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MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 215
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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i am married 10 yers now but i still have problems from my

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i am married 10 yers now but i still have problems from my husband ex,s they call and talk about there personal life his ex wife she is married n wen ever she has a chance to talk to my husband she says i made a mistake i should hav hold on to u u would have been a better person then she ask him did u ever love me n also tells my husband tat her husband keeps putting her down saying her tits are ugly her stomach is hanging and so on now she is going to a break up she calls my husband n tells him and he is advising her and wen he does all this i tell him tat his ex always said he was a bad man y should she ask him wat to do he gets angry wid me he says there is nothing his ex wife always interfied in my life they hav 2 boys so tat is t link i have 3 kids wid him but now she spoke to a social worker and said tat she feels low n other tings so they gave my husband temperory residence for t kids n her daughter 2 her present husband so she keeps calling often n asking my husband oh wat to do my hubby is not going to give me back my girl .so he was advising her to be nice to husband get t girl back but t main thing is my husbands son who is 14 told us tat he baby sits t girl wen t mom goes night club n she calls at 1am asking t son is ur step dad home or is he com as he works as a cab driver and this happens alot so i told my husband tat he should not advise t women as what she is doing is wrong but he said oh ur 2 a mum u dont no t feeling of loosing ur child so i said i dont know because i am wid my kids 24/7 and beeing there 4 them he does not listen also he met his childhood sweetheart tat he was engaged to but marriage was stoped as he teated her bad n she called t wedding of so after all these years he met her again through facebook n asked forgiveness as he kicked her in her stomac wen she was pregnant n now she cannot have ne kids so we did c her n her husband n family said sorry cleared t air and ever since tat day she keeps messiging him talkin about t past where they used to hang around n do stuff saying i renember all tat so i told my hubby y should u talk about t past it will only rekindell t feelings but he also replied to msg saying he loved her and how he felt at tat time n where they used to meet after she got tat msg she replied saying you came back for me ur back in my life i told him its not fair to do all this no doubt he is letting me c wat he is writing but i feel he is doing it so i may think he has noting to hide please tell me am i overreacting or is it right for me to get insecured he shouts at me he dont listen to me he says tat my mind is twisted wen he drinks for no reason he hits me and calls me a prostitute an whore i got 3 kids wid him he is the only husband friend and everything to me i dont have a single friend to its only him pls advise me thes

  • Mary Abraham D'Cruz


      Ransom, I have been wanting to tell u something ever sine u came home… I know it is years too late.

      I realize I hv been very selfish. All along I used to think of myself as the one who was hurt badly.. I did not stop to think that I too might hv hurt u in some way. At tht time I though u were in love with some one else so u probably wont mind too much… I am not the type of girl that any one could fall in love with forever :(:(
      i want to say frm the bottom of my heart, Ransom I am truly deeply sorry for causing u any pain.

      I used to think of u thru the years.. esp. on the 24th of Sept of every year . every place I went to held memories.. Egmore/Pudupet is full of them!! everytime I pass Taj Coromandel, Nungambakkam – u took me there for a cup of coffee once, remember? Everytime the movie :”Sheena” is telecast on TV – I bet u don’t remember “Sheena” !!!!!! It was difficult to forget u.. what I am saying is that I don’t have only hurtful memories, Ransom, there are good ones too, please don’t feel too bad abt what u did.. I suppose it was just a phase u were going thru….

      I used to ask Charmaine (Frantz) abt u but all she said was tht u were married and hv children and tht she saw u sometimes whn u used to come down to India… I used to wondr wht u marriage was like, wht yr wife was like, were you kind and loving to her…

      Seeing u sitting behind the wheel of the car reminded me of the little red cycle u had – after mass (Risen Christ church) in the mornings u used to tke me for long rides – did the place look familiar to u?

      Aftr we broke up I did not get friendly with anyone for years – there was no one in my life.. util I met oliver and married him in 1998

      I can’t understand why you wanted to come home and meet me and my fly.. ..i thought I meant nthing to u and tht u were over and done with me.. It was great to see u again.. it felt so good.. I was so nervous – but I felt self conscious talking to u with yr mother-ion-law, yr wife, my fly all staring at me. !! Sorry abt the long msg… I thought I’d write to yr e-mail add but as I don’t hv it so I thought I’d FB u – I don’t mean to cause any tension between u and Liz and me and my husband – but I just needed to say this- esp after seeing you . when u went away to UK I remember I used to write to u everyday pages and pages – I wonder if u ever read every word – I must hv bored to u death !!!!!

      I better end now b4 u start yawning if u haven’t already !! take care Ransom –wishing u and Liz the best life ever

      hi mary,

                 thank you 4 yr msg, u made my day all along i was thinkin dat i was d only 1 dat had feelins 4 u n dat u were forced 2 do things 4 me n was compelled by me 2 b in a relationship.u were not being selfish u did d best thing 4 yr self mary,if u wer wid me i dont no wat would have happened 2 u mary b'cos my jealous rage would've brought out the worst in me.i can look from yr point of view how u felt about me b'cos no woman should not have no fear 2 live wid their partner n should b free from abuse(emotional n physical)no mary u should not feel bad on yr path u were a lovely person it was totally my fault 4 d things i did 2 was difficult 4 me 2 cope at dat time, n i was rushin into things at dat time i didnt let the dust settle instead i made d situation worse.after u done what u done i was runnin in circles n i was unsettled like a wounded lion,i tried 2 win u back but i was goin about it d wrong way n i was gettin a lot of people involved n i was makin a mess of d situation.after u leavin me mary i 2 never got involved wid any1 (woman)i was single till'95 then disaster struck in d mnt of july'95 wen i met aaron's mum in sindhoori(night club)nxt 2 apollo hospital.i just went 4 a fun night out but i landed up wid catrosophy in my hands.mary i'm glad u rememba som pleasant memories v had 2gether i thought u erased all memories of me n u only thought of me as a nightmare.i do rememba all d places v been 2 d park opp indian airlines off.vickys corner, cosmos hotel opp perambur church, srp colony, hotel sembiam etc...etc...well mary give me regards XXXXX XXXXX family tc GOD bless

  • now her rep sorry i did not reply earlier Ransom.. i did not get the time (privacy) to write to u...i mean no husband/wife wud like their partners corresponding with their Ex..its just that i .. i don't know ransom.. i tried my best not to write to u earlier but i couldn;t help it.. ever since i saw u tht saturday - i've been thinking abt the past a lot.. it was just so great to see you..

    for years i used to imagine you coming back for me and every time i heard u were in India i used to keep looking out for you.. you finally came Ransom.. you finally came to see me - u r back in my life now.. it makes me so happy to think u haven;t forgottem me -

    Rememer once, we were going thru a magazine and it had pictures of children who were deformed and had hair all ovr them.. and u looked and me said - hope our children are not born like this and that they are healthy.. when i heard u had children that was my first thought - hope ransom's kids are healthy and beautiful.. and they are Ransom.. u have five beautiful kids (u hav been a verrrrry busy man!!!!!)

    u know ppl used to lie to my Dad saying they saw us at the Police station -tht i was in locked up for half day etc.. my dad used to beat me up- with the cricket bat with whtvr he cud get..

    i don;t know if it is wrong to writ to u - talking abt the past..

    i don't want to cause any friction - u hv a great marriage - she is a sweet girl. (i went on FB and saw her pic (yr first wife))

    take care Ransom.. :)

    hi this is the msg sent between them
    Submitted: 6 years ago.
    Category: Relationship
    Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 6 years ago.

    Russ0114 : Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you. I will try to wait for you to get back online so that we can chat.

    hi can u let me know when will u b online for me to chat i live in london pls


    if u arrange for a time i will log on

    Russ0114 :

    Hello, first let me say that you are not crazy and you have every right to be upset as these interactions between your husband and his exes are inappropriate.

    Russ0114 :

    I would also like to say that I'm very concerned that your husband hits you, you deserve to be in an abuse free relationship.

    Russ0114 :

    It sounds like your husband has an aggressive/violent past and this is not healthy for you or your children. I know you said that you have no friends or family in the UK but if it's possible, you should try to reach out for help to an agency that assists women and their children who are in abusive situations.

    Russ0114 :

    Based on the information you've provided, I'm gathering that your family is in India, if you are close with them, you need to tell them what is going on so that you can figure out what's going to be best for you and your children. That may mean returning to India to be with your family and away from this man who is hurting you. I don't know if you work or if you're a stay at home mother but I do feel very strongly that you should not have to deal with this type of behavior. You're not overreacting and your husband needs to seek help for his domestic issues as this seems to be a pattern for him.

    Russ0114 :

    It doesn't sound like your husband respects you or your marriage and that's an issue. You've been together for 10 years and you've given him 3 lovely children and I can't seem to find anything that he's given you in return based on the information you've provided. You deserve to be treated better than this.


    hi thankyou


    hi thankyou for ur reply yes my family is in india and they know but they say tat i am married to t man so try to work tings out he is a good father n also treats me good only his drinking makes him mad .


    hi thankyou for your reply yes my family is in india and they have seen what happened and all they say is worke ur marriage i cannot go back to live there wid them not tat they wont have me it is tat my kids are born in uk n study here another thing my husband is a good man he a good father n treats me fine but wen he drinks it is a problem .


    hi thank you for ur reply i have my family in india and they know about all tat i am going through but well they think t indian way and say work ur marriage my husband is a good father n also treats me good only wen he drinks and this problem wid his ex is always there and wen i ask y is she bringing t past he gets angry saying i am wid u 24/7 how can i have any thing for her can u tell me does all women get angry wid there husband if they talk personal things or is it me .pls advise me i know t beating is not right outer than getting out of this marriage can i get him help or do u think tat i can get help from t mesg i sent u wat do u think .my view was i told him talking about t past will only bring back t memories and start a feeling between yourl n he says tat i am t only one who thinks like tat pls advise

    Russ0114 :

    He has to want to get help. In addition, if he can't control his anger when drinking, he should consider not drinking. If he becomes violent with you, there's no sure way of knowing that he won't become totally out of control one day and become violent with your children. You should talk with him about seeking help because this is not a healthy cycle. Again, your thoughts are not off base and his interactions with his exes are completely inappropriate. The only thing he should really be talking with his ex wife about are the children nothing more about what could've been between them as that time has passed, it's disrespectful to you and to your marriage. I think you should also seek outside support be it a support group or something along those lines.

    Russ0114 :

    If this interaction was helpful, please press accept.


    thankyou it really helped me ur answers as i was thinking that i was off board in t way i was thinking i am going to a support group and it dont help but will try talking to him thankyou god bless you as t work u do is great

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