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AgapeDoc
AgapeDoc, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 197
Experience:  Dr. W. D. Nicholas is a relationship expert & can help families or organizations become more effective.
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Hi im a 20 year old mother of a 4 month old son and just recently

Resolved Question:

Hi i'm a 20 year old mother of a 4 month old son and just recently my life turned upside down when my boyfriend/babies father went to jail. we don't live together and i found out that the place he has been living at was with another girl. she called the police on him because of demestic viloence and the charges are serious enough to land him in jail for up to 5 years. he's no longer allowed to be left alone with our son or any child for that matter but i personally have never experienced any of this viloence first hand ever. We have been in a 4 year relationship with an exception of a few breaks and these breaks are when the "cheating" occurs. i recently forgave him and took him back for the sake of our family we are trying to have and things have gotten better as far as his efforts as a father and wanting to make things work go. but my question is should i stay or should i go im so confused as to what to do. his step mother paid his bail but the girl who called the police after a week he was in jail tried contacting him to have him go back and he deleted the messages from her because he was afride of me being upset. but his step mom took it as not being honest about staying in contact with her so she pulled the bail. he went to court today and went back to jail but im just confused as to what i should be doing. again ive never witnessed the viloence first hand in our 4 year relationship and he's agreed to counseling but i just don't know what to do. please help...
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  AgapeDoc replied 6 years ago.

AgapeDoc :

Thanks for contacting Just Answer

AgapeDoc :

Let's see if I can help here....

Customer:

ok

AgapeDoc :

OK... I have read your post a couple of times and I am sorry you find yourself in this very troubling situation - very troubling for sure...

AgapeDoc :

I wish I could tell you that I had a crystal ball and that I could tell you what would happen if you stay with him or what would happen if you leave him.... but of course no has a crystal ball.

Customer:

very true. just what do you think should happen. i just don't kno if im doing the right thing by staying

AgapeDoc :

Having said that, I have dealt with similar situations and I can provide some ideas on how things have gone with those couples based on the decisions they made....

Customer:

ok

AgapeDoc :

I understand. I understand very well... in most cases such as this, it is my recommendation to leave. The reason I say this is because "abusers" tend to get worse in general and the tend to get worse especially if the "victim" stays around.

Customer:

even if im not the victim and have never witnessed it first hand

Customer:

but i do understand why you recommend this though

AgapeDoc :

This is because, in an abusers mind there is a very strong psychological "marker" (for lack of a better word) that says, "If she is still here, I must be doing the right thing to beat her -even though it doesn't make sense, she is still here so she must need me to do it"

AgapeDoc :

Yes, that is a point I was going to make - you are not the victim, but you soon would be.

Customer:

true.. this makes sense i just needed to hear it from someone other then a friend

AgapeDoc :

Having said that.... I would take that approach - and let me please add something for you as if I didn't I wouldn't feel right...

Customer:

ok

AgapeDoc :

Based on my experience, you will need some support from time to time. In your case, it's not as severe as others I have contended with, but... I recommend that you become familiar with a support group for people with codependent issues. Just become familiar with what that looks like - you will be glad you did.

AgapeDoc :

I wish you all the best.

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