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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Why do I feel like this and how do I move on My now ex boyfriend

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Why do I feel like this and how do I move on? My now ex boyfriend broke up with me a couple of days ago. We were in a relationship for 2 years and I feel so hurt and confused as to why I have certain feelingings and would like to know where to go. I was in love with him and thought that he was the one, even though this was both of our first relationships. We met online and seemed to hit it off while talking through the site. He seemed really into me and decided we should meet. I was wanting to talk a month longer before we met but agreed because I was really excited to meet too. I was nervous because I am overwight. I have lost over 100 lbs, but still need to lose more. I had photos online so he knew what I looked like, although they were all face shots, and i had told him that i still had to lose more. He didn't seem to mind, but when he first saw me in person he looked disappointed. We continued on our date and it seemed like he was enjoying himself, he even kissed me, and as the weeks followed he still continued to want to see each other. Because we lived 3 hrs apart and that i was at university/he worked, we saw each other on weekends and talked/texted throughout the week. He seemed like he was into me despite the weight and I became confident in us. After about a month and a half of dating (in person) he said that he loved me and I fell for him too. I thought things were finally looking up for myself. I was so happy and time seemed to go well. I went over one weekend, after he told me he was really excited to see me, feeling all good about us as usual, but it turned out to be a nightmare. I was put on some medication and it made me cry almost the entire time that I was with him. His attitude changed 180 and was thinking about breaking up. It hit me hard, but was like if you don't feel like you want to be with me than let me know. He said he still wanted to stay together and I thought things were ok. We hung out some more, I told him about the medication and he said that my body actually repusled him and was off-putting. I kept my composer, but my confidence was hurt. Over the years to follow he said that he was getting use to the weight and could see that i had lost more, and told me i was beautiful, but sometimes it's hard to believe that and be confident knowing what he said. We were intimate in other ways than intercourse, but i felt like if i couldn't please him that i was a failure and that he's going to leave me. Despite this he said he still wanted to be together and even kept on saying I love you and asking if and when I was going to move to where he live. I was going to finish my schooling where I lived but decided it might be a good idea to go to help better my career chances. I moved over, transferred jobs, and not too long after i moved he said that he didn't really love me, that he was just saying that to make me feel good and that me moving here might have been a bad idea. I was heartbroken. I felt like walking away but a part of me told me to hang on. Again he said that he didn't want to break up. I became clingy and needy because i was trying to put the pieces back together and he was the only one i had. It did push him more away, but still he said that he wanted to stay together and try to fix things and that is what we did at least i thought. Things seemed al lots better. My ex gets very distant and detached...apparently he's always been like that, and doesn't really know/understand his emotions. He'll be really into the relationship one minute making me feel like he wants to be with me and then the next he's distant and saying he wants to break up, but then says i'm not really serious or i don't want to make a mistake. He even has lingering feelings from someone from high school who told him that she doesn't like him that way and actually turned out to not be the person who he thought she is. He still lights up and focuses his attention on her even when i'm around. I thought he really cared for me. One night out of nowhere he mentioned that he wanted to break up, but it seemed more serious this time; that he really cared for me, but maybe more on a best friends level. We took a week break for him to get some clarity, but it was hard for me not to want to contact/see him as i love him. When we met back up we hung out a few times and seemed like we were enjoying ourselves, but maybe it was on that friends level. We talked some more because it seemed like the direction that he wanted to go was obvious. We discussed that maybe he was feeling like this because he needs to go experience more things/people; find out who he is and what he wants. He did mention that when he met me he was going through some depression and really wanted a girlfriend. I know that me caring for him was too much (smothering/needy) and am working on it for myself and the future, but from his actions I felt hurt, used, betrayed, yet i still have these deep feelings for him, like I want to still be with him. I'm lost
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
I really feel this is a relationship that has gone through things and still has stood strong. He cares about you and if you notice he never wants to break up, he trys to work it out. I think he has always been willing to start again and keep this relationship going. I feel he loves you and there are just things you both need to work out. You both need to communicate how you feel about each other. Tell him exactly how you feel. It is important to express yourself. You both love each other and I feel you both should not be apart. I want you both to focus on each other and fully communicate what you both want in this relationship. Be understanding of what each other wants and needs. You both need to start again and reconnect your relationship. If you have anymore questions I will be happy to answer.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
This is what I really want to do, but I don't know if he wants to. He said he hasn't ruled me out completely, but I don't know if he's just saying that because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings or because he wants to experience new realtionships. I know that i became needy and suffocating, but i really am trying...i know it's only been 2 days but i love him no matter what he has said/done that has hurt me. I feel like i drove him away. I want to talk to him, but i don't want to bother/annoy him. Also, we are both virgins and i felt like he was the one. there was a time that we almost did it, but we stopped, he said that there would be lots of time for this and even recently we mentioned that we weren't ready, but down the line it could happen. Again, I don't know if he is just telling me that to be nice and not hurt my feelings or if he really meant it. I get sick thinking about him with someone else, especially thinking about him being intimate with her. Other people have told me that he's just not into you and dragged you along because he didn't want to hurt me. He said at times he felt like he wanted me to break up with him so that he wouldn't have to do it, but why would someone make you feel loved and like they want you around if they didn't. He has replied saying that it was in the moment. I am very confused. I want to give him his space and a part of me is like i have to let it go, but another parts of me wants to win him back (ok a large part of me does).
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
The reason why you feel like you are being needy is because you are afraid of losing him. If you knew and were confident about the relationship, you cold relax and just love him. But the relationship hasn't been 100 percent stable. I don't feel he is stringing you along at all. I feelnhe cares and loves you. Often times people get nervous when they become overwhelmed with their feelings. So they back off to protect their heart. He sounds like he gets consumed by his feelings by you, doesn't ever want you not in his life. He wants to be with you, but is nervous that he could get hurt. I think you need to reassure him of your feelings. I don't want you to think you are annoying him. I want you to express how you feel. You could explain why you feel needy. I find that in a relationship that is reassured by how the person feels, it eases the mind to fully focus on the relationship itself. If you know someone loves youyou, then you can fully focus on them and how you feel.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
But i don't think he loves me because of me being needy and stuff, but also because i'm physically not his ideal person.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.

I feel that he loves you for who you are and that is why you keep going back to each other because no one compares too you in his life. I think he can not see his life without you in it. I do not feel like he is just being nice or not wanting to tell you his true feelings. I really feel that his feelings are real. It's not that he doesn't love you because you feel you are needy, that maybe just something he doesn't like. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. You also feel you are not his type physically, but love is love. It is not just about how you look. It's about the person on the inside. The true you. You want to show him that you are a confident in yourself. You feel needy because you are unsure of how this relationship is going to turn out. I think if you are confident that this is going to work out and you both can start over in a new relationship. Things will be different. You both need to go back to when you first started dating and reestablish those feelings you both had. It's time to move forward in a positive way and not worry about you are not his type physically or that you are being to needy. I want you to just be yourself and work off of your emotions and feelings.

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