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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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After a successful 4 months in a relationship my girlfriend

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After a successful 4 months in a relationship my girlfriend finished it on the grounds that it threathened her independance. She has been on her own for a few years following an acromonious divorce. I let her get on with it and we have not been in touch for 10 weeks.
I think that I am correct in saying that the partner who 'runs away' usually comes back in time. Typically how long is that 3 months or 6 or 9 or.....
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

People who are scared of commitment are all different. If she feels a relationship threatens her lifestyle then she has established ways to relate to other people without being responsible to one. People like this see a relationship as confining rather than healthy. You have to figure out what she finds so confining and if she is willing to change that perspective. If she is afraid of commitment there is no time line. It could be anything depending on her issues. She can decide at any time that she is lonely.


There is a chance that she will stay afraid of commitment and never change her mind. You have to allow for that possibility. She has recovered from a divorce and may want to be free of commitment. She is the only one who knows which it is. I would for closure purposes contact her and see where she is with this. Who cares if you promised or you are giving her space. Just drop a line and say you need to know.


If this was helpful press accept

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
In that there is no time line to the possibility of change I am not happy about putting her on the spot with the question of closure or not.
That is pressure?
I am allowing for the possibility of the fact that she may never change.
But from case history have you any idea of the percentage likelihood of loneliness kicking in and for her to make an approach to me.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I woulnd't worry about pressure. If you handle it well it is just you wanting answers. She may not change but tell her you won't wait forever. I would give her 6 months. There is no percentage but if she is given a boundary you may find out quicker
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
H'mm I am not sure that I could set a time boundary. It seems unrealistic to me to hold my breath for 6 months and then the day after simply walk away.
Let me tell you a little more. In the last month of the 4 month relationship she called it off 3 times. I talked her around on the 1st 2 occasions.
That to say the least is inconsistent?
The 3rd and last occasion was 36 hours of a serious nights passion in her bed.
Now this blowing hot and cold is erratic behaviour? A sign of a person under pressure from not knowing her own mind?
Is this typical of a woman fighting for her independence yet feeling that she is in a relationship which she is happy with?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I think if she was fighting for her independence she would be less into the relationship. It seems like a case of having her cake and eating it too. That won't end well for you. I understand if this is hard to absorb but I fear staying will just promote the ability of her to have both. Maybe she doesn't know what she wants but she is involving you. You have to accept that she probably was happy and still doesn't know what she wants. She has to figure that out. As far as the time, you aren't changing from one person to another. You are going in with the impression that it might not work.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Shortly after our last communication I did make an approach to her. Not in begging terms, not asking to see her but simply saying that I thought about her every day and how horrified I was that we had got ourselves into a mess from what I believed was a quality relationship. I got a blunt reply asking me to delete her from my mobile contacts.

Nothing has been exchanged between us since.

So there is nothing I can do now. As you say, she has to work it out, she is/was the one who was indecisive. And knowing that hanging around was no good for me.

She never said she loved me but I believed she did. She showed moments of jealousy of other women, she bought me a birthday present saying 'that she wanted it to remind me of her each time I used it'.

If she was in love with me is it resonable to conclude that she still is?

If so, will love win in the end and she will reach out to me?

I have to add I did still think of her everyday. And this may sound stupid but having some sympathy with 'telepath' between people I continually sence that she is thinking of me.

Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
She doesn't have to work out anything. That gives her the power. You have to decide. Otherwise you are waiting for her to make a decision that should be made by you. She may have loved you but things end for many reasons. For now you have to let it go. She may come around but doesn't hold on to that as a way to stay stuck. You may think of her and she may think of you but you have to move on regardless. It's your decision
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I acknowledge that I have to move on - regardless. We met at Modern Jive dances.

I am keeping away from venues she frequented, although on the grapevine I have heard that she has not been seen around, I suspect she has thrown herself into what clearly emerged as her 1st love, playing tennis. It was playing tennis which was the world she got into to cope with her unhappiness after divorced and a failed affair. I think she felt safe in that world. But eventually more natural instincts of the love and affection of a man shook the foundations of that safety net of tennis.

In dancing I meet loads of ladies and have had recent offers to 'date'. I have accepted those which were suitable but it is hard work, such dates jkust do not feel the same, stupidly I feel as if I am being 'unfaithful' to her in just 'dating' other ladies.

I suppose only time and / or perhaps meeting the 'right' lady will change that?

I am convinced that I did nothing wrong to mortally wound the relationship.

So on a 'rough' balance of probability how likely do you think it is that tennis will not stop her from loneliness at times and a natural curiosity about what I am doing?


Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
You are right. You have to let go and you also have to move on. And that may feel uncomfortable right now. But eventually it won't. You may have done nothing wrong but you still have to find happiness. Tennis eventually will not stop the loneliness. It is hobby not a person and that will sink in. I don't know about natural curiosity. I just know that when you put something else in front of a person you end up being very lonely. Move on anyway
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