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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Hi, Long story short, I went out nearly a year ago now to

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Long story short, I went out nearly a year ago now to a bar with my then girlfriend of about 3 months. It was very crowded and I was very intoxicated. The following morning I woke up not able to remember very much, but with a sense of lingering guilt. Time went by, and I asked my peers that were with me if they had seen me do anything suspicious, etc., and they all confidently replied that I hadn't. Still couldn't fight the guilty feeling and starting racking my brain for what I might have done. Gut instinct tells me I probably was flirting a bit with another girl, of which doesn't bother me that much. HOWEVER, since then (nearly a year later), I have either remembered little details (or completely imagined these details) that would suggest I may have snuck off and engaged in intercourse with another female. I do consider it a possibility that in my paranoia to figure out what happened, I took little details and put together a puzzle that is not necessarily reality. Still, nearly every day I wake up and wonder / stress about the "what if." I love my girlfriend dearly (now dating over a year), and the last thing in the world I would ever want to do is cheat / hurt her some how. Any advice would be very helpful. Thanks!
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
You should not feel this way, you have asked your peers if anything happened, they said nothing happened. You should trust that they are telling you the truth. You can let this guilt bother you that you are having, you didn't do anything wrong. You just feel guilty because you think you did. It actually is causing you to think that you did something. You need to let this go and move on. You don't want this to ruin your relationship when nothing happened. You wake up stressed out over it, you could be dreaming things that happened when they didn't. Don't feel guilty over something you did do. You don't want to tell your girlfriend you think you did something. You are guilty of nothing, let it go and love your girlfriend. You have been dating your girlfriend for a year, focus on her and forget about this situation.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

But what about these "tidbits" of memory, or fantasy, or whatever you call it, that may point in the direction of guilt? My peers tell me I was OK, but if I had "snuck away" it is possible that nobody would have known about it other than me and the other guilty party. I know I would never do anything to harm my girlfriend at this point, but early in the relationship and under the heavy influence of alcohol, I just cant be SURE. Do I tell myself I did not do anything? Or do I just accept that I may never know the real truth, and realize that even if I DID do something, that information would only hurt my girlfriend more than help?

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
You should accept that you are never going to know the truth. It has been too long and what you might be thinking may not even have happened at this point. You have to move on from this because if you keep thinking about it, it is going to cause a problem in your relationship. Your peers have told you they didn't see anything. I understand you might of snuck off, but you don't even remember. The tidbits you are remembering could of been a dream you had that night when you came home. Some times dreams feel real. You have no proof that you did anything, so you need to just have a great relationship with your girlfriend and forget about what may or may not happened. You don't want to live with this guilt for no reason. No one saw you do anything, so you need to move on from this chapter in your life.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
OK that is very helpful and I appreciate it. Last question I promise. Let's hypothetically say that I DID do something deceiptful. Is my relationship based on lies? Or is my currently healthy / happy relationship still legitimate and one to cherish completely? I WANT so desperately to move on from this doubt that I have, but need to know that I am not selfish or deceiptful in moving on from this encounter.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
You have a healthy happy relationship right now and that is what you need to focus on. Forget the past and move forward. You are not being selfish or deceitful. You are moving on from the past because you have a great relationship with your girlfriend who you love that is what is important.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thank you so much for your help. Can I just finally confirm that none of this (even my original question) will be posted on the main page? I don't want this available to the main public.


Thanks again!