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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My twin children are now 2 years old, their father left when

Customer Question

My twin children are now 2 years old, their father left when they were 6 months old - I don't think they have any recollection of him living with us - he lives on the other side of the World so sees them once a month via skype (this is because I feel they need to know they have a daddy - I insist he continues some form of contact) I have introduced him to them as Daddy.

Their Daddy has now said he would like to come over to the UK and visit us at some point in the next year (he has never contributed any financial support for the children) - do I let him stay in my home? - what effect will this have on the children?

I also feel that because of a support network, I am the sole carer for the twins and have therefore not been out since he left and I don't really have a life of my own outside the children - is this healthy for the children - I feel I am doing the right thing as they are my priority and I should put them first, but will there be any negative effects of that?

can you help me?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
You have their best interests at heart. You are not doing your children any good by not having a life. They need the ability to separate from you in a healthy way. That does not promote their having a healthy ability to separate from you. You are really reducing their ability to be confident in finding outside relationships without you.

As far as dad, he needs to stay elsewhere. You will confuse them by having him stay there. He is not part of your home. He should not be able to pretend to be living them. When they older they will appreciate that dad comes into town but he lives elsewhere
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Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

You can always put the children first. But if they first, last and inbetween it is not positive. When you exclude everything else in the world except them that is not healthy for you or them. They come to have sort of a self centered notion of the world and you are not as effective as you need to be. You need to do things on your own. This allows them to not have social anxiety from always having mom around. They don't learn to separate from you in a healthy way. As far as dad goes, he should not stay in your home. This sends a message that he should be in your home and part of the family. He needs to be dad. Separate and apart. You will confuse them by having him in the home and they won't understand why he leaves. There needs to be clear boundaries otherwise they won't develop a relationship that is based on health visitations. Get a life outside your children and have him stay elsewhere


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