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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  24 years in a private practice
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My husband and i have been marred for 2 years and together

Customer Question

My husband and i have been marred for 2 years and together for 4 years. He had been widowed about 2 yrs prior to the beginning of our relationship. We now seem to not get along very well, and in my opinion it is becasue he seems to be comparing me to her and I am always falling short. My resentment is building, and I keep becoming less and less tolerant.There is one thing that has been casuing my resentment to build and possibly making me intolerant. He has a picture of her on the dresser in our bedroom. How do I broach this subject without causing our demise?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 5 years ago.

Kevin Kappler :

You need to start talking to him about this. Ask him if he misses his former wife not did she do it better than me. This type of conversation helps you understand his loss and morning. Sometimes these reactions are delayed, particularly in men who have trouble processing information.

Kevin Kappler :

Often time this is a chance where resentment once taken hold can spread like a cancer and make you bitter unless you do something about it. Being empathetic is one way of overcoming this situation.

Customer :

In the beginning i was very empathetic and understanding. It is not that i am no longer feeling that way, i definitely do feel empathy and it breaks my heart to think of how painful this loss must have been and still is for him. BUT he remarried, and it is to me. Is he not supposed to consider my feelings as well? He put the picture there on December 10th 2008. He had moved in 4 months before that, and we had a wedding date set for April 21 2009. At the time I decided i could handle it and if it made him feel better then that is what was important. Now any time he has any complaint big or small about me I feel like he has no right because I HAVE been empathetic, I have been very patient and usnderstanding about a lot of things. He has not been and is not. It is as though he jsut gets and i just give.

Kevin Kappler :

Being empathetic is not something like climbing a mountain. There is no top to reach where you don't have to go any further. If you truely love him then when you feel resentful help him out in his processing the loss. Ask him if he misses the way she did that or the way she acted toward him and you may get some new ideas as to how to please him better. Remember the competition is only in your mind.

Kevin Kappler :

I would be glad to go over these suggestions in more depth if you would like and will wait to see if you have more questions.