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Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1482
Experience:  24 years in a private practice
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Hi My situation is a bit complicated! I am 34yrs old with

Customer Question

Hi
My situation is a bit complicated! I am 34yrs old with 2 young kids. I am married but we are now separated. Last year I met a new guy (age 39, also 2 young kids, separated) and we got together, it was all a bit of a whirlwind. He was very full on very early and we both fell for each other in a big way. I was still with my husband and I wanted to leave but found it very difficult to break up my kids "home" even though I loved this guy so very much. I asked my husband for a separation in February and this seemed to be agreed to for a couple of weeks but then my husband begged me to reconsider and due to guilt and exhaustion I gave in and agreed to stay and ended it with my other guy. He was devastated as was I. We continued to stay in contact, by text, email, out for lunches most days during the week..... we then fell back into sleeping together and went to his friend's surprise party together where I met the majority of his friends. He continued to buy me gifts and told me he loved me and wished we could be together properly one day....... Then he dropped the bombshell. When we had initially split he had confided in his friends who told him to forget me and move on. So he signed up to a dating website!! Within a few weeks, and while still involved with me (though he considered himself single), he went out on a date with a woman. He told me it was just a date and he was lonely and wanted to be free to see anyone he liked as I was not available on the level he wanted. I was very upset but did understand where he was coming from. The final straw was when at the end of March, after having spent the night with him, he saw the same female the night after...... then a week later took her to his best friends birthday party (which I have since been told by the best friend went down like a lead balloon as he had expected me to be there...)
I was DEVASTATED. My marriage by now was all but over (no sex or physical contact since last summer) and I ended up needing to take anti-depressants as I was so upset and emotional.
He has continued to date the same woman who I now know to be 42 years old and lives in a city over an hours drive away from us.
To make matters worse he as kept in constant contact with me since then, texting, emailing and turning up at my work (he used to work in the same team as me) even when he has known that I would be there alone. Last month he suggested we go out for dinner "as friends". I declined as I was worried that if anything happened or was said my hopes would be raised and then dashed.
The contact has decreased lately, now only Monday to Friday during the daytime and usually by email and 99% initiated by him. My friends all think he is still in love with me or at least can't let go. I have no idea what is going on. He is certainly interested in me and wants to remain in touch for reasons beyond my comprehension!!!
I have lost weight, changed my hair for the better, my skin has improved, I have joined a gym and am getting on with my life. My marriage is over though I haven't told this guy that as he is with this other woman now. How serious it is I have no idea but she is there and that is enough.
There is nothing in the world I'd like more than to be with him again... we were just so good together on every level. Our kids even got on amazingly! We seemed to want all the same things from life and share the same values.
I don't know what to do now. I know telling him how I feel would not be wise at this time. Please can you advise me in any way at all?? Do you think he still wants us to have a future or is he just stringing me along (I don't think he is like that really)?
Thanks.
Jane T, Manchester, UK
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Doctor Kevin replied 6 years ago.

Kevin Kappler :

Jane your request sounds so tragic and emotionally laden. You have obviously so deeply fallen in love that you do not see who he is now. You must accept the fact that it was a good match but there has been too much that has gone on since then to reestablish the trust you need to have an enduring relationship. You need to get some closure on all these loose emotional ends and dead relationships. Otherwise you will go from one relationship to another and not know where you stand. You need time to heal and get back on your feet.

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