with being a couple over her being in a relationship with someone who is more concerned about drugs. Whatever he lost he did by his own hands. The only draw back I see is that you don't want to be with her because you are saving her from her chaos. You want to be together for the right reasons. If it is truly because you care about each other then so be it. If he is upset remind him that he has done everything to ruin his relationship. That isn't your fault


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I got an text message from my brother saying that they are getting back together. I have decided to cut my heart and close it off to her and everything that has to do with her. I wonder what I did wrong. I did not want to cut off my family maybe I should have for her. I can not deal with this I am going to sleep like I have always done. I will cut ties with her and never talk with her again. I do not want to know what happens to her or her family again. I am done. any other situation I think I would be the hero.
I totally agree! I think you have been very patient. Go on and know that you did the right thing. You can't do more than what he allows. Focus on you
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She says that she left me because she found where I had looked at a porn site just before she came down here and that really hurt her, but the whole time she was here she was talking with my brother about getting back together. I feel the only reason she is doing this is because of the kids and some how she can still be close to me. I like to think that any way because when I look in to her eyes and the way she touches me. When she texted me and asked me why I was on those sites when she was driving down here to see me I only gave lame excesses because I had no real reason to be there except to pass time and I like looking at the girls and I am single. but still I feel so bad that she left here feeling that way. I have told her I was sorry and I thanked her for the best 5 days of my life. She said she was confused after I found out she had been texting derek and asked her if she wanted to get back with him. She said she loved me. I got angry because just before Derek texted me some pictures I took of her and and the kids at the zoo we went too. I sent the pictures she sent to Derek to her and said the one thing that will never change is that I love you no matter what. I just ask you to carefully look at derek. And if you decide that I am not the one for you pick a man who is better than me. Even then I will still love you and care for you. I will be a little hurt for a while but as long as that man brings out you happiness the smile you have and the brightness of your eyes that I see is when you are with me is 100 times more important than being with me. I would be happy knowing that. If going to Derek is what makes you happy then I will support you there too. I just do not trust him as far as I can throw him. I could not go back. And that is just my opinion and I will still be there for you and the kids. I then asked her to ask other people to see what they think because that is what I have done and wanted to know if I was doing the right thing. and I would do it again. I then said I was not a very smart person but I feel that if our love is true love then there will be away for us to be together. And that is my prayer. The next day she just asked me how I was but I was still a little mad at her for sending the pictures then she got mad at me and that is when she told me about seeing in my history of all the porn web sites I had been too. That is not an easy thing to do on this computer I had to sit here and think how to do that. She saw I have been to those sites alot and that I was on the site the day before she got here. I could not deny that I had been. She was mad because I was looking at all those woman and not thinking about her and that was why she was sleeping in her clothes that night. That night I was scared crap-less because she just told me she was pregnant and I was not even thinking about sex and because she had her clothes on she was really feeling bad about the hole thing. She told me she did not want another child. I was scared crap less and the whole situation was in the back of my mind but I was willing to do what she wanted. she still has not talked with me just text. I could not come up with a good reason why I was on those site other than I was looking at the girls. I told her some stupid excuss that I was looking for someone like her there because I did not think I could have her. I am so stupid to say something like that. She told me that she could not be a woman that had a boyfriend or a husband that was looking a porn and she was not judging me and she could not handle all that. I then told her she was my fantasy and I would not go to those sites ever again. I had no need for those sites. She sent me pictures of herself when I was deployed and asked her if she saw that I had those picture and if she wondered how many times I thought of her. She called my bluff and let me have it again and said She and I were together!! Or so she thought and that I did have her but I still wanted to look at those sites just a few days ago. Then I told more bull about how I was just there to get experince to better please her. I and that I had not been with many woman which is true. I then said that the one thing I am learning is that I should be talking to her about how to please her. the woman I love. I am so sorry I hurt you. I am truly sorry I never meant to hurt her. I then asked her if that was the only thing she found I done wrong? I said I would stop what ever I am doing to make you angry with me. You are my girl and I only want to do what is right by you. I meant that. That is when I asked her if we could stop fighting about the sites I went to and told her I would never go there again.I also said I thought she knew I would do anything for her and never to hurt her. That is when I started to get mad and sent her the picture my brother sent to me saying they where getting back together and she was going to move down here. I told her I did not mind her sending those pictures or do I mind you are talking to him about getting back together. I knew she was talking to him even before she came down here to be with me. I said seeing those pictures did hurt me. And if the hurt I felt was even close to how you felt looking on my computer then you know what I mean. Those pictures were some of my favorite pictures I have of her. My dream girl yes my fantasy woman. She is so worried about her breast she does not like them. So I said to in light of the porn site I go too.That I love to look at you and do not know how many times I wanted to look at her breast( in the bed room) and make love with her. I do love you Heather I never would do anything to deliberately hurt you in any way. I will not stop you from going back to him if that is what you want. I completely understand. I did do wrong by looking at those sites. Again I am sorry. I told here then why I thought she wore clothes to bed that night. Then I said; I have told you many times I always wanted to see your eyes shine so bright I have to wear shades. And would tear my own heart out knowing I did something to stop you from smiling or laughing. I ask her to listen to Dream Girl by Dave Mathews band. I then said good night and sweet dreams to her. But I did not sleep I was really really hurt. I knew we may not last but I did not want to be this way. Then talking to my parents she sent my brother a gift candy and a card saying she misses him. She sent it to him express mail. I was so angry I sent her a text saying Hey Derek is really happy with the gift you gave him. It is very good to hear you guys are working things out. I am so happy for her. I then felt bad for saying that and wrote to her saying that I know you have to do what is best for Jacob and Avalie.I said that because when she said she was confused that Avalie keeps calling for her daddy making it very hard on her. I do not want it to end this way so I wrote back say this: I am just so so sorry that on the last day you were with me I made you feel that way. I will always love you. I think you are the most beautiful woman I have ever held hands, had the pleasure of kissing and make love with. Being with you those five days was the best I have ever had in my life. Thank you for that gift. I will never forget. I will never forget your pink shirt and brown dress you wore on the weekend I came to see you and when we went to the base had dinner at the mellow mushroom. You are so beautiful. Thank you.

I guess I am asking is there something more I could do to change the situation. Something that would alow me to keep talking to her even as a friend because she still will not text me or call me. I just did not want us to end this way. I know she is a very jealous woman because I told her I talk to a girl on facebook and she did not talk with me for three days. During this last week she got on to my brother case because she was not able to get in touch with him for three days lol his phone was out of minutes and he told her that was going to happen. But she wanted to know who he was seeing lol. I got that information from my mom. She knows I like heather but does not know how far I have gone with her. She may have a clue because I talk to her but can not tell everything. What a mess I have gotten myself into. And I still want her to talk with me lol. I have to go thank you for listening. Is running away from her the best thing I could do? Or let her cool down and be her friend. I like to think she is doing this because she wants to do what is right for the kids and to be close to me also.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am sorry about the writing I just sent I did not read it I was venting. I do not really want to loss this girl. I do love how she looks at me and the way she held me and how she kissed me. I am hoping she does love me like she said and doing this to make her feel better finding a flaw in me giving her a reason to do what she did and to cover what she was doing. Because deep down she and I knew our relationship would not work because of the people involved. Or that last statement was somehow keeping me from being 100 percent for her because I was afraid of hurting my brother and she felt that somehow. No woman should be unhappy that is why I asked her to think long and hard about getting back with my brother. And why I said that if she did not want to be with me she needed to find a better man than me. Because I want her to be happy. I just hope because I said that she thought I was breaking it off with her and she used the porn site thing to break it off first because it would make her feel a little better if I was some how worse than my brother. I do not understand why she will not talk or leave me a message to tell me to leave her along or I am one big jerk.
This is obviously a situation that has become very uncomfortable. She may be avoiding that feeling by not showing any connection to you in terms of putting that message out there. It is easier to leave no message than one that is painful. Talking would be painful as well. It is not surprising that she offers no insight into what has happened or how she sees your role. Sometimes it is easier to deal with emotions by avoiding. She may or may not by using the porn. You don't know what she is using. But for now you have to not focus on what she is using but moving past your pain. Instead now focus on you.

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