Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
You are in the worst of places but also the best of places. It is worse in that he is there and you can see him and hear him without you. It is the best place in that the fact that he has replaced you without even understanding what went wrong while you can find out for yourself and make changes for the better. These feelings will be intensified but you will be able to process them faster and get over them and on with your life. I knew a psychiatrist who after a sudden divorce rented a house across the street from his ex. He watched her and her new boyfriends every day till the feelings were gone and he was ready to move on. You might want to start a journal discussing your feelings and deciding on what can do to change things in yourself. Remember relationships were never meant to work out they were meant to teach you something.
Unfortunately, by watching them, I find my self spending my time trying to figure out how to break them up and hurt him like he hurt me. How am I supposed to find out what went wrong and get on with my life when I don't know why he ended things? I'm not sure what to change because I don't know what I did wrong. In the meantime, i don't sleep, don't eat, my work is suffering and my friends are losing patience with me.
It's been 6 weeks, I have had 4 anxiety attacks, each one triggered by seeing them together. I have tried staying at friends homes and am now leaving town for a week, but can't keep hiding and won't allow him to push me out of my home. To make matters worse, he was the first man I dated in 10 years. I was raped years ago and never found anyone I trusted enough to stick around for. I would have brief "encounters" and move on. I'm not sure what it was, but i finally allowed someone in and opened myself up to him. I am 43 years old, never been married am getting too old to have children of my own, especially if i wait another 10 years to trust a man again. Yes, my friends and therapist have all told me it's a great "break through" finally letting someone in, but in the meantime, i am making myself physically ill living with this life lesson. Any other ideas?
You would be in worse shape if you tried to break them up. He is obviously so self centered that he will change girlfriends like someone chnges cars. It is up to you to make the changes and think of the times that you felt uncomfortable or your need were not met in the relationship.
Anxiety attacks are not uncommon following a sudden loss but they will eventually go away. They say the best revenge is to live well. When you have your life back together you will finally realize it is his loss not yours.
As to the fact that he was the first person you trusted after having such a trauma only means that you are capable of doing that again when you get over this relationship. The break up will bring out a short relapse of your old fears but they will go away eventually, especially if you face your fears and not run from them. You need to take control of your life again and rebuild your shattered trust and self respect.
do you have any suggestions for some immediate relief? i can't get in to see the new therapist for 10 days and the drugs are not helping the physical symptoms - i haven't slept in days and get nauseous/often sick every time i go home.
Immediate relief may be sought by writing down some of the feelings you are having and what may be causing them. You need to see this in a perspective. He is not going to help you in this since he has passed on. Nausea is an expected reaction and drinking some tea, warm milk, soup broth all will help. I personally have found cottage cheese to be a food I can handle when my nausea gets too much. As for not sleeping you may find some of the herbal teas can help you sleep. Learning to relax and slow your breathing helps immensely. You have to reset your boundaries so you feel safe and less violated.