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Ask Dr. Shirley Schaye Your Own Question
Dr. Shirley Schaye
Dr. Shirley Schaye, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1673
Experience:  PhD-Psych; Certif. Psychoanalyst NPAP& NYFS; Memb.APsaA;IPA; Pub.Author; Teach/Supervise Therapy
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My husband & I love each other very much but we are getting

Customer Question

My husband & I love each other very much but we are getting worse at communications. He has become very inpatient with everything & everyone & snaps quickly but he doesn't see it. He only sees other people's flaws & its magnified. We are talking about separating for a while to figure things out. I have a tendency to shut down & walk away when he behaves like that & then we get into a bigger argument. please advise.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for contacting Just Answer. i am so very sorry to hear about what is going on. I was going to VERY strongly suggest marital therapy before you make the decision to separate but I see that you have already tried counseling. Was it marital counseling? What happened there? Please elaborate so that I may better understand what is going on and so be in a better position to help.
I'll pause here and await your response so that we may continue to chat.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
We did pre-maretial counseling but that didn't go so well because the counsel was avoiding the major issues & prolonging the sessions for $$$$$$$. Later, my husband decided that he is stress & went to see a therapist for that (he was having problems with his siblings) but somehow that manifested as being a "wife issue" so the therapist had said bring her the next time. He is complaint was that I expect him to help with meals & laundry. Which he failed to tell her that i work 12 hour days & that I also horrid a house keep so the help I was asking was maybe 1-2 x month. The therapist had said we don't have any real issues & we don't need to go back we just have to learn to communicate. We've been married for a 1 1/2 years, he is 43 & I am 34, we got married later in marriage, we dated 3 years. We are both professionals, I work more hours then he does but we still have dinners together & do fun things every weekend. He notices that he has changed to before he was super patient & very calm & now its 180 degree turn. I am unhappy most of the time & we both really want this work but therapy was more he said & she said & we would fight more after therapy specially when they take sides instead of expressing others feelings.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Also, we have a very strong family bonds on each side & at the time when we did counseling was more about the relatives/family that would offend us & how we would blame each other for not standing up for each other. I think we got so burned out with the family issues & now that its time to deal with our concerns we have no each patience for it. Also, we come from a culture that our therapist didn't understand & we live in a small communit & going to a therapist with in our culture we didn't feel that our confidentiality would be protected the way we would want.
Expert:  Dr. Shirley Schaye replied 6 years ago.
You may have been with someone who just is not well qualified. There are all kinds of levels of training. In my experience someone with the problems the two of you are having have a great deal of difficulty communicating on their own when they have the problems that the two of you have. I don't know where you are to know if I know of anyone in your area. What city, state and zip code are you in?

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