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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me for

Customer Question

I just found out that my husband has been cheating on me for 10 years and has 2 children form that relationship.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
Your husband has been cheating on you and has two children from that relationship. Right now you are dealing with the fact your life just changed and you are trying to understand why. You want to understand why your husband has done this and that he has not told you and has other children by someone else. You are going through a very confusing emotional time. You are trying to accept the news of what has just happened. You need answers in order to heal from what has happened. This is something that he needs to discuss with you and answer any questions you have about what has happened. He has said you are the perfect wife and mother. He has told you the truth about how he feels about you. He could not leave you because he loves and cares for you. BUt he has been living a lie and has had another life. His life got caught up and his love for you, could never let him make the decision to leave you. He wanted to be with you. He now wants to be alone to sort out things himself. He would be very confused that the life he once has is over. He no longer has to hide his life, but he also has hurt someone he loves dearly. He doesn't want to live with the other family. The question you have to ask yourself is are you willing to work this out with him? Can you forgive him for what he has done and understand why this has happened? Do you want to work through this and continue this marriage? I am here to help you through this and if you have anymore questions I will gladly answer.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I do not know what I am feeling now. My life is shattered. I can not make any decisions. I am totally confused. I do not know if I can live with him again. I see him often because we are in business together. I try to act civil at the office. He has in the meantime decided to send them away to PE. But I feel I need to confront the women before she goes. Is that advisable.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
What is happening right now is you were living a certain life and in one day you found out the life you had was not what you thought. You would be very confused and not able to make a decision. You are experiencing many emotions and going through stages of emotions. You could feel angry, hurt, sad, worried, nervous, disappointed. You have many questions about how someone you love could hurt you in this way. You need answers right now in order to understand what is going on in your life. You are in business together as well so you have to face him. You do not know if you can live with him again and yes things would be different. You would no longer trust him and you would be wondering if he was seeing the other family. You would both have to work on rebuilding trust and working through why he had another live with someone else. He has sent them away and you feel like you need to confront the woman who he has had another life with. If she agrees to meet with you and you feel that is how you are going to get closure to what has happened. You can not meet with this woman unless she agrees. It might be something she is not ready to face. I want you to do what you feel is best for your life right now. I want you to try to understand what you are feeling. Talk things out and how you feel, do not hold your emotions in, if you are feeling an certain emotion, express it. Do not hold it in, it will help you understand how you are feelings and it will help you work through what is happening. I am here for all your questions.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
What if he loves the woman, but he also says that he can not live with her. That he sees me and him together. He is being very nice to me. He also said that he will do anything for me, give me his life. What does all this mean. He also said that I will not be able to be with him after 10 years of disceet.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
He has mentioned he can not live with her. He says he sees you and him together. He already has made his choice, he loves you and wants to be with you. You need to ask your husband if he feels he loves this woman and why he did what he did. You asked about what he meant by saying he would do anything for you, give me his life. This is saying that he loves and cares about you more than anything and he would do anything in this life for you, that he would give you his whole life. That you deserve everything and you are everything too him. He is now worried that because of this your feelings have changed and that you will not work this out with him. He feels like his life will never be the same and that you will never forgive what he did. That his marriage will change and that you will change because of what happened. He is saying that he feels you will not be able to move on from this in the marriage. That you will not want to have a life with him, to live with him and you will look at him differently. You will look at him differently because you have not been able to fully understand what has happened. You will also be going through many emotions and he knows that your feelings could change. He is worried this will not work out and he will lose you.