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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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me and my wife separated 1 month ago, at her request. She used

Customer Question

me and my wife separated 1 month ago, at her request. She used the "i love you but not in love with you" line and from there it got worse as i wanted to try and reconcile, i am going to counseling, and she refuses to work on our marriage. I have tried to cease comunications with her but she calls and texts me on a daily basis and uses our kids (17 & 14) as a catalyst for her to talk to me. She also insists on talking about a divorce and starting fights with me over this subject whenever we do talk, to the point where it wears me out. Her best friend tells me to ignore her completely and dont answer her calls or texts but i am financially taking care of her and my kids so i have to talk with her at some point. I want my marriage to work and when i bring this up she will scream at me that she no longer wants to be married and wants out. I have been putting her off by staying busy with work and such but her insistance is making me nuts. Please any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I have read and re-read your entry and am very sorry for the great stress that you are under on a daily basis.

She may be under great strain because of depression, or guilt about having an affair (you have to consider all possibilities), or some other great stressor in her life. It seems, however, that her anger is focused at you and her goal is getting a divorce. She is almost a one-track mind about this from what I gather from your own words.

You will have to (and want to) take care of your chiildren if you get a divorce. You are not responsible for her however.

She may have a change of heart, but in the meanwhile, I urge you to find the best attorney that you can find, one who specializes in divorce and custody. She has probably engaged an attorney and you need to protect yourself. If you don't, you will regret it later.

You might even initiate the proceedings. I know that this is against your will, but it may shock her into reconsidering the divorce. I have seen this work before on more than one occasion.

There is a difference between initiating a divorce and actually carrying one through to term.

She cannot make it clearer that this is what she wants at this moment, so listen to her and prepare yourself to protect not only you, but to protect your children. She may not be the best custodial parent.

I wish I could give you a silver bullet to make it all turn back when when you were happy together (assuming you were), but the handwriting on the wall is anything but hopeful.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. Don't negotiate with her on divorce terms until you see your own attorney. You can be sure that she has gotten legal advice already, either from an attorney or from someone in the know.

I'm giving you the advice that I wish someone had given me years ago when I faced a similar situation.

Continue to be strong, keep you own counsel about your intentions, and move ahead in an organized fashion.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC