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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My wife and I have been together for two years now, we just

Customer Question

My wife and I have been together for two years now, we just got married about 2 1/2 months ago. It is a lesbian relationship.  Everything in our relationship has been fantastic and extremely passionate, until these past couple months. She had an emotional affair with a coworker for a couple weeks until I caught her. ; she went out of town with 6 co workers for work and treated me like i was lower than dirt that week. She was extrememly cold to me, didnt tell me she loved me or missed me.... nothing. When she came back in town, i asked her if she had been cheating on me, which she kept denying over and over again, she said she just didn't know if she was in love with me anymore, that she feels disconnected from me, but she did want us to work out and was very confused. A week went by where I was trying to act as normal as possible, but felt no emotional reciprication from her. I kept bringing it up and she said she just needed time to gain her feelings back and to just act as we were before.... After a week of this, I went through her emails and found an email she thought she deleted to her coworker, talking about how she loved the way she felt around her, how she can make her laugh, smile, how they were so alike and how she was falling for her.... I confronted her on this, and had a very long coversation. I had her leave the house for a couple days to decide what we were going to do. she came back and said she wanted us to work out, that the crush she had was stupid and childish and really wants us to work out. I asked her to stop talking to the coworker, which took some convincing, but she pretty much has on a personal level for the most part but will not delete her from her facebook or twitter. It has been about two weeks now, and am starting to feel a little of what we had, but not much. I still feel an emotional void.... she said she just wants to feel the way she did when we first got together and by us spending more time together that she is kind of getting the feeling back; she is now saying she thinks she is in love with me as before she didn't know.... We are about to move into our new house together, which she said she really wants to do, but I am not getting the passionate feeling i had been getting from her like i was these past two years. I don't know what to do.... any advice would help.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

Those things are great but you need to consider a couples counselor that has training in gay and lesbian issues. You could get so much benefit from that and you would not be guessing. One thing that stood out that bothered me was that she is still on her Facebook. Why is that? If it's over it's over? They don't need to be speaking. The other part is that she seems to change her mind a lot about her feelings. If you are in love that is what you are. You don't need to figure it out constantly. I would be under normal circumstances be skeptical. With big move I would be nervous. Confront her on this and see what she says. don't move if you aren't fairly sure that it will work.


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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I tried to back off yesterday, hoping that it would have a reverse effect which it kind of did; she asked me what was wrong and that she didnt like that I was acting neutral. I asked her about the counselor last night, she said she would go but not because she wanted to, but she would do it for me. I told her that i'm trying to have patience with her, but I'm starting to feel resentment and I wanted her to know that this is completely unfair to me to feel like this for the past couple weeks, wondering " is she in love with me today?". she said she completely understands. She did reiterate that she loves me, wants to be with me and is starting to feel a lot more feeling for me this past week since we have spent quite a bit of time together but still doesn't know if she is in love with me.... How can you want to be with someone and want things to work but can't know if one is in love or not? That's where I am most confused. I know at points ive felt less of that "in love" feeling for her and questioned myself, but then I also know that I have a great healthy relationship, that I am not willing to compromise. I am starting to think that she is confusing lust for love. this is the longest relationship she has ever been in.... I dont think she quite understands that the frilly, butterfly feeling doesn't last forever....

You mentioned about her changing her feelings a lot, actually this is the first time.... She has always been very happy, until these past couple months where we haven't spent much time together, and when we did it's laying in bed.... For the past 6 months I've been working tons, and trying to get this house purchse done (short sale) which completely drained me, and found out I have a heart problem.... to say the least Ive been stressed. She told me that she feels she lost that "connection" we had and found it in this other girl; she said she hasnt had any sexual feeling for her but only emotional feelings... That was 3 weeks ago. Now she says that she has absolutely no feeling for her and knows it was just a stupid crush and wants to focus on getting the feeling back with us, but can't give me any reason why she thinks she fell out of love so quickly and gained feelings for this girl. I'm just so frustrated with not knowing what I need to do to get her to look at me the way she used to. In my heart I don't feel like it is over, otherwise she would have left, she isnt one to do things she doesnt want to do....
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I agree completely with the butterfly feeling. I tell people all the time. Even if she isn't totally committed to counseling it is still worth it. Sometimes people begin to find it worthwhile who originally thought it was useless. I agree with her feelings that she doesn't know her feelings. What is that about? She needs to decide that soon. Find out if she is committed to this relationship. You may have been isolated and busy which could have started the snowball effect. But now it is to put up or shut up. Go to counseling and talk about other girl. Talk about getting feelings back. I don't feel it's over either. She would have left

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