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I have been dating this guy for about 9 months, and we have

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been together for 11....
I have been dating this guy for about 9 months, and we have been together for 11. We had a really good relaionship for about 6 months or so. We communicated well, had a good balance or serious and fun, laughed a lot and each had our own lives outside of each other. Things began to change somewhat about 2-3 months ago. He had less time to spend, and began dropping plans with me to hang around his friends ( which he admits are bad influences. ) He also has a huge amount of stress and expectaion from his family. I was understanding about all of this for quite a while. He started becoming very passive aggresive towards me. Playing mind games and such. I expressed my feelings and let him know how his behavior made me feel. When i did this he cried uncomtrollably. He is normally very very controlled and somewhat arrogant. things improved brienfly and then went back to the same. I began to get my own life so to speak. Doing things with friends and enjoying myself instread of being angry at him and waiting on him. this upset him and we had 2-3 more crying episodes by him. He would get on my floor and cry. He begged me to work things out, so i tried. But once again it was my making 75 % of the effort. He is somewhat of a victim of his life and thinks he does no wrong. I just wastn happy anymore and did not enjoy the relationship anymore. he diditn take me on dates or really make much effort. I was squeezed into his life. The night we broke up he then said he needed to change. He said he would do anything he had to. Honestly i just dont have the energy and im tired of crying and fighting. I am too young to deal with this. I honestly feel that i have tried everything i can. He has now said that it is all my fault that things didnt work out because I would not take him up on his plea to change. I have talked with him for 2 months about this. I feel guilty and angry. Angry because I have been loving, loyal, trustworthy, supportive and accepting of all of him and his issues, and he refuses to see that he may be at fault at all. I got tired of giving the whole cake and getting crumbs. He is now saying things like i will not be your friend and their is no turning back. and he said that i have no concern for him at all. He is all he thinks about. I for once was taking care of me and he is being really mean about it. Please give me some feedback on this. I feel as if i am being manipulated and would like a suggestion as to how to deal with it. thank you
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 1 hour by:
6/4/2011
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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He is what we call a borderline personality disorder. They are arrogant and overconfident. They do not care about anyone else's needs. They live to be the center of attention and are over dramatic. Most of all they are manipulative and prefer chaos over stable relationships. They are your friend or your enemy. An insinuation that they will hurt themselves is very common. They rarely do it . They rather get attention through hysterics. Drop him immediately! This is will not change. He will continue to do things to get attention and put his needs above yours. He will not change. They are full of empty promises. Cut it off clean and don't look back. Tell him it's over and let it go. He will move on eventually

 

 

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thank you for the advice. The break up was 2 days ago, and we last text last night when he said "there is no going back." Which i found very dramatic and rude. Could I hope that this will be the last of him, and if I hear from him what should I do. He said that he wanted to see me in person the "clear things up." I am guess in person he thinks he will have a better chance of manipulating me. He had a such a sweet nature for so long, how could he have changed so much??
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
It probably isn't the last of him because he will have a habit of orchestrating chaos. If you hear from him, just ignore it or say as little as possible. Anything else will feed into it. I wouldn't appear in person - that is exactly what I am talking about. Tell him you don't wish to do that. Exactly - manipulation. He didn't change; he is showing his true colors. They are great appearing to be different
psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
My boyfriend text me last night and basically said this was all of my fault. He said that his friends have told him to hate me and that he is bette than me. He also said that he gave me an opportunity to mold him into what i needed him to be and i refused it. I told him that i respected him to much to do that and that was not my place to do. Well this morning he sent my brother a message on facebook. He is not even friends with my brother. It said that he tried to please me an it wasnt good enough. He also told my brother that i missed him and that he needed to do a better job of contacting me. I thought that was very strange. WEll he came over today to talk. WE left and went to a public place. He yelled at me and asked for things back he had given me, then he said never mind. He was very mean and hatefull. I asked him to leave and he refused. My mom came and got me. He later text my mom ( which he never does) and told her that he was sorry and that it was all of his fault. Now why can he tell her that but not me??? I dont know what to think aobut his behavior...please help
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
You don't need him! He is using other people to get over on you. You need a guy who is kind and honest. He is playing your relatives to get to you. He is one who plays games. Don't allow him to do this
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I understand what you are saying. He is now texting my friends. I have told him that i would be his friend and he says that he will only be my friend if i would apologize for giving up on him. I did not give up on him, i walked away from the relationship. He had no time for weeks, and had gotten very rude and cold. But he did not mind asking for sex etc. I felt unimportant and taking for granted. I gave him chances and it was always the same thing. I have been nice about the breakup, but he continues to be hatefull. He said that i have to prove to him that i want to be his friend. I did nothing but prove to him for 11 months that i was his friend. I truly was a good, loving, loyal, supporive girlfriend. His behavior is shocking to me. If he hates me so much why does he continue to try and text me? and why is he blaming everything on me. His dad walked out on him when he was young. He is back in his life though, and a big part of his life. But that left scars on him. I feel as if i am being punished for others mistakes. Please help me understand
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
You should feel unimportant because he treated you that way. Let him go. Do whatever you have to do to get him stop. Don't be his friend or anything else. You are wasting your time. Who cares who he blamed? You know that you are a good person. He is so self centered that he has made everything your fault and you are a horrible person. Guess what. Let him think that and find a guy who appreciates you
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
ok, So my ex boyfriend recently apologized and took responsibility for his behavior. He said that he knew things were his fault and that he had been a jerk to me. He asked me to please consider giving him another chance. He said that he realized that he would have many regrets if things ended now, becasue he knows that he was not the boyfreind that he should and could be to me. He said that he had never felt so empty in his life. I am now out of town for a week and I do not have my phone, so therefore he and i will not be communicating until Saturday. I told him that i would consider working things out with him, but there were a lot of things to be worked out. He was very happy and told me not to worry about things while i was gone. I have been ok unitl today. I am suddenly afraid that i will get home and we will change his mind. I guess that i am not trusting him yet. I was told that this time apart is a good thing.. I could really use some words of wisdom...
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago

If you have talked about this and you both agreed that you want to try again, then chances are he isn't going to change his mind. He was pursuing you = he is motivated to start this relationship on the premise that you have alot to talk about. I would spend time thinking about what you want from the relationship and what issues need to be resolved. You could start a journal with this information to take your mind off being away. You are just having anxiety about this. Talking will reassure you again. I would use journaling to get through the week and be prepared to ask for what you want.

 

 

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
well I got back from my trip and my ex was ready to see me every minute of every day. To the point that he was getting angry at me if I didnt spend a lot of time with him. This really confused me. He kept telling me that I needed to make a better effort and that I needed to prove to him that he means something to me. He is the one who blew me off for months. Basically he wanted a second chance, and he expected me to spend every minute of every day with him. He asked me to change my relationship status on FB to compicated so no other guys would try and date me. Things got better again for about a week. We both went on vacation...not in the same place. When we came home, I had some mixed feelings and I was not ready to see him. I should have explained that to him. But i had plans with him on a Wedensday night. I spent time with my friends during the day on Wedensday. He sent me a very angry text, saying that my friends were more important than him, since I saw my friends before I saw him. He and I still had plans, which I cancellied. I was not going to see him when he was being hatefull and angry. His temper is irrational and it makes me uncomfortable. He then started yelling at me over text saying that i never cared for him and that it was all a lie. He said that i never cared for him etc. I was soo good to him when we dated, the problem was I was not a priority anymore. I came last and there were broken promises. I honestly feel like I tried everything i could. He told me that if it wasnt for me he would have committed suicide. He gets emotional when he thinks he is losing me, but when he has me he is very vague. The other day he said he was tired of me hurting him??!!! that was confusing. I get that he is hurt because we are not together, but he knows why. so i told him that was fine and I respected his choice. he then said it seems so easy for me and started cussing over text again....I never replied. I do not understand what has happened. He thinks this is all my fault and nothing I say heps. I am really tired of this. Please your opinion is needed
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
It sounds like this relationship is way too complicated and too emotional in a negative way. You deserve more than angry texts and accusations. A relationship should be more stable and less angry. I don't think you are going to change him. He is going to have this anger that is not a great quality. I would consider ending this. The only time he acts like he cares is when he thinks he is going to be alone. Someone should want to be with you for all the right reasons
psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
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