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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi Debra - its me again with the problem. You probably have

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Hi Debra - it's me again with the problem. You probably have access to my prior question. I have been married 35 yrs. and we have three men (32, 30 and 27). When I met my husband, I did not want a relationship because nine months before I had a bad break-up, but my husband ursued me, he said "I'm not that other guy, I'm different, give me a chance". I decided to give him a chance. As I previously mentioned, six months after I met him I went on a month long trip to Europe. About two, three months into our relationship he told me many times he loved me and if things continued as good he saw marriage in the future. Before I left he told me he was going out w/other women. Wel today I'm extremely bothered by his actions. We had made an agreement, that he would tell me when I returned from my trip, but he didn't. Since he didn't mention it, I didn't bring it up. My husband is a controlling person due to his upbringing. HIs monther and father fought for years for control,and other matters,and his mother won the war; therefore, my husband does not respect nor like his mother and looks down on his father for allowing his wife to dominate him. When my husband told me he was going out, I told him was not too happy w/that, that's when he said he did not know if he was going out or not. At that point in time, I figured it was his controlling issues coming into play; that's when I brought up and agreement. Now I have figured out that he did not love me if he wanted and did go out and have sex twice w/another woman that went to his work (a customer) and she was eight years older than him (he was 23). We have talked about this many times. I've cried many times about this. I cannot forgive him nor forgivemyself for not seeing the huge writing on the wall when he told me he was going out. I did not take care of myself or protect myself and I knew better since I had a previous bad relationship. He has said he is sorry several times. I get over it for a few weeks and the anger and sadness keeps coming back. I few days ago asked him to tell me the truth why he did this to me.e continues to say he did love me, but I do not believe you can love someone that way he said he loved me and betray me. He says he does not remember our agreement. He says I said it was ok, but I told him that's not true the most I did was leave the door open for him to choose. Also when he told me 17 years later it was very painful. We had finished making love and I was laying next to him when I said, "isn't it great that we have only been eachother?" His answer was "since we've been married". I could not believe what he said. I told him you were suppose to tell me when I came back, his answer was something to the effect "I know we would not have what we have", but he does not remember this either. I asked him if he wasn't afraid of loosing me when he said he was going out w/other women and he said "no". This only confirms that he did not love me. (1)wanted to go out w/other women (2)was not afraid to loose me (3) therefore, he was not committed to our relationship. I can't understand. Perhaps you can help me understant. I'm still going to see a counselor and she says I do not understand men and sex and it's true. I cannot understand why would you want to go out when you already love someone and you are not afraid to loose that person that you supposedly love so much.
Thank you for your time.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
As relationship move forward different feelings develop. When a relationship first starts it is new feelings, these feelings some times are not fully develop to the point you are unsure he you feel. I feel that as time goes by feelings get stronger. You had gone away and he was what you feel not commuted to the relationship. But that is not the same today, you built a relationship, a family together. You have to move forward from the past and focus on each other today. You have to look at your relationship now. How it has grow, how it has developed. You both now need to put this in the past and continue to grow together, love each other. I don't want you to think he doesn't love you in a certain way, because he does love you in his own way. Yes, you feel like he betrayed you and I understand. You don't know why he could do that to someone he loves, that he was not afraid to lose you. But his feels for you are now different. You built a life together. Your life needs to stay focused one each other. I am here if you need me.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I understand today is today, his and my feelings have grown, and we have gone through several stages, but I believed he was different man and I built my relationship on the basis that he had been true and it's hard to find someone like him and I thought I had. If I had known this, I would had not continued w/the relationship and find someone that truly cared and not want to go w/different women because he had found me. I had very few requirements for a husband such as befief in God and fidelity. If I had these, everything else was secondary and could be improved upon if needed.

As you can see, I'm struggling and I've thought about a seperation, but then I change my mind. The thought of being alone is scary. As I said I don't belive he loved me at that point in time, perhaps he liked me more than others. I wish he would tell me his reasoning. I feel everything I should have gone through at that time, I'm going through it now. He just says he did love me at that time, but I think he is lying.

Thank you

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
I feel that if you could get his honest answer about what he did and his true feelings for you at the time. You could get closure. That if he would sit down and explain things too you, you would be able to come to terms with how you feel about the whole situation. Often times when you don't understand things you need answers to put it to rest, so you can move forward together. Right now you feel like your relationship was based on the person you thought he was. In order to move forward you have to know how he felt about you at the time. But feelings do change as the relationship creates that bond. Some times relationships don't discover true feelings until things get altered. You went away and in that time he realized he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. That the time a part he new he wanted to be with you that he dated other woman and no one compared too you.
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