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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I dated this guy since a year. He was separated with a small

Customer Question

I dated this guy since a year. He was separated with a small daughter who lives with her mom. During that year, he visited them couple of times because he wanted to see his daughter and told me that he doesn't see himself back with his wife. He kept asserting me that if he didnt have a girl the only person he wants to spend the rest of his life with is me. He kept expressing that he is so torn seeing his daughter not fully raised up by him or what if he his gets married and the husband mistreats his daughter. Two days ago he told me he decided to give the relationship with his wife a chance (they have been married for 3.5 years and separated for 1.5 years and reason for marriage is because his wife got pregnant with the girl). I know I should move on with my life and forget about him as painful as it is. Do you think he will stay with wife or decide for divorce. Please comment
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I probably would say to let it go and you already know that this is a very risky way to maintain or reunite with him in a relationship. If his feelings are with his wife enough to go back with her at all then that is probably your answer. I would say that since they broke up completely there has to be a serious problem with their relationship and the chances of it lasting are not good. When people break up they often find that the same problems are almost always there. I have found that people who reunite often to not stay together. Especially when there is not marriage counseling or some intervention. If he does leave let him know that you will not continue to wait around; don't participate in a pattern of breaking up and running back to you. Don't wait forever but I understand your position
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
He kept asserting that the only reason he is going back to her is the daughter. He mentioned that he would contact me every once in a while. I told him not to. He made his choice and he has to bear the consequences and that he can only contact me if he there is any substantial change. Do you he is legit that he is only going back because of the daughter and do you expect him to contact me.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
It's never just the daughter. I wouldn't be holding out for sporadic contact. That leaves the door of hope open and keeps you from moving on. That is a very destructive habit. I think he will contact you because a troubled relationship reuniting hardly ever works. I fear that he will try to play you and her. That you should not tolerate. If he wants to come back it has to include NO contact with the wife and no living with her either. Just a word to the wise- as I said it is never just the children. Don't let him feed you some excuses to have both
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
So you think he has feelings for his wife also? That's what you mean by not just the children
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Yes it is. People go back for the children but that usually not the whole reason or else he would have to live with someone he no longer cares about. It is a combination of his child and his motivation to fix the marriage.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. Do you think he will ever get a divorce, especially that he kept telling me that the only reason he married her coz she got pregnant
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Absolutely. This is probably the last time and when that doesn't work divorce will be the only option
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
WHy do men swing between two women if they can.. why cant they totally let go?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I think they let go but like the ego boost or the attention. Some men may genuinely have trouble making a decision but I think some men enjoy the benefits of having two women. That doesn't mean you guy - I am just making an observation. Some men have an emotional attachment and have difficulty making a clean break because it removes that relationship from their life
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
So you predict that he will call me back? and I dont know this sounds a lame question? How soon would you think he would.. I will do exactly like you advised.. I just want to try to comprehend if he would call.. why would he call and how soon... but I am moving on..
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I think so. I don't want to put a time frame on it, but really putting myself out there I wouldn't be surprised if there are problems with his relationship and it collapses in 6 months. I would move on after that - sooner if that is your wish
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Do you think he did love me? or if he did love he wouldnt be back with the wife? and do you think he will try to come back with me if he gets a divorce. Iam moving on I promise.. It is just these questions are going in my head
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
He probably did love you but feels obligated to make something work because of children and/or obligation. This happens often. If he gets a divorce I think you will be the first person he calls. It's okay to have doubt. This is an emotional time and I am glad to help
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
what do you suggest I should do to distract myself and help myself to move on and prevent myself from missing him and the temptation of contacting him
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
Anything that interests you = classes, workshops, hobbies, activities, sports, business ventures, charity. Find something that interests you. I hesitate to give you examples because everyone is different but I will use a generic person: take a college class even if it is pottery, write letters to soldiers in Iraq (Adopt a Soldier), join Red Hat ladies to socialize, join a club such as Parents Without Partners, take up needlepoint, start a small business, make money in your spare time, go to a dance, attend a self esteem workship. You get the idea.