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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7608
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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I recently found out that my husband of almost 7 years has

Resolved Question:

I recently found out that my husband of almost 7 years has been cheating on me for about 5 of them with hookers. I wasn't having sex often enough for him, so he would get mad and do that. On average, we had sex at least 1x/week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We have 2 little girls, and I work full-time. He was married before and she cheated on him. He never got over that, and decided that he would hurt me before I could hurt him, supposedly. I love him, and have been completely faithful to him. I don't want this family to break up, but I don't know how I'll ever look at him the same?!?!????
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 6 years ago.
-- The most important thing you need to remind yourself is that you didn't "make" your husband make the very wrong and bad decisions he made. He is responsible for his own actions and blaming you for them is not only childish at the most basic level, but all sorts of irresponsible and a number of other things as well.
--- It is in perfect keeping with his shirking of any responsibility for his own actions that he's even expecting the counselor to be "psychic" or some t.v. show version of forensic investigator or body language reader.

--- These are not real people. These are exaggerations and fantasies.

We're not here to talk about his poor judgement and choices though. This is about you.

Are you going to make the right choices for yourself and for your future as well as your children?

Is this the man you want to be an example to your daughters and to lay the blueprint of what sort of husband they look for in life?

If he were healthy or even trying to be, in the way of being a grown up and admitting to his errors, mistakes, bad choices, etc., it would be different. A person who strives to be better and makes missteps is someone we can stand behind, beside or even guide (whatever they need at any given time) and we can forgive the mistakes (though forgetting is a challenge).

--- You need to continue with this counselor and pursue finding the strength that is inside you. The strength to stand alone if you need to and show your daughters that abuse is never to be tolerated, no matter how much you love the abuser.

Taking this stand and showing your husband that you will not be disrespected this way might be just the thing that makes him "hit bottom" and look at himself in all honesty.

Only once he admits that he and only he is responsible for what he did, will he be able to work his way back into your good graces.

You must not only expect to be respected and honored, but you must insist upon it by not allowing anything less. Do you understand this?

Yes, you are the victim here (as well as your children), but victims can quite often recover with more strength and even more pride in themselves than they ever thought possible.

You say you don't want the family to break up, but please, look at this objectively. What kind of a "family" is it, really? This husband and father has done perhaps the most harm any man can do to a "family" by betraying his vows and promises to be loyal, honorable and faithful through thick and thin, sickness and health, you know?

And you're defending him by saying he never got over his first wife cheating? How does this make any sense ? If that were true he'd know how it felt to be betrayed and he'd never do it to you. By fully knowing what it feels like and deciding, over and over, to inflict that kind of agony on you - well, be honest with yourself, is that "family" ? Is that even love?

---- BotXXXXX XXXXXne: Stop allowing yourself to be hurt. Stop accepting the blame for someone else's choices and decisions. Stop under-valuing yourself and make it clear to him that his behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. If his family is important to him, he needs to earn it back. He needs to grow up and be a man, a husband and a father.

Then get yourself back to that (or another) counselor fast before you lose your strength to stand behind your words.

You WILL survive this. You have a family to be strong for. Believe in yourself
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thankyou so much, this is the best and most honest answer I have received from JustAnswer. I need to see it like you do! I also have been an escort in my early 20's. he used that as an excuse to do it to me, after he knew how little respect I have for men. And, I did this long before I even knew him!! But he says to himself " I married a hooker" He's bringing up old behaviors and it's not me anymore, I have forgiven myself, but he's making it come back alive in my life.......blaming my stripping for his adultery. He also said, when he was getting divorced, "Once you cheat, It's done!" Because the man I was with I had also just caught cheating, as he did his wife.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Btw, he is completely admitting that he is in the wrong, and willing to do whatever it takes to make us work. He does have a hard time admitting that he is a sex addict. I have told him that for years, and he doesn't seem to believe it. he thinks that a wife should have sex everynight to satisfy her husband.
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 6 years ago.
-- Thank you for your very kind words. I understand his denial of 'addiction'; even in the psych community there is some question as to whether or not anyone can or does have this addiction to begin with. His hearing it from you might just sound like a criticism and he dismisses it as such.

-- Hearing it from a professional is easy to dismiss too. Many alcoholics would rather believe the professionals who say they are alcoholics, are just overly conservative and judgmental.

The person with the problem needs to be the one who decides it's a problem.

--- This isn't to say he doesn't need to hear it. It's often hearing it over and over, by as many people as possible - and seeing their lives crumble under the weight of the action - that brings them to the proverbial "hitting bottom".

--- A wife or a husband should have sex when the feeling is mutual, the desire is shared and the expression isn't just for the physical pleasure, but out of love.

I want you to stay strong. Keep a hold of the reality and don't let yourself be swayed by his fast talking and manipulation.

Rev.Dr. August Abbott and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am saving ur answer forever! U have made me see a light @ the end. I so appreciate what u have written to me,. Thanku from the bottom of my heart

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am saving ur answer forever! U have made me see a light @ the end. I so appreciate what u have written to me,. Thanku from the bottom of my heart

Also, where do I find support groups in my area? Or therapists? I've googled stuff & haven't come up with anything worthwhile.
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 6 years ago.
-- All that matters here is that you save your own life. There is no reason to suffer in silence and abuse. When you get to the end of your life and are filled with regrets it's the most sorrowful way to go.

Though regrets cannot be avoided in life and not all of our choices or decisions are going to the best ones, what's important is that we know that 'at that time' it was what we did with what we had and what we knew.

Mistakes are more easily forgiven (to forget them is to repeat them; so best to just forgive ourselves and get on with it) when we commit to not make them again.

As for support or counseling in your area, make a few phone calls to local churches. It doesn't matter if you belong or not - many of them "host" meetings of support groups that might apply to you.

If the one you're talking with doesn't, ask if they know any other options. You'd be surprised at how one thing leads to another.

--- Let's not forget Al-Anon in your area. Support for the loved ones and other victims of Alcoholism. Within one group you might find the 'link' you need to another group.

--- Also call your local hospital's mental health center and ask them for lists of options for your predicament.

You probably won't find the options advertised, but quietly out there for those who need them enough to look.

It won't be easy, but I promise this: It will be easier than living in sadness at the other end of life when the years are all gone.

No matter where you end up from here, it will be better and you will be stronger.

Never stop putting one foot in front of the other. It doesn't matter how fast you go, just that you go.

(Do not press 'accept' again on this; I'm happy to follow up with you)
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
U have the best way of answering & putting words into action. U really have a gift. Thankyou

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