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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7621
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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My husband and I separated over 6 years ago and he is now wanting

Customer Question

My husband and I separated over 6 years ago and he is now wanting to divorce. I love him more than anything and just want our lives back-together, with our children. I finally told him about a month ago that this divorce is not what I want and I will go above and beyond to make it work. His response was "we're incompatible". I've written an email and told him verbally how I feel, so what's next? Just accept that he no longer wants me in his life and stop fighting for what I so desperately want and need?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 6 years ago.
What has been going on for the last 6 years of separation? What have the talks and discussions been about with regard to the marriage? 6 years is a long time to be separated.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
He's just been paying a certain amount of money each month to care for the house and bills and raise our children. We haven't really had any discussions except over divorce and money matters. He just moved along with his life while I tried to move along with mine, but after being a wife and stay at home mom for so many years, I realize that even though our children are older now, I still want us to be a family again. He believes I cheated on him which I didn't, I was just a hormonal and depressive mess and was hanging around and talking to some people that I shouldn't have. I recently told him I never cheated on him in the way he thought I did, but that didn't seem to matter. He just said that we're incompatible.
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 6 years ago.
-- So for the last 6 years you, as a couple, have not been doing anything in the way of 'couple's counseling' or marriage therapy ?

You have to understand that he is probably being reasonable in his thought that nothing has changed and that the reasons that led to your separation to begin with are unchanged.

Here's your next step: First and foremost, you enter counseling in order to find out new ways to communicate and better tools for you to use in accepting whatever is happening at any given time. Work on you. Work on becoming the strong, independent, positive, forward moving lady you actually are. Once you begin to live with that air of independence and self-assuredness, you may suddenly look a lot more "compatible" to your husband; and you may decide on your own that, "no", as a matter of fact, you are not. It will be your decision.

--- If, as you proceed with this option you still feel the marriage is important, then ask your husband to join you. Or enlist a separate "couple's counselor". You'll be amazed at how much of a difference having a 3rd party there to guide you (both) and teaching you how to use tools of communication and coping that you didn't even know you, can make.

The bottom line is that this way you'll have the peace of mind that you tried everything possible and did all the right things. Let's hope your husband cooperates. If he doesn't, well, there's no way that one person can make a marriage work, so it's best to find out now and know for sure, right?