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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have been dating a man for 6 months (we are both in our mid-30s).

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I have been dating a man for 6 months (we are both in our mid-30's). He tells me that one of the things he finds most attractive about me is that I don't need him. He likes that I am self sufficient, both financially and emotionally. We have a wonderful relationship...we spend plenty of time together, we laugh a lot, we are open and honest and can tell each other anything without jealousy and judgment. But we both value and appreciate our nights away from each other as well. However, this past week he started hearing from an ex. He has assured me he has no feelings for her and doesn't want her back. He even asked me to be there when he called her to tell her not to interfere in his happiness and that he isn't going to risk our relationship to go back to something that didn't work. He told her in no uncertain terms that their relationship was over and not to contact him. It all sounds great, right? Well here is what I am bothered by... she wasn't taking no for an answer and kept calling and being weepy and asking questions about our relationship. He admits now he should have just told her that it was none of her business. However, during one of those calls, she asked him if he was in love with me and he said, "no."

After 6 months, shouldn't we be moving to a place of love by now? I understand taking it slow, but how slow is too slow? I can't help but feel he is with me because it is easy and uncomplicated, which is nice, but I also want to be thought of with adoration. I don't want to be the girlfriend who is a place holder until someone he is instantly in love with comes along. His ex's goal was to drive a wedge between us, and now for the first time in 6 months, I am doubting my relationship.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
It sounds like she has done what she set out to do. The common denominator is him. He needs to lay down the law. You are not going with her. As much as you probably hate her now, she has no power unless he gives it to her. When he said he didn't love you it was like giving her the go ahead. I agree with you.

Too slow is when your feelings are in different places and you are not getting your emotional needs met. At some point you have to not be the easy choice. If he can't step up, it's time to reevaluate the relationship. Don't settle if he is not in it 100% . Find out where you stand and where this is going. She isn't the problem. He is. If he can't commit then everything else doesn't matter

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I have a follow up question. Again, I need to stress that my boyfriend finds my independence and my not needing him for my emotional happiness attractive. He tells me that all the time. But I guess I am putting on a good front for him because my mind is reeling again. I do not play games, but I usually don't call him or text him first because I don't want to be a "needy" girlfriend. For the last 6 months, I have heard from him everyday, several times a day.

We have gotten past the ex situation. I gave him some space last week, he called me everyday and by Wednesday he was making plans for us to go away together for the weekend. We saw each other everyday between Thursday and Sunday, with an overnight getaway on Saturday night. After an initial conversation on Thursday to clear the air about the prior week, we had a great time! Everything seemed back to normal.

However, I have not heard from him the last couple of days. I know it is only Tuesday afternoon, so technically it has only been a day and a half, but this is not like him. I should mention that he is a bar manager, so a couple nights of week, he works til 2am. Last night as I was getting ready to go to bed and I hadn't heard from him all day, I sent a simple text saying I didn't want the day to go by without us at least saying hello. He replied immediately, letting me know his schedule was a little different this week with a bartender on vacation, and asked if we could get together Thursday afternoon when he gets off work.

Am I overreacting that I am feeling like him not contacting me at some point during the day to just say hello is a sign of the end of the relationship? After the last couple of weeks we have had, I am feeling a little insecure about the relationship and need a little reassurance, but am afraid to ask for it. He has had enough neediness with his ex texting every day that she loves him and misses him and I don't want to cause him anymore drama.

I feel like a silly teenager and not the confident, succesful 38 year-old I usually am.

Just putting it in writing is making me feel a little better though. :)
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I hope that writing helps. Since you have been close lately, you may want to relax a little. I completely understand where you are coming from. This break in his pattern can be troubling and cause us to act silly. However it is not serious yet. He said his schedule changed so that may be your answer. Don't be afraid to ask for support. I am not saying to drool over him crying for validation. I just mean that you could use a subtle approach to get some reassurance. Don't worry about being silly - it happens to the best of us
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