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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I am in my 40s - struggling, well educated, single. Ive seen

Customer Question

I am in my 40s - struggling, well educated, single. I've seen this man on my train over year. But about 6 mos ago he began talking to me. About 4 mos ago we started hanging out -- coffee near train after work, coffee or food on Sat/Sun morning. He made me feel good and yes I was attracted to him -- feelings that i have not felt in several years. It's difficult to meet men - I attend functions and work but meet one man maybe a year and they seem to have issues (live w/ mom, liars). truth. Well this man approached me first as someone w/ job leads/tips after learning I was looking intensely for jobs. He also referred me to 4/5 contacts -- he's exmilitary and works for govt and knew some contractors and others. I had proof he sent it bec he'd forward me emails. Despite having a great resume (according to him and others), I did not get one interview out of those contacts.
When I originally met him, I did not know married. He wears no ring and I asked him and had to pull out of him on 3rd meeting that married. He said wife very sick, no sex for 5/6 years w/ her, and grown kid. He only talked about daughter who's in college and doing good and not about older son -- who I just learned lives w/ them and does not work nor attend college.
This man pursued me w/ passion and force -- texts, emails, calls, flattery (my great college education, my intelligence), and flirting (talking about my figure, to wear dresses, etc). He made me feel emotions I have not felt for years. Truth. He also told me our friendship was real and that he's 'never leave me' and we were 'friends to end.' That made me feel this relationship had chance. We kissed once about 2 months ago and he acted upset after but still pursued me. He waited about 2 hrs to pick me up outside test, something I can honestly say single men would not do. I was impressed. He offered to pick me up one evening from nice pool hall. He took me and my girlfriend home (she lives diff plce). He told me 'no strings,' did 'not want sex,' 'not dog.' I was feeling so attracted and a kiss led to sex. I am usu moral and a planner if anticipate sex, but this really 'happened.' After the act, I could see the change on him. He acted upset, aloof. After that all was different between us. He did not respond so rapidly or to all my texts/emails. He does not sk me to go out to eat -- something that was our 'thing.
I was going to send email saying I felt it was all some sick fantasy chase for him bec he changed so fast and that it was OVER. A girlfriend urged me to invite him to coffee and see how went before doing something so drastic. Due to night of no planning sex, I had to go to drug store and take care of something that cost over $50. I told him to pay 'something' bec thought fair. We met for coffee and I said I wanted to talk to him (he was aloof and said he thought I was planning to cuss him out).
We have seen each other 2 more times (coffee shop and IHOP) after that in 2 weeks and he is different and now seems to see my flaws (not man who said I was so wonderful). I feel like I initiate contacts. I ask him if our time was just BS and he insists it was not.
Beginning next week, I will run into him on train when I go back to work in school, but wonder if I should just avoid him altogether or try and keep association going w/ no sex - possible contact (he works for govt contractor but his past help did nothing for me) or get his help w/ my possible move to new apt in 2 mos)? Should i leave him alone completely or just keep our contacts texts/emails, rare eatout if he asks, w/ possible asking for move help if I move?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

You should not feel guilty because you went into this relationship thinking he was a kind person and had your best interests at heart. I don't know if it was a lie as much as his attempt to deceive another person to get what he wants. He knew what he what wanted and he used you to get it. The relationship was a front on his part. You were just a pawn. He has probably done this before. You are the innocent here. I consider a lie on both of your parts. You didn't know the future or his true intentions. Men like this are very savvy and are able to put on a front for a period of time.


I would not talk to him. He has this warped sense of who he is and any friendship on your part encourages him to draw you in again. You don't want to appear interested or even open to his advances. It is best that you don't give him the impression that he has a shot. Cut it off when you see him so there is no chance that he pursues this any further


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Relist: Incomplete answer. I get that first expert says he was deceptive.

I did not understand: "I consider a lie on both of your parts. You didn't know the future or his true intentions." Does that mean he lied twice or that we both lied?

You're saying that though I've seen him 3 times (in 3 weeks) since that one night of unfortunate sex, he's a deceiver/liar who was using me the whole time?

I do not hear about my questions on whether I should also keep in contact with him for jobs OR for physical help when I move to new apt.? I will listen.

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