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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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My boyfriend just moved from CA to MO to be with me. We had

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My boyfriend just moved from CA to MO to be with me. We had been in a relationship for about 6 months when he dumped me- we got back together about 6 months after that and had been together for about a year when he said he wasn't sure if he was ready for all this. We remained friends....I had to move for my job and 6 months into it went back to visit some friends...he and I met up too and he said he was thinking about the future and couldn't imagine it without me and was hoping to move to MO. A year after my initial move he joined me here. He has been here now a month and is looking for a job - has some good prospects, but nothing certain yet. I just bought a house and we moved in last week. When he got here he was not feeling well due to some infection and he hasn't been 100% -lack of work is lack of insurance, so he was trying to wait it out....we have not been very physical since he got here (partially because he is not feeling well) and when we did I asked him the following night if he was feeling better or if it was because we had a few drinks....that conversation turned into how he doesn't feel a lot of chemistry between us and how he thinks I'm not good in bed - it was hurtful and insulting, as he says it's all me...he asked if i had sexual partners before or if I was into women maybe. I am 38 years old and i have had plenty sexual partners. Our sex has been soso - never earthmoving, but I always felt we can work on that - I love him and feel he is the man of my life. I think I have some insecurities due to him dumping me once and felt rejected by what he said. I am a senior executive at work and am used to systems and organization, he is more laid back and that is what I like in him. Since he got here he hasn't really involved himself in the purchase of the house or decisions that eventhough I feel I was trying to involve him different ways. Now he is all of a sudden feeling the need to make decisions on repairs in the house that had been pre-arranged and already set up. When I got upset about that (there is many things to do that have not been arranged and he can help with that) i was told I am to uppidy and I need to get my self off as I need to relax. I admit I have been stressed, a lot of things going on at work - father was just diagnosed with cancer (and is far away) and I was worried about his health. I have been trying to be understanding and supportive to him, but sometimes feel this is not returned...anytime I try to bring up my feelings or concerns it gets turned around so that it is all me - I am the bitchy and controlling one, I don't know what to do in bed etc.. He says long term relationships don't just involve sex and that there are so many other things that are important. I know that and understand but I do think it plays an important role in a relationship and through the lack of sex I feel a lack of intimacy. I know he has left everything behind to be here, with me....Am being too demanding and difficult? Is this just the getting used to eachother again phase?? Is he insecure due to lack of income and having to rely on me...he made this stupid repair thing about trust - saying that i didn't trust his judgement - but how is it that he can say that and why I question why he felt the need to change this when it was all set up - I am the one that is in the wrong???....How do I turn this ardoun?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I have read and reread your carefully constructed and detailed letter. You have certainly presented your situation clearly. Several things stood out and I will mentiobn them first.

  • you said he left everthing behind to be with you, but I wasn't convinced or at least certain that he had really made such a sacrificel You said you liked the fact that, unlike you, he is laid back. I though more in terms of underachiever and perhaps lacking in motivation, which he makes up by sniping and sabotage (as in your already pre-arranged construction and remodelig projects). He purposely chose areas in which his willingness to participate would cause problems and would perhaps even not be be acceptible, and thus rejected, giving him the appearance of being industrious. This is just a thought, but i have seen similar situations before.
  • his lack of emotional and sexual enthusiasm for you is the reason for the less than earth-shaking sex; he then turns it around and blames it on your lack of experience or technique or creativity. You might consider that he is attracted to you, in part, at least, because you have a good income and can provide him with a comfortable life. If he is not attracted to you, he cannot pull this off and has to come up with an excuse - the infection that he cannot afford to have treated.
  • You are not being too demanding of him; perhaps you are not being sufficiently demanding. If he has time and energy than there are other projects he can help with - the ones that you have not yet covered, nor made committments to others to complete
  • you seem to be bending over backwards to help him, yet you are questioning yourself as if you are being too demanding and difficult. Whenever I see a person that I think is being taken advantage of (you) believe that they are the bully and the other person is the victim, I sense that they are being manipulated or played.
  • You DO understand what is happening. You said so: "I have been trying to be understanding and supportive to him, but sometimes feel this is not returned...anytime I try to bring up my feelings or concerns it gets turned around so that it is all me - I am the bitchy and controlling one, I don't know what to do in bed etc.. He says long term relationships don't just involve sex and that there are so many other things that are important"

I believe that he is a man who is using you. He is not in love with you, and he has almost convinced you that he is being the victim.

I know you are in love with him and are hoping that this will turn around. It it were a corporate decision whether to keep him or get a more functional model that satisfied the corporate needs would you keep him or get a different model? One that you felt intimacy with, one that found you precious and desired you and talked honestly and openly with you, and helped you on terms that were beneficial to you, and not contrary to your needs and beneficial only to his whims.

Perhaps you will read what I have said and feel that I have misrepresented the facts because of an incomplete description that you gave me, and will want to give me other information, or perhaps you will see that your instincts are in conflict with your hopes and desires. I know he has some good points that you did not mention.

I hope I have, at least, given you some serious food for thought. You are certainly welcome to get back to me on this.

Best wishes,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
He certainly has good qualities and we used to always have a lot of fun together, do fun things or have great talks. As he is currently unemployed he is not having an income, so he doesn't want to go out to much as he feels bad not being able to treat me. He left a job and family behind in CA and has been working on several Internet/computer projects that he wants to be able to develop without having it attached to a company that later on could claim partial ownership of those programs. His parents are very supportive of us being together and think I'm wonderful. He has not seen many successful relationships in his close surroundings, parents divorced, brother recently divorced, was tossed around between family a lot as child/teenager as he and his 'new' dad did not see eye to eye.He is smart and I do believe he will be gainfully employed by the end of this month (in the computer field) He is full of dreams and ambition as to what can be and I love that too. I realize that I have achieved what I have thus far by being disciplined and taking action when possible! If I can do something today, why wait till tomorrow? He is more of a procrastinator and takes his time, but will do it in the end.... I have asked myself if I am just the means to an end or  if I am being taken advantage of or manipulated. He had wanted to postpone coming out here so he would be able  to save more money, so he would be less dependent. He has refused any financial help I have offered as far as credit card bill or IRS bill. What is the best approach, how do in get him to come clean and if I completely misread this situation, will my doubts and questioning him (lack of trust?) cause in repairable damage? I do appreciate what you are saying and will think hard about the suggestion if  I have to find the balance between my instinct and hopes and desires as you put it.  
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 6 years ago.
Dear friend,

Thank you for presenting the other side of the story. You left off all of the good qualities and now paint a different, and hopefully more complete picture.

You now have revealed a multifaceted man with a lot more talent, substance, and potential. He has had a difficult family home life when growing up, however, and this probably adds to his difficulty in forming intimate relationships - a situation which may always be manifest to some degree. He may also be afraid of intimacy for the same reasons.

Since he seems to cherish his independence, it seems less likely that he is taking advantage of you or has those intentions. He may not achieve the level of success that you have, or meet your expectations, because he does not have the qualities needed to more ahead: perseverance, completion of tasks in a timely manner, and the sense to jump on opportunities as they arise.

He may also be suffering from some depression, probably situational. This can affect his performance, his personality, and his ability to move forward.

His comments on your sexual inadequacy and his revelation that he did not feel any chemistry with you IS something that you should be concerned with. This does not bode well for a life together, and could cause him to stray (if he hasn't already).

You did not mention the nature of his infection. Infections cannot be left untreated, and so this story just doesn't ring true, unless it is sometjhing chronic or incurable (like certain STDs). I am like a detective and need to know all the facts. A small detail can be a large clue, or it could be nothing.

I don't see anything that YOU have done to cause irreperable damage. You will have to take this one day at a time and see how it unfolds. You will probably have to allow him to reveal himself and in the meantime be as positive and supportive as you can, and see how he responds and how he treats you on issues of intimacy, for this is really the heart of the matter. You are not just roomates or best friends. and this issue is key, despite what he he stated: "long term relationships don't just involve sex and that there are so many other things that are important,"

This is the Achille's heel of your relationship. He has already "dumped" you once and has given you several reasons to always feel insecure

My instincts tell me that you must be very cautious. He may be a wonderful friend but there are some important unresolved issues her.

It is for these reasons that I advise you to move cautiously in this relationship, and try to strike that balance beteen your superficial and your deepedst needs.

You have my feartfelf support and warm regards,

Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. Infection is some skin infection / boil on upper outer thigh at some point hr had similar breakouts / boils on his back, chest and arms. All of those seem to be getting better, and the one on his leg is slowly healing too...
Thank you for your advice, no need to respond, just wanted to satisfy your detective needs :-)