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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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i think im loosing the man i love

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im dating a man that i love dearly,he got close with my whole family,i love his family, weve been together for almost 3 1/2 years, im 25 and he is 28. weve disscussed marraige and we feel that it is in our future if things go well with us,we are in no rush because lately things have been rocky with me going through medication for depression and anxiety,i tended to go to the extremes with simple arguements and have almost scared him away a few times,but he is stuck my by side the best he could.. i recently asked him a question, "how would you feel if i moved to atlanta (we live in florida)to stay with my aunt for a while till i gett better emotionally, him and i already live together,we live together right now and have been for a little over a year.i had no intentions on doing that cause i love and want him around all the time. i just wanted to hear him say "no,of coarse not,i would miss you to much,i dont want you to leave".but his response was so no-schalaunte he said"yeah,i'd be fine with that if u went to atlanta for a whileto get straight and emoitionally halthy again". it shocked and hurt me. it made my pit in my stomach fall. did i push him to the brink of him not looking at me as the same girl i was when he met me,before i started stressing out and getting on meds and anti-depressents. i do know tha he loves me,he does care for me.but am i investing to much into a relationship that i shouldnt be? am i setting myself up for failure? i just wasnt him to look at me the way he used to,before when we first started dating,i want those butterflies in my tummy when i see him and he sees me...i was the excitement of both of us so anxious and nervous to see eachother and hug and kiss... is my realtionship on its way to the end? does it sound like he wants to give up and leave? i just wanted to see and feel the romance that i see in movies and stuff, but it hurt to hear him not be so effected with if i left for a while,when on the other hand i would be devestated without him.his explaination was "im not a clingly guy,im ok being alone sometimes,i dont need attention of someone around me 24/7 to make me happy", what do i say this this? is it terrible? what should i do? i calmly left the room and gave him some space after i could tell he didnt want to argue about it or hear me cry and whine for this honestly.. should a woman only be with a man who adores her to no end?? and shows it every day?, he HAS stuck by me when he i had my temper tantrums and blow ups but when i saw a doctor recently we are starting to patch things up, i just want him to WANT and NEED me more and WANT to be around me more, and MISS me if im gone for a weekend, i know there is no other girl, but i just dont know what to do to make him fall deep for me and show it and i want to know how to make him see me as a more valuable woman that he wants a desires. i hope i didnt push it to far by letting him see my bad side before medication,but everytime we fight he always finds a awy to forgive me for starting the arguements and comes back to the house,, i just want him to WANT me more, he says im to clingly  and im always annoying him by "wanting to talk about the relationdhip" and that he thinks every day i have a complaint that i tell him hes not doing somethig right,,or he is hurting my feelings or that i complain to much, i addmitt im emotional and excentric. but what can i do, i just want him to WANT,MISS and ADORE me that way i do him.he is kind of an independant person but i want him to desire me and feel the same way about me as i do him,please give me some advice.

This isn't about makeup or trying to get his attention. This is about you getting better. What you are doing is testing him and it is making you crazy. That is why it isn't good to do. He may love adore and need you, but he may just not need to say it. Men and women are conditioned differently. They don't always need or even know how to say it. You have a sort of fairy tale concept of love. That until you get more realistic is going to make it difficult to have a positive relationship. It puts too many demands on the other person.


As far as your comment regarding your emotional well being, he may not be rejecting you. He may be saying it is okay because he wants you to get better. He may actually be thinking of your needs rather than getting rid of you. He may feel that you will come back happier and wants you to be happy. You see it as rejection. when really it is the opposite.


You get love and affection by being you = not trying to impress him or dressing up. He will do this because he loves you. It is up to you if you feel this is forever. People can't give 100% every day. They have to be emotional over time. If you are not careful you are going to put too much pressure on a partner



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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

but what do i do now? last night when i brought up the subject of my feelings being hurt by what we disscussed he got annoyed and walked off to the living room to sleep, i followed him out there and demanded to know why he sends me texts all day being sweet but then shocks me when i get home by acting like he isnt head over heels for me, arent couples who are inlove supposed to be kissing and cuddling all the time? he walks by me sometimes and doesnt even notice if im there,like im invisivble,last night when e got angry with me following him out to the living to talk he yelled "my gosh,leave me alone,you disgust me, everything about you is annoying and im so OVER it,you are making me hate my life,you disgust me with your negativity and clinglyness,everything u say is a complaint,EVERY day you fight with me".. now what do i do?? i JUST want attention from him!! what do i do to make him swoon over me like i do over him, HOW do i get him to VALUE me?? i feel like im really not that important to him in his life and when i bring it up he gets mad and says im starting fights,i think i share to much of my feelings with him and burden him,but WHATCAN I DO to make him VALUE me again,and Want to be around me more often, i cant run off to tampa every weekend we fight and run to my parents house for thr weekends, i just want him to treat and love me and be affectionate with me the way we used to be before we hit our bumpy roads with my depression/anxiety,i want to NOT be invisible,i dont want to look PATHETIC and DESPERATE for him, i want him to want me around and to value me.

PLEASE give me advice on what i can do to get those things and get back on track



p.s it feels like he doesnt look at me anymore,he says he is still inlove with me,and hes forgiven me for starting fights,but ive been putting myself down even when im right,just to not cause an arguement,he is stubborn and prideful,but when we are happy its like heaven to me, i fee like im seriously slowly loosing him, WHAT CAN I DO to get back on the right track to make our relationship a better and happier one where feel loved and valued, keep n mind i dont know anyone here but him,no frends here yet. please tell me what i can do and give me advice to get him to value and look at me like a beautiful strong woman again

depression has been very tough on me,and i know on him as well, i know im not ugly,but i feel like im not impressing him, i dress very cute now, i wear my makeup perfect,i buy perfume,everything i can think of to get him to notice me.i JUST want the man i fell in love with to come back to me,he and i are perfect for eachother we have a very good chance for a very good and happpy future together,i just need ur advice and help to get back on the happy track we were on before my depression and anxiety hit me.i need help and need you to tell me what i need to do to get his attention/love and affecton, like i said before im not the kind of girl to cheat,especially on him.but i am desperate for those feelings of love and admiration and i want it from do i get my self esteen back since i lost it during depression, i just never feel like im enough for him or he is proud of me, ive done everything i could think of, im desperate for you to please help me by tellling me what i can do to win his love/affection/admiration and respect back,please help me

i forgot to add that since ive been giving in all the time even when im not wrong i think he sees im desperate and lost all me woman strength, i can totally tell im his puppett now because he knows i dont want to loose him,so even if he is way out of line,curses me out and treats me bad i will always submit and try to find ways to blame it on me, now since ive been doing that i see him more and more each day rising up on his pedastol lookin down on me,its almost like he can cuss at me and yell at me for leaving a bedroom light on and god forbid if i argue back "he is always in the right and has the upper hand" now its gotten to the point where i have no self esteem and when we fight i will say sorry and blame it on me just to end the fight,and when i say sorry,and "i love you" he will look at me and sya nothing and when i say" will you say i love you back please?" he gets all high and mighty and says "nah,ill say it when i feel like it. so basically i feel like his doormat and i will always suffer the consequences of my past (with being dramatic and causing arguements) please help me. tell me what to do with everything i am typin,it took me a long time to type it so please do your best to adress all my questionns on needing advice thanks

It does like you need a different type of relationship than he does. You need security that is often felt when receiving affection and verbal reassurance. He is a more confidant and does need physical or verbal reassurance. Because of this neither of you get what you need. You feel he doesn't love you and he feels you are clingy. You become emotional and he becomes abusive. The more you press the issue the worse it gets. You have great points but you have to remember two things: one is that he isn't the kind of person who does those things and a relationship moves away from this type of affection after some time. It becomes less passionate and more comfortable. I would say to communicate with him especially when being far away from home. That is your only choice outside of couples counseling. You can access couples counseling on line. You in the long run need to develop supports in that area. Supportive friendships. Also talk to him as I said but not all the time. Find a quiet time when you are focused and talk about your needs. After that let it go for awhile until the next time
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