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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I have been engaged to my high school sweetheart for 2 years

Resolved Question:

I have been engaged to my high school sweetheart for 2 years (we have been together for 3 years). We moved in together (almost a year ago) but for the past 3months he has been living at home with his parents. He moved out because he wanted more freedom so I let him move out and hang out with his friends. We are ready to reconcile and try and pick up what we lost. I am not sure where to start. We has such a good relationship but now we seem to be on 2 different pages all the time. I want to work things out but Im not sure how to make sure we don't run into the same problems. We run into a lot of communication problems which seem to be the stem of every arguement we have. The other problem we have is I have been in other relationships in high school and he has not been with another women in a relationship or sexually and I am unsure how we can work past that. I was hoping that once we get that connection we once had he would not think about wanting to try having a relationship with someone else. Any advice would be greatly apprectiated.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective.

Dear friend,

You are in a difficult situation, which you have layed out very clearly. Your relationship is faltering, and it is really not because of you.

Your sweetheart has effectively put your engagement on hold, and in a real sense, has broken your engagement.

Not only that, but he has effectively walked out on your relationship by leaving. He wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, and you wisely allowed him (you said you "let him move out"), but did you really have another option?

Because he seems to be telling you less than the whole truth, that implies that he has something to hide, and that something may have to do with another person. Perhaps he now has sexually experienced another person and has gotten that out of his system

Perhaps, on the other hand, he has had a taste of freedom that he feels he has missed out on before, and wants more of the same.

It is difficult to have an easy communicatio with someone if you are hiding something and are always on guard, or if your feelings have changed.

Perhaps his feelings have changed for you and he cannot bear to officially break off his relationship but instead wants to do what he thinks is "the right thing" and follow through on the engagement and marriage, although his heart may not be completely in it anymore.

Your current inability to communicate is a sign that the truth is not being revealed. Perhaps he now feels trapped and has a conflict between what he thinks he is supposed to do (resume the relationship and get married to you) and what he thinks he wants to do (be a free man and enjoy "the single life").

You stated, " I was hoping that once we get that connection we once had he would not think about wanting to try having a relationship with someone else." Perhaps it is the opposite way around: 'Once he stops thinking about having a relationship (sex) with others, then maybe you can resume where your relationship stopped.'

It is often hard to go back, to resume a relationship after many events have ocurred, to put the genie back in the bottle.

If you cannot talk honestly with each other without anger (defensiveness) coming up, then I urge you to seek the counsel of an experienced and empathetic marriage and family therapist, one that you both trust.

It is an act of good faith on both of your parts to get professional help to make the communication flow. You cannot have a relationship without it, and it is not worth moving forward unless the path is completely open.

Your relationship is in trouble and action is needed. You could test the waters and ask him if he wants to continue or to break it off and see what he says. If he wants to continue, then suggest a few sessions with a professional therapist.

This is what we do, and we can help couples to speak the truth. You cannot stay in limbo and you have to do something to move forward or move away with this relationship.

Be strong and do not fear the truth, whatever it is. You are young and your life is ahead of you.

God bless and best wishes to both of you.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
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