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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My husband and I have been married for a number of years. We

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My husband and I have been married for a number of years. We purchased a place that we could go and unwind, have the family up, enjoy nature, etc. Over the years his intent changed to he wants to retire there. I do not and I did tell him. but I do enjoy going there. A couple of years ago without discussing this with me he went ahead and started building a house there. Didn't really ask me where we were going to put it, what kind of house we should build, how to finish it inside, etc. I have not been included in anything. I am so hurt and angry about this, I can't get past it. Our relationship is suffering. What do I do?
I sorry I just got your question. I would be hurt as well. A house is something huge you share together. Find out why he has not included you and what can be done from this point forward. Discuss this openly. What is his reasoning for this. Tell him you are hurt and see how he responds. Maybe he is just thoughtless rather than heartless. Discuss it again and instead find a solution rather than emotion. He is sorry so figure out how t share the experience. It is still possible Take a project on as a couple. To reduce your feelings of isolation. Your task for the discussion is to take on a portion of this work as a couple. Find compromise in what is left of the work
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

He already knows that I am horribly hurt by not including me. I don't even want to spend any time there now. He also informed me that I can't smoke in the "cabin". (We both smoked when we met. He quit about 10 yrs. ago...sincerely, good for him). So by this statement he's telling me that this is his place, not ours. He's been using it for himself and his friends and not telling me. This doesn't sound like I'm included to me. So as to your suggestion that we need to find a task to do together, at this point it holds no water. I've obviously been excluded.

I agree you have been too. This is more than just building a house. I see your point. He has made this into his house with his rules and his friends and his dictatorship. I would seriously consider how much he is dedicated to this relationship. If he wants a separate life you have to consider that he just wants to be alone. I would need to see his motivation for the relationship in terms of counseling and to make a commitment to you in terms of what his new house means for the both of you. See if you can find compromise in making the ground rules for this house. If you truly are hurt and will not be happy with compromise then you may have to take this issue to counseling
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