Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective
I have read and reread your carefully constructed and detailed letter. You have certainly presented your situation clearly. Several things stood out and I will mentiobn them first.
- you said he left everthing behind to be with you, but I wasn't convinced or at least certain that he had really made such a sacrificel You said you liked the fact that, unlike you, he is laid back. I though more in terms of underachiever and perhaps lacking in motivation, which he makes up by sniping and sabotage (as in your already pre-arranged construction and remodelig projects). He purposely chose areas in which his willingness to participate would cause problems and would perhaps even not be be acceptible, and thus rejected, giving him the appearance of being industrious. This is just a thought, but i have seen similar situations before.
- his lack of emotional and sexual enthusiasm for you is the reason for the less than earth-shaking sex; he then turns it around and blames it on your lack of experience or technique or creativity. You might consider that he is attracted to you, in part, at least, because you have a good income and can provide him with a comfortable life. If he is not attracted to you, he cannot pull this off and has to come up with an excuse - the infection that he cannot afford to have treated.
- You are not being too demanding of him; perhaps you are not being sufficiently demanding. If he has time and energy than there are other projects he can help with - the ones that you have not yet covered, nor made committments to others to complete
- you seem to be bending over backwards to help him, yet you are questioning yourself as if you are being too demanding and difficult. Whenever I see a person that I think is being taken advantage of (you) believe that they are the bully and the other person is the victim, I sense that they are being manipulated or played.
- You DO understand what is happening. You said so: "I have been trying to be understanding and supportive to him, but sometimes feel this is not returned...anytime I try to bring up my feelings or concerns it gets turned around so that it is all me - I am the bitchy and controlling one, I don't know what to do in bed etc.. He says long term relationships don't just involve sex and that there are so many other things that are important"
I believe that he is a man who is using you. He is not in love with you, and he has almost convinced you that he is being the victim.
I know you are in love with him and are hoping that this will turn around. It it were a corporate decision whether to keep him or get a more functional model that satisfied the corporate needs would you keep him or get a different model? One that you felt intimacy with, one that found you precious and desired you and talked honestly and openly with you, and helped you on terms that were beneficial to you, and not contrary to your needs and beneficial only to his whims.
Perhaps you will read what I have said and feel that I have misrepresented the facts because of an incomplete description that you gave me, and will want to give me other information, or perhaps you will see that your instincts are in conflict with your hopes and desires. I know he has some good points that you did not mention.
I hope I have, at least, given you some serious food for thought. You are certainly welcome to get back to me on this.
Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC