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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I agree with what you are saying. He is very controlling and

Customer Question

I agree with what you are saying. He is very controlling and likes to call the shots. When we dated, 80% of our relationship was around him and his schedule. I didnt really realize that unitl i looked back on things. He pretty much controlled everything and i let that happen. I honestly thought I was being caring, supportive and loving. I mean i was those things, but he used them to his advantage, and it only fed his control and abuse. And yes, he does bait me, and i clearly take the bait. I bellieve him when he says he wnts things to be different. But then he quits replying and it leaves a big mark of confusion. Also, i think I am having a hard time seeing that someone I chose to love and put a lot of trust in, isnt who I really thought he was. it is hard to look at being that i am young. I know I am giving him control, and i want my control back, I am just not sure how to do that???
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
If he is controlling then he hasn't changed. People needing control hardly ever change. It is so important for them to have control that they cannot give that up to someone else. If you want to end this you have to do so by taking back control. This means no answering texts. You have to appear strong and resilient at all times. When you answer him he thinks he has a way into your heart again. That doesn't say I am no longer interested. If he plays games then you have to make it appear that he can't. That means no contact. Otherwise he thinks he has a way in and that you are open to his advances
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
well my ex called me last week and was ....welll he was cold, mean and just being him.!! So after that I text him and said tht i would alwyas love him in some way, but that I was tired of hurting and fighting. I also told him that i did not regret our relationhip, jsut how things have been handled since then. I felt i was respectfull etc. I saw him a couple of times this week and he tried to smile and be friendly.

Well i woke up this morning to a text from him that was confusing. it said" i have been thinking about things and how i feel. and what i have come up with is that i could see us potentially dating again, but idk if i would ever feel the same way about you. I could be wrong though. no, i havn completely gotten over you or things, but i am getting better. i think its best that we move forward and things will get better in time. you have someone else, so enjoy life."
then he sent another text that said .." if you disagree let me know, i dont want you to feel bad about things."

this is confusing...we broke up because of his controlling, unkind behavior. He then insisted that he was completley over me over and over. jSo i did eventually move on and star t seeing someone else. That is when he started this text stuff again. . SO it sounds as if he is still only concerned with himself, and its liek its all my fault. the message was sounded like he is moving on, but not at the same time. Please help me understand thais
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
It sounds like he is moving on but he wants the best of both worlds. He may want to date but not exclusively and that he still will not feel the same way. This gives him all the benefits and he doesn't have to commit. I also get that it is your fault (according to him). He seems to blame you having someone else like you were supposed to hang around while he moves on. I think this is an example of selfish thinking and that he hasn't changed at all. He openly seems to be playing with your feelings. I would text him back that you aren't interested in dating or anything else. So you give him something to blame you for.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
well my ex- boyfriend started contacting me agian about 2 weeks ago. He did not understand why i dont make eye contact with him at school.. I explained that there was no reason to since we were not friends, and he had not been nice. So then he began contacting me more often, once he found out that I was single again. So about 10 days ago he asked if he could come to my house. I said yes. We had not been alone together in 4 months. I was really nervous and not sure what to expect. When he got here he gave me a great big hug. Then we talked for a while. AFter about an hour, I had turned around, and before I knew what had happened he kissed me. Well all of these feelings came rushing back for both of us. We agreed that something was there and decided to see what would happen. So the next day he even brought up dating. He also asked me a lot of personnel quesiotns about me ex. So the next day he wanted to hang out, and called me etc. Well the day after that he heard that I had kissed a boy about a week before he came over to my house. He proceeded to yell at me in front of my school. He said that i was not loyal to him etc. When i kissed the boy, he and i werent even friends agian. He freaked out and treated me like he did when we dated. He came over that night and told me tht i needed to prove to him that I had feelings for him and thqt i would be loyal to him. All of this after we had been talking for 3 days. I was honest I siad that yes i still loved him, but that i did like the other guy. I wsnt going to date the other guy though. So we agreed to take things slow. That same night he blurted out that he was in love with me ( which he never does) he is scared to tell people he loves them, because he says they all leave. WEll since then he has been all over the place with his feelings. ONe day he says he is going to keep his options open for other girls, then the next he tells me he cares for me. Then he sees me at school and doesnt talk. WEll i confronted him on this the other night. He said he does care for me as a person and yes he loves me, but he does not want to get hurt. And when I told him that I liked another guy it hurt him. Buy this time I had told the other guy that i could only be his friend. I am so confused. This guy randomly bloww back in my life tells me he loves me and wants to date again, now he is backing off. AFter confronting him the othr night, he said that he did not want to get to emotinally attached and get hurt. He also said that yes he loved me, but we needed to slow down. So i said that yes i loved him, but that i respected his feelings and that was his choice. well yesteray he texted me and said he had strong feelings for me and still wanted try agian and see what would happen. He said that he wanted to date me. I told him that we could see what happens and take itslow. well 3 hours later he said that we should be friends first and then see about moving closer. I was like what the ok, but i said ok. tHen about 2 hours after that he said that we should keep things casual and light and more fun. That way we dont get too emotinally attached. I am so confused. I dont know that to think, and i have no clue why he is doing this. this same guy freaked out when we broke up. We broke up becasue he never made time for us, and he blew me off. And after being patient, I had nad enough. He then blames me for leaving him etc. Never looking at his part. Please help me understand why he is dong this now, and please help me with what i can do??
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

He seems like a huge game player. There are people that feel powerful just because they have the upper hand by causing confusion. A guy serious about a relationship does not send all these mixed signals. You have to entertain the possibility that he is just wasting your time. If he can't admit to his own faults then he isn't ready to be in a relationship. A relationship is about two people and their needs. He seems to be only interested in his own needs. That self centered approach to life isn't conducive to a healthy relationship.


He is playing games for his own reasons. We don't know what they are. But is obvious that he likes to keep you confused. That doesn't promote honesty. This may be just a way to give his ego a boost or maybe he is scared but that doesn't mean to draw you into this by pulling you in and then letting you go.


I would move on.


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i know that you are right. I am trying to do that. I am still so confused by him asking me if I still wanted to date, because he said he did. Then 2 hours later saying we needed to work on being friends first, then date. Then 2 hours after that he said that IF we do date it needs to not be serious etx. All I could say to both of those things was "sure, that sounds good to me." I did not know what to say. Then he text me yesterday morning, I replied and that has been the last time I talked to him. I am so hurt that i dont know what to do. I have not contacted him, and i dont plan on it. I put all of my feeelings out there and this is what i get. He said to me on Monday night, that he did not want to love me agian, because he is so afraid of getting hurt agian. I am the only girlfriend he has had in 4 years. And at the end of saying he did not want to love me, he told me that he did love me. Actually he said i promise you that i love you more than you love me. And now he wants to be friends and i havnt heard from him Please tell me is he playing games, is he wanted me to contact him. Im afraid if I text him that will only give him more power. I really need help here. I cant believe that I let him in, only for him to do this to me. Please tell me what I should do, and is this just him being scared
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
That is what I am confused about. He seems to enjoy this. See what I mean games. He pulls you in and then leaves you there. You have to be strong. You have to maintain your sense of power. You need to distance yourself and consistently let him go. Then you are in charge. Move on and put it behind you. The longer you play the game the longer he does this. You need to focus on being single and then meeting someone else. When you keep hope alive you let him manipulate you. Don't contact him and avoid his as well. Don't listen to his promises.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I still have not heard from my ex boyfriend. I saw him today and he just looked at me with a blank face. Not angry, or sad, just blank. How does a guy go from crying to me about how much he loves me and misses me ( and he does not tell people he loves them.) to not talking to me. On the outside he is very controlled, calm etc. On the inside he is broken. He cariies many hurts from his childhood, that cause him to trust no one. I am the only person, except for maybe one family member who has seen that vulnerable side. I saw a lot of this broken side towards the end of our relstionship. He would cry uncontollably. I broke up with him becasue he basically began to shut me out more and more. THe more I saw of his pain, the more he shut me out. I eventually had to leave the relationhsip. He became very cold, and controlling towards the end. I was not comfortable at all. So he did not take it well. That is why I was so surprised that he told me last week that he was in love with me. He has a lot of preassure from family and freinds, and he feels complelled to please them all. He doesnt ever listen to what he wants. He lets everyone else control him, so not to lose them. I was the excepttion. So after he shared his heart with me, he slowly went back into that distant, controlled behavior. He started cutting me out more each day. And after he knew my feelings, he said he did not want to love me anymore, for when he had to leave in 9 monhts it would be too hard. But then he sadi the nest day he wanted to try, then 3 hours later said lets be friends first. And I havnt talked to him since. all I got today was the blank stare. i am so confused and i dont know what to think, I do know it hurts....
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

He seems cold when he wants to be. Childhood problems doesn't justify teating othres badly. It is good that you saw his tender side but that is not permission to treat you badly. He may be protecting himself. You can't live for others. He has to bridge the gap between protecting himself and playing with your feelings. I would be scared for the nexxt time he can't cope and goes off somewhere for awhile. Whether he is confused or just into games it is still going to be painful. The decisiont to deal with it is up to you.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you! Well this past weekend I contacted my ex, after not hearing from him for a few days. WE had a football game, which we all wen to. AFter the game i was standing with a mixed group of people, and he walked up, stood by me, and said nothing. He looked at everyone else by me. I left with my friends, and cotninued my nightly plans. Later a friend contacted me to tell me that they saw him at our dance, dirty dancing with 2 of my friends. This is the same guy who screamed at me in front of many people about a boy that kissed me, before my ex tried to get back into my life. I was so mad. He randomly drops back into my life, expecting everything to be the same. He tells me he is in love with me, tells my dad he loves me ( and this guy tells no one he loves them.) I tell him that i love him to, but i do like this other guy. I was trying to be open and upfront. I also told him that yes I wanted to see where things were going to go. I also told him that i was not ready to by physical with him. That would take time. I did after a couple of days tell the other guy that i could only be friends, and I let my ex know that. I reasssured him that i did love him and that i would work on us. Well in a matter of days he went from caring about me, texting me, coming to spend time with me, kiss me, hug me etc.. to barely talking to me or texting me. He told me that it hurt him when i told him that i loved him, but liked the other guy. He said that was not real love. I am so confused. Yes, you can still love someone and like someone else. I let go of the other guy. HE said that he was too afraid of getting hurt, and when he looked into my eyes it got to his heart, so it was to hard. I finally told him how i felt about his behavior. I told him that he could not expect to drop into my life kiss me and everything is the same. I told him that all his claims not to hurt me, his very behavior was doing exactly that. I told him that it was not ok to tell me he loved me one day, then claim to only want to be friends 3 hours later, then completely ignore me. I expressed my anger and hurt. I have honestly never done that before with him. He siad that he was not contacting me becasue he wanted to see if i woiuld start a conversation it was a test. He tried to hook up with my friend, but lied to me that he would not do that becasue it would hurt me. I told him that he only wanted to be friends so what he did and who it was with is his business. Since then he has not spoken to me in person, only glared at me, or looked completely over me. He text me 3 nights ago. he text me for about 45 minutes, then he qquit replying. We were only talking about " how is your day etc..". Please please help me to understand how someone can come cry at your house, tell you and your family that they love you, ask you to wear all the jewelry that he gave you, then because you admit that you love them, but want to take it slow, he turns on me. I am completely shocked and confused by his behavior. I get being afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid too. But we broke up months ago, becasue he was not good to me and he knows that. Its like I am the only one who has seen that broken/vulnerable part of him, and i have accepted him for that. but it is almost like i am being shoved away becasue i have seen that part of him. I feel like i am being punished for having boundries and taking up for me. i know that he has many emotional scars from his family, but that does not give him the right to take them out on me. He does not treat others this way. they see the calm side, the contolled side. Is this my fault, and why do i feel like the enemy now?? i dont know what i did wrong...
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

You did nothing wrong! You are right about everything. You can't continue to let him come in and out or he will do just that. You have to have boundaries. The problem he has none. He is doing what I call enjoying the chase. The chase is the enjoyable and the relationship is not what he wants. His goal is to get you emotional again. Anyone that does this so frequently is all about feeling important or special when someone stops what they are doing and lets him come back. The fact that he crosses your boundaries frequently proves my point. If he doesn't respect you he doesn't love you. What he says or tells others is all words. You have to depend instead on how he acts. If actions say that he doesn't love you than that speaks louder than words. As long as you let him keep interrupting your life he will. He isn't going to be a consistent source of support. Find the strength to let him go = for good.



Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I agree that it is time to let him go. We were each others "first," , and we loved each other. I understand that he took our breakup very hard. He took it as I abandoned him. That was not the case nor the intent. the intent was to take care of myself because he had become controlling, rude and made no time for us. Three times before our breakup when i was talking to him about things, he fell apart emotinally, cried uncontrolably on the floor, and once in my driveway. I found this very strange. To meet him, he is a very controlled individual, very calm. There is another person underneath there. During one of those episodes he left bruises on my arm after grabbing me hard. When i showed them to him, his reply was "i dont care." So yes, you are right, he has no respect of me and my boundaries. When we dated 80% of our relationship was around his schedule. I guess when he began trying to communicate with me again, then the night he came over and tried to start over immediatly, he realized that i was not the same person. I was setting boundaries and saying what i could could not do. I did not let him call the shots. So yes, agian he had no respect of me. Another thing, we were intimate when we dated. Towards the end that is all he would want to do. I stoppeed being intimate with him, because i was feelings used. He was my first and only. About 3 weeks after we broke up, we were talking about trying to be friends. He then asked if we could be friends with benefits. I was shocked and offended. He knew that i was not that way. But that said a lot to me. When he came back into my life 3 weeks ago, and said that he wanted to try agian, he wanted to discuss the physical part of our relationship. He wanted to know if we would be able to do things, and wanted us to have the freedom to do things phyisical. I thought that was odd considering we had only been talking for 24 hours. He also wanted to know if I had been intimate with anyone while we were apart. i had not, but i dont think that is his business. After I was honest and told him that i did love him, but yes i liked the other guy, we agreed to take it slow. I needed some time to sort my feeings. Well after a couple of days i realized that i did not like the other guy that way. so i told my ex that i was ready to work on being more that friends. He said ok, but that it would be difficult for him to keep his hands off of me. I told him that i would not hook up with him anytime soon. But yes, i would kiss and snuggle etc. I said that it woudl take time, but yes, I would being willing to down the road if things worked out. WEll about 2 days later is when he started backing off a bit. When confronted he would say that he just couldnt get hurt again, and he worried that i liked the other guy. And that getting to emotionally close would only be harder down the line. So then I found out he was still texting 2 girls that liked him. He had told me about them. and honestly i wasnt too worried. I mean we had just started talking agian. Well one of them has a boyfriend, and now she doesnt, so they are becoming more of a thing. All of tht is fine and good, but why not just tell me the truth, and tell me himsefl that he didnt love me anymore. How would this other girl feel if she knew what he said to me. He does not share his emotions very ofter at all, really if ever. so yes, I think he opened a bucket of emotions tht he wasnt ready to deal with. It doesn fit into his contolled life. And clearly he was hoping for a physical relationship right away, which to me is disrespectull. I know I have said a lot, and i am slowly moving forward. Is the fact that I "liked" another boy really the reason he is doing all of this? I mean or is that an excuse to blame me yet again, instead of looking at himself honestly. He has a way of trying to blame me for his behavior. For making me feel that its my fault he was going back and forth. If you really loved someone, and missed having them in your life, and had a chance to work things out, would you not allow each other a little bit of time to work out whatever they had going on? I mean expecailly if, like him, he shows up at my hourse after 4 months, kisses me, and expets it all to be the same. it just really makes me angry and hurt that i opened my heart, showed I was willing to work on things, was honest, did not play games, and yet he has done mothing but play games. ANd he says all of this is to avoid him and me getting hurt. That is a lie!!!!