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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My guy is 58, I am 62, and have been together 3 yrs now. We

Customer Question

My guy is 58, I am 62, and have been together 3 yrs now. We generally seem to have the same interests, road trip weekend getaways, and seem to enjoy each others company, he makes me laugh, and work well around the house. I don't want to be married, just enjoy my time with him. He says we are "roommates", helping me around my house. We live together on 2.5 acres, taking care of the farm style living, with animals. I have to say, he told me first date he has communication with 2 of his previous relationships. I later found out how much a part of his life they really are. I mostly know they are home all the time, and he has time when he can call them often, several times a week. I do notice, when he talks to them more, his feelings for me cool. I really have a difficult time when he schedules time away from me to see them. They live, 1 in LA, the other is in Baltimore, where he is now for a week. It just eats at me, I just get outraged. I truly do not want to push him away, but I don't feel how he treats me with these other women, is how I wish to spend the rest of my life. He has no plans to change his friends for me. I am wondering if I am wrong being so emotional, when he spends time with them.

Thank you for your input,
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
He sounds like his past relationships didn't end badly, but it wasn't relationships that worked out. He was up front about it from the beginning. He wanted you to know this so that there would be no surprises later on in the relationship. I think these are relationships that stayed friends with each other. I don't feel he will change this about himself either. You have been together for 3 years and he is with you because he loves you and wants to be with you. You have things in common. You sound like you have great relationship. But are having a problem with him having friends that he was once in a relationship with. But he is with you, you should be worried about this. Enjoy the time that you both spend together. You both need to focus on each other and your relationship. It sounds like a very strong relationship. You mentioned you feel he gets cold when he talks too them. But it might be because they might be talking about problems they are having and it puts him in a different mood. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love and care about you or is backing away from you., It just means he is thinking about his friend. Things that happen in life can make you think and you lose focus on things. I don't think you should worry at all. He was very honest about this with you from the beginning. He is not hiding anything from you. You just need to focus on each other, love each other and keep building a strong relationship.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Hello Again,


I do appreciate you telling me he loves me, he does enjoy living with me at my house. He is good to me in his way. He buys most of the groceries, and starts dinner. He does get home from work about 3 hrs before I do. He has been involved with my family events, most receiently was my mother's funral. But he does not want me to attend his family events. I have met 2 of his 5 siblings shortly after we met, and been with his 25 yr old daughter on 2 occaisions, June, she came to my house to go on a rafting trip. Now his daughter is getting married in 3 weeks, and most of his family will be at attendance. I am not understanding why he will not even talk about why he doesn't want me to attend. I feel like he does not want me to be a part of one of the most important events in his daughters life. I would just like to share in his joy, I feel very disapointed he doesn't want to share this with me.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
He sounds like someone who really cares about you and enjoys what he has with you. A nice home, he contributes to the house, and it thoughtful by starting dinner. These are gestures that shows he cares about what you think. He is showing his love in certain ways. He is involved in your family events which is him wanting to be a part of your life. I am so sorry for the passing of your mom. You must be going through a difficult time right now. He doesn't want you to attend his family events because it might be something that makes him uncomfortable. Maybe he thinks you would have a different opinion of him once you met and was around his family. Some times people keep their family life separate. There is a reason for this and I feel it might have to do with him being under pressure and feeling uncomfortable to be around his family. He loves you and doesn't want you to ever feel uncomfortable. Some times families are outspoken and he might be afraid they will say something wrong that might hurt you. There are reason and I know you are disappointed but he does have a reason I'm sure he could explain.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Hello again Deardebra


I guess I can understand somewhat, I do know he has a very proud feeling for himself, and he has done some wrong things in his past. I know his family does have strong feelings for all the family, close knit, spread over the US. Getting together seldom, mostly because of distance. So the idea about him being uncomfortable with his family opinion could be the issue. I just know how much this wedding day does mean a great deal to him, asking me my opinion on issues about the wedding. I guess this issue of being uncomfortable about what they think of women he chooses to spend time with.


I just got off the phone with his sister, I met 2 yrs ago. He is taking her a yorkshire terrier I raised, to live with her in Colorado. So I insisted I needed to talk to them about my puppy to do a smooth transfer. I now have a little more contact, but very controlled on his side. I wonder if I should not talk about the wedding, "It is a big deal", and just let it go! He know how much it would mean to me to be included.


Thank you for your thought!


Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I was expecting another response to the statements I asked about. I am still very unsertain about the messages he sends me. Most of the time I am translating the mixed messages he sends me. Cooking dinner for me, and starting the fire to warm the house. Then in a conversation later it will come out we are "roommates", don't expect more. He has never said he loves me, or reach over and kiss me. I am NOT his "sole mate". This makes me wonder what this relationship is about and how can I make it better?


Thank you for your opinion

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am wondering what I do to receive more info for my relationshp issues?