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Can a dating relationship be...
Can a dating relationship be repaired and a break up? We dated for 8 1/2 months and she ended it.  We were I thought very much in love.  She always told me she loved me and wanted our relationship to work.  When I talked to her sister she would always say hang in there Barbara really loves you Jim and wants this relationship to work.  Her sister said that Barbara never said anything negative about me. Her family really loved me and always invited and included me in family get togethers. When she broke it off she said she didnt hate me but wanted her freedom.  She accused me of being angry with her but it was her in my opinion she was always angry-or quiet-she was a very hard person to read.  She was married three times before and she told me she was also a victim of domestic violence and was raped in her twenties -she's 48 now..  The first 4 to 5 months went well.  She was very supportive during the death of my Mom.  One thing she use to say and I never understood what she meant--she would say I was erasing her life?  Any hope for this relationship?  I still see her once a week at a dance.  She wouldn't talk to me the first two weeks but just this last week she did and was civil towards me.  Do youu believe there's any hope? I've written letter and took ownership for my part and asked for forgivesness.  She called me about a week later after the letter and we spoke for about a half hour.  She said I ripped her heart out and stomped on it--I feel the same way. 
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 51 minutes by:
8/30/2011
Counselor: MrsRuss0114, LCSW replied 6 years ago
MrsRuss0114
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 215
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
Verified

Russ0114 :

Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.

Russ0114 :

Can you tell me why you felt the need to apologize?

Customer:

Hmmm I wanted to take ownership of my behavior that she said was bothering her

Russ0114 :

But do you think you did anything to bother her?

Russ0114 :

Based on the information you've shared, you were involved by invitation, attentive so what was it you think made her feel bothered?

Customer:

She said I was easily angry with her but she seem to push my buttons to get the response she wanted.

Russ0114 :

Okay, based on what you've shared, it sounds like she has a little history of failed relationships for whatever reason that may be.

Customer:

I checked out her background with a family member..her first marriage was to my God Parents Son and she nerver took ownership as to what happened in her marriages

Customer:

She accursed me of shaming her

Russ0114 :

You thought that the two of you were in love but it sounds like she did what she could to push you away and make things your fault.

Russ0114 :

In a sense, if the realtionship didn't work then she could say you're the reason it didn't and not take any responsibility for her part.

Customer:

exactly but she wanted to keep trying even after each disagreement

Russ0114 :

And this sounds much like how she handled her other marriages.

Customer:

you're right

Customer:

yes she cant trust

Russ0114 :

I think her wanting to "keep trying," was her way of saying see, I'm trying so should things not work out, she will say that even after disagreements, she tried.

Russ0114 :

And her issues with trust seem to be deep rooted.

Customer:

why would she tell her family she loved me and wanted it to work

Customer:

what do you think should try and repair the relationship do you believe it can be reparied

Russ0114 :

Because maybe deep down she did but I also strongly feel like that was her way of polishing herself if things ended. Again, preventing her from taking any responsibility.

Russ0114 :

I think she has a lot of trust issues that run very deep and until she is able to work through those, this nor any future relationships will be successful because she will resort back to this type of behavior.

Customer:

I believe you're right. I see her every week at a weekly dance. the first two weeks she wouldnt speak to me this pass week she did.

Customer:

she said we could talk but couldnt dance together. She has a new dance partner a gut 20+ plus years her senior.

Russ0114 :

You find yourself in a very unfortunate situation, it seems like she's tried to make it seem that the demise of your relationship was your fault only and essentially is playing the martyr which it seems she comfortable in this role.

Customer:

she tries very hard to make like she's happy and goes around speaking to all the clubs member which she rarely did when we were dating. I guess I'm stuck I'm in love with the wrong person. I wish she had a warning lable on her when I met her.

Russ0114 :

That would be nice wouldn't it! If everyone who had unresolved issues came with flashing lights and a sign that read DANGER!!!

Customer:

yes she plays this role very well I that now. Now I know why three marriages

Customer:

yes. Well how should I approach when I see her. Just hello and good bye? try to develop a friendship? what works best

Russ0114 :

Until she acknowledges that she has some things to work through interpersonally and then decides to do so, her patterns will remain the same and if you did decide to give it another try, you would most likely find yourself in this same situation again in the future.

Russ0114 :

I think just being polite and cordial to her is the best right now. If that develops into a friendship later then that's fine if that is something that you want.

Russ0114 :

If so, I would definitely put some parameters on that and share with her that you've owned your piece in how things ended but that you're not going to allow her to continue to make you feel bad about what happened because you weren't in the relationship alone.

Customer:

Last note good advice....I certainly didnt see the warning signs in the beginning. She was very attentive and that was misleading to me.I just cant get over how good things were the first 4 to 5 months

Russ0114 :

Thank you.

Russ0114 :

That may be her pattern.

Russ0114 :

Or as we like to say, the honeymoon phase.

Customer:

Sounds like this relationship is toast

Russ0114 :

I'd just be very cautious and if you do decide that you want to give it another chance, you have to set some boundaries and make your expectations plain. If she's not on the same page then you know, this realtionship is not for you.

Customer:

i have a bit f her property and I want to mail back to her with a note. Any suggestions what to say in t he note

Russ0114 :

I'd just say that you wanted to make sure that she got her things and you wish her well.

Russ0114 :

Short and sweet.

Customer:

okay thats what I will do. Thank you

Russ0114 :

You're welcome and best of luck to you!

Customer:

bye for now.

Russ0114 :

Also, if you wouldn't mind leaving some feedback about our interaction today I would greatly appreciate it!

Customer:

okay

Russ0114 :

And, feel free to write directly to me: Russ0114 in the future as I'm always happy to help!

Russ0114 :

Good day to you!

Customer:

yes are you listed as an option

Russ0114 :

You can go to my profile and type your quesiton in my box or in your question, you can say, Dear Russ0114 and everyone will know you are requesting me.

Customer:

okay

Russ0114 :

The link to my profile is here: 

Full Size Image

Russ0114 :

If you click on the Full Size Image Icon, it'll take you to my profile

Russ0114 :

Have a good day, and if you found our interaction helpful this morning, please press accept; I look forward to talking with you more in the future.

MrsRuss0114
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 215
Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 215
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Experience: B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.

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