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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi, thanks in advance for your help with this... To cut

Customer Question

Hi, thanks in advance for your help with this...

To cut a very long story short, I've just approached the 6-month mark in a new relationship and am having serious doubts. All should be going great but I have been growing increasingly anxious about it. Rather than create any issues in the relationship I have kept my worries to myself.

To give you a bit of context. Ten years ago I was very badly hurt in a relationship - fiance effectively leaving me at the altar - and have had several disasterous relationships since. I guess through fear of rejection, up until 6 months ago I hadn't even dated for three years! Anyway, I really like this current girl, but now find myself picking 'faults' in the relationship. For example - can't believe I'm writing this - despite having had a sexual past myself, for some reason I get upset about hers! She has 'played the field far more than I?' I can't believe my own stupity sometimes, but those are the thoughts going through my head. I am 38 years old and I should know better. I am at my wits end.

I have done a pro/con list which has, I believe, revealed quite alot about how I view her qualities - the 'pros' are as long as the page; the 'cons' - but a few lines. Can you please advise what I should do? Perhaps how I can rationally work my way through this without destabilising and/or destroying our relationship. I really don't want to throw away yet another relationship, especially one that has such potential, but I feel if I don't tackle these issues soon then it seems an inevitable outcome.

Any help you can provide would be HUGELY appreciated.

Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
What I feel is happening is your feelings are overwhelming you right now. I think you care a lot about her and you are trying to find fault because you are afraid of how you feel about her. It's easy to find fault and walk away then to get your heart broken. You have been through very disappointing times in your life with relationships. You are worried that if you get close to someone things are going to fall apart. But what if this time is different? Love is about putting your heart out there, taking a risk. You mentioned about her past, but that is the past, she is with you now. I feel the reason why you get upset over this is you care about her so much and want to be the best person for her. You could be experiencing jealous feelings about her past that is ok. This is just you dealing with how you feel and that you don't want to lose her. You had a relationship that you were left at the alter, this would have an effect on your current relationship. You would be worried, nervous, but open your heart up again. You have been together for months and there is so much more you both need to get to know about each other. You need to ask yourself these questions, do you love her? Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her? Can you picture your life without her?
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thank you kindly Debra. Food for thought. Will digest.


Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
You welcome, I am here if you need any more questions answered.