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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5821
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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my partner left me in january and met someone else. he came

Customer Question

my partner left me in january and met someone else. he came back 6 weeks later. we've been trying to work things out but he has still been in contact with the other woman. he said it was to get his stuff back. i've asked him to block her from facebook, his e mails and not have anymore to do with her. he says he don't want her and has done what i asked him to do. i found texts on his phone to another woman saying i love u babe, i wanna see you naked and i'll be gentle with you. he says its just an escape from reality and nothings happened or going to happen. he is suffering extreme depression so i don't know how much of what he says is the truth. he wants me to trust him but he lies to me about most things. we've been together 5 and a half years and was engaged
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 6 years ago.

Hi, I'd like to help you with your question.


It sounds like your partner has not given up the other relationship. He is either having trouble telling the other person the relationship is over or he is still cheating. He should not need to escape reality with another woman. People in committed relationships do not do that.


If he is lying to you about most things, then the trust between you is threatened. And in order for your relationship to be successful, you need to be able to trust one another.


If he wants to be with you and save the relationship, he needs to end all contact and be open about who he is talking with, who he sees and where he is when he is not with you. If he cannot do that, then he is not serious about your relationship.


Being depressed does not cause a person to lie and cheat. When someone is depressed, they need to get therapy to help them feel better. Your partner should focus on getting help and on repairing your relationship. If he is willing, see a therapist together. If not, you may want to reconsider your relationship.


I hope this helps you,


TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I got a letter from someone today saying she has a child by my partner and another on the way. He says its all lies and someone is trying to split us up. We took the letter to the police who logged it in case we get anymore. It also says he's only with me cos of paying his debts as my mums died recently and I'm going to get some money. Its obviously from someone who knows all about it as there are things that are happening with my mums house. I just don't know what to believe anymore. Please help me
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 5 years ago.

It sounds like your boyfriend is cheating again. Like you said, this person who sent the letter knows too much about your situation to be a stranger or just someone trying to break you up. If they were trying to break you up, what would be their motivation for doing so? The only reasons they would want to do something like that would be 1) because they dislike your him intensely or 2) because he is cheating and they are angry he won't leave you.


Ask him to go to counseling with you. You need to have someone help you both work this out. A therapist can work with you to see if the relationship can be saved. The therapist can also help you confront him to see what the truth might be, if you want to do that. Try talking to your doctor for a referral. Or contact your local United Way to find resources in your area for low cost/no cost counseling.



Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We went to counselling but we'read still waiting for another appointment. This person says she's been with my partner for three and a half yeaRSS. I told him if it's true and he wants to go I'll pay his debts and he'll be free of me but he says its not true. Someone also told him a few weeks ago that I had been seen kissing and cuddling a man. I told him that 1 I wouln't'do that and certainly not in middle of town where a lot of people know both of us. We think it may be the woman he went to live with
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
How can I really tell if he's lying to me
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 5 years ago.

While there is no real way to tell if someone is lying to you (short of a lie detector), his past history did destroy your trust so it is up to him to help you rebuild it. He needs to prove to you anyway he can that he is not cheating. That means being accountable for his actions, whereabouts and answering any questions you have about what he is up to.


The fact that he did not take your offer to pay his bills means he either does not believe you will do it and you will have called his bluff, or he really is not cheating and doesn't want to go.





TherapistMaryAnn and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

thank you for all ur advice, we are getting married in july as we both realise we want to be together forever


Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 5 years ago.

You're welcome. Congratulations! My best to you!