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MrsRuss0114
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 215
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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I have been in a relationship with someone for 8 months now.

Customer Question

I have been in a relationship with someone for 8 months now. Him and I get along great, have a lot in common, and have a lot of fun together. We have had a couple of incidents in the past which have affected me. The first incident came out of nowhere, where he suddenly started questioning our relationship and saying that he feels like something is missing. He then admitted a couple days later that he is afraid of being in a committed relationship that is going well, and that he does want to be with me. This wasn't surprising because he previously admitted that our 8 month relationship was the longest relationship he had in 9 years (he is 33 years old). Things seemed to be going great, when i found out he he was sending inappropriate text messages to a couple of girls (both girls he never sees/hangs out with). I confronted him, and he apologized at first and promised he would never do it again. Unfortunately it happened again, which resulted in him getting defensive and breaking up with me. A couple days later he came back again and opened up to me (finally - something he has never done before). He told me that he cares about me tremendously and that he has a problem with himself and how he analyzes relationships and situations in his life. He then went on to say that he wants us to work out, and that he loves me (something he has never told me before...and something he said that isn't a word he throws around because to him, saying I love you means you are promising someone something). It meant a lot to me that he opened up to me and showed me how he cares about me. I feel like our relationship became stronger because of this. The problem is, We never got into detail about much else, such as the text messages, and I've always kept my feelings on that issue to myself as it isn't something I want to get in an argument about again. I try to believe that he has since stopped, but I highly doubt he has. I found out that he is going out to dinner with an "old friend" (to the place him and I went on for our first date..). I don't know if this is a date, but when I asked him about who this friend is - he lied and made up a different name/person of the person he was going to dinner with. So he lied to me again, he does not know that I know this...and I don't know how to confront him about this either or if it is even worth it at this point. I love him so much and would never put up with this is any other relationship. I continue sticking around knowing that I may get hurt again. I feel like he has serious commitment issues and does things like this to not get close to me. I want to make this work out but I know it can't unless we are both honest and open with one another. Any advice on how I can handle this?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 6 years ago.

Russ0114 :

If you find my answer helpful, please accept and feel free to leave feedback.

Russ0114 :

Hello, I see that you've already tried talking to him but I think that you have to be completely open and honest about what you know and how you feel about those things. Relationships should be built on trust and communication and if you can't trust or feel completely comfortable communicating with him then there may always be an issue.

Russ0114 :

If he truly loves and wants to be with you then he should be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. If he's unwilling then this is something that you should take into consideration, how much sneaking and lying are you willing to put up with. It's unfair to you for him to tell you one thing and act opposite of that.

JACUSTOMER-dwdv5l71- :

Is there anything I can do to help him overcome his fear of commitment? I feel like the text messages are his way of not getting close to me because he is scared.

Russ0114 :

Unfortunately, him moving past his commitment issues have to be done by him. You can continue to remain supportive and be there for him but at the same time, don't allow him to use his commitment issues to be untruthful and possibly unfaithful to you.

Russ0114 :

You can reassure him that you want to be with him and only him but his behaviors may stand in the way of that. You can share with him that you're willing to talk to him about what brought him to this point but that there are things that you won't tolerate such as the dishonesty.

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