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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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On July 1st my fiancée (which I lived with at the time) verbally assaulted me, my daughter and her friend. My daughter’s friend is gay and when my fiancée saw him in our house he lost his temper (because he was already upset with me over some money issue) and among other things told me to “get that faggot out of my house”. So we all left. Previously to this incident I was on the fence about whether or not I should marry him, this did it for me. I couldn’t believe he could be so cruel and vicious. He leased two cars while we lived together. I drive one, he drives the other. I make both payments. He cannot afford either one on his own. I have told him I will pay for his car until January then he will have to decide what to do about it. He is convinced that we will be getting back together. He wants to go through counseling. I do not want a life with him. I cannot live with him. I have told him these things flat out, but he continues to try to “woo” me again. I agreed to dinner last night, had a nice time, but after I knew I did not want to do this again and have no desire to see him again. I have been too wishy washy with him. I know that I have told him to his face what I feel, but then I back down and go to dinner and give him the impression that he has a chance with me again. How do I convey my feelings, stick to my word, and end this amicably? Should I take his phone calls, his invitations? Should I just get my stuff out of his house and leave the car with him and say good luck chuck? A part of me feels guilty that his credit will be ruined by my return of the car, but the other part of me looks at the $10,000+ of upgrades that I did to his house and have to walk away from and I figure it evens out. Just not sure where to go from here…
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
What happens in relationships is you remember all the good things when your not together, you miss the life you once both had, so you end up thinking things will be the same as they use to. When you go out to dinner with him, you have a good time, but you realize later that things will never be the same. Its hard some times to fully let go and not accept invitations, specially when he is confident that you both will get back together. But you want to make the decision to move on. I want you to really thinks bout your feeling for him. Ask yourself do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with him. One thing that helps in deciding how you feel is when you wake up in the morning you picture your life without. See how you feel if he was no longer in your life. If you have any more questions I am here to answer. Him saying a mean comment made you see him differently.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thinking of my future is why I decided I cannot have one with him. I honestly don't see him being a part of my life as we get older. My adult children do not like him and want nothing to do with him. One of my fears of staying with him is that when they start having children I will not be able to be a huge part of their lives like I am now. They have both stated that they will not visit his house again.

How do I tell this man that yes, I loved him, still love him to some extent, but even though we had a wonderful life, after he was so mean I just clicked off? I just can't seem to find the words to describe how I feel, but I just can't live with him anymore. What do I say to him without backpeddling like I usually do to try not to hurt him so much?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
Your children do not get along with him and made it clear they will not be visiting. This must be something that is a huge problem for you. You love this man, but you can not see a future with him anymore. It is very important that your childes like who you are with because it can be difficult. But I want you to think about how you would feel if your children loved him. Would this change how you feel? You feel like you can't describe how you feel, but you know that you can no longer live with him. Can you see yourself living in different places and dating?
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