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i have been dating my boyfriend for almost 11 years now. i

started dating him when i...
i have been dating my boyfriend for almost 11 years now. i started dating him when i was 18. We have 2 children but have never married. my oldest is 5 and a 2 year old. In the beging of our relationship we would party together. socal drug use. i stopped when i found out i was pregnant. he continued. after my 2 year old i begged him to stop because i could see his use on pain pills was out of control. he agreed but was worried about stopping because he self medicated to help with his anxiety depression and OCD. (bad ritual ocd) But he told me he would stop. fast forwad this december where i found out he was lying for the past 2 years and was now worse then every. he hid it well and spent an small fortune on his habbit. I did make him leave and he went to re-hab. He moved back in after and hid 2 relapses from me which i found out about through going through his phone. now i drug test him once a week he has pasted his test but he hit a huge depression and stopped working for 6 weeks. while trying out different anti depression drugs. one seems to be a good fit and i see him for the first time on an up swing. he started back up at work i see him having glimpses of joy again. here is my problem now. i have such resentment towards him i can barely look at him. i love him because he is the father of my kids but what he has put me through for the past 2 years has been almot unforgivable. I know if i leave though he will be back on drugs and my kids deserve a better dad then that. i feel stuck. Could i get my feeling for him i used to have? i'm not sure? I know i am the best thing for him i just don't think he is the best thing for me. What do i do? We tried couples councling but they stated it was to early he need to fix himself before we can work on us. Now where does that leave me?
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Answered in 1 minute by:
4/4/2011
Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Verified

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

are you there there customer?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

i think so i did just pay

Cathy :

Hello nice to see you

Cathy :

no you did not just pay I have disabled your accept button until we have finished with chat

Cathy :

How are you doing today

Cathy :

hello?

Cathy :

are you there?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

yes i am sorry

Cathy :

oh no this can be tricky

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

i have my kids running around

Cathy :

dont apologize

Cathy :

that sounds wonderful

Cathy :

I am glad they are safe and happy

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

oh yes there life never skipped a beat

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

i made sure of that

Cathy :

good

Cathy :

you are a good mom good to hear this

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

thaks

Cathy :

okay I have read your post

Cathy :

and I can well imagine you are at the end of your rope

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

one min k

Cathy :

so I know where yuo are coming from

Cathy :

okay

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

k im back

Cathy :

do you think it would be more convenient for you to chat when the kids are in bed?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

end of my rope....yes

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

they are now

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

that is what i was in the middle of

Cathy :

okay lol

Cathy :

I understand

Cathy :

so you are at the end of your rope and no one would fault you for feeling as you do

Cathy :

your post brings up two distinct questions though

Cathy :

one is your husbands illness

Cathy :

and one is your marriage

Cathy :

as you acknowledge if you leave him he will relapse again

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

not married but partnership...lossey using that word

Cathy :

sorry about that, now I apologize

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

no need

Cathy :

but two distinct questions here

Cathy :

do you wish to leave him or not?

Cathy :

can you leave him or not?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

yes i am worried for my kids sake. i need to keep there dad clean

Cathy :

is that something you can do

Cathy :

well Dad is sick he has a genetic illness that is not going to improve without treatment

Cathy :

and most rehabs do not work

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

he has passed every drug test i give him

Cathy :

so its not so likely

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

so he can't lie anymore

Cathy :

I think he wants to keep you very very much

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

but no honestly i don't think i could leave him

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

even though i fantisize about it

Cathy :

okay so lets hash this out you and me

Cathy :

together

Cathy :

do you still love him screw ups and all?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

k

Cathy :

because I will tell you that its not his fault he is using drugs

Cathy :

he has a genetic illness

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

hmmm

Cathy :

we have identified the gene

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

not sure

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

honestly

Cathy :

and thats why he fell into depression

Cathy :

when he was not using

Cathy :

yes

Cathy :

his brain chemistry is such that he has to use to feel normail

Cathy :

normal

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

right i can see that

Cathy :

I am going to send you some information to read about this when we are finished with chat

Cathy :

that is why you could stop using and he could not

Cathy :

he has something called the Gabra2 genee

Cathy :

gene

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

he says that the pills made it easier to deal with his ocd. it didn't fix it but it eased it

Cathy :

I am sure they did

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

he has BAD ocd

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

always has

Cathy :

what about his parents?

Cathy :

can you tell me about them and their mental health and any alcohol?

Cathy :

either of them?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

his father died 10 years ago in a house fire. the house lit up fast because his mother was a hoarder. she just past away about 6 months ago

Cathy :

so she certainly had mental health issues akin to ocd

Cathy :

she had hocd

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

she had (spelling?) emfisema and was in a chair with h2o for the past 5 years

Cathy :

oh that sounds terrible

Cathy :

so she smoked cigarettes too?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

yes it has been rough

Cathy :

which is also governed by this gene

Cathy :

I am so sorry

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

she quit years before

Cathy :

still what a way to die

Cathy :

You know I am very glad you were there for him these years, very glad

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

yes i know i am too but honestly i don't think he appreciates it

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

i feel like i have taken the mother role and he resents me for it

Cathy :

I dont know him but you can bet the reason he is passing his drug tests is that he knows he might lose you

Cathy :

I am sure he feels you are policing him

Cathy :

or mother

Cathy :

and I am sure he resents it

Cathy :

lets figure out a way to change this around

Cathy :

without giving me any personal info

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

would love that

Cathy :

can you tell me what state you live in?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

MA

Cathy :

me too :)

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

;)

Cathy :

good I am going to refer you to program that is cutting edge that I think will turn this around for you

Cathy :

Its going to take some driving on your part

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

i'm open

Cathy :

but I can tell you straight out

Cathy :

that traditional rehabs do not work

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

he has no insurance right now

Cathy :

I can refer you to Gosnold in Falmouth or Adcare in Worcestor but

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

keep that in mind

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

we are looking into it

Cathy :

he needs no insurance to be seen at UCONNN

Cathy :

and by the way

Cathy :

you must have insurance if you live in MA

Cathy :

Mitt Romney said so

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

ha ha yes i know oops

Cathy :

silly you

Cathy :

if the IRS is snooping on us your goose is cooked

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

meand the kids are insured but mike can't because we are not married

Cathy :

you have MassHealth

Cathy :

I know all my clients do too

Cathy :

I spend a lot of time on the phone with MassHealth

Cathy :

bmc

Cathy :

commonwealth care

Cathy :

you name it

Cathy :

I know em

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

yup nework heath together

Cathy :

yes network health too

Cathy :

LOL
how funny is this

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

i had bcbs at work but it went up to over 1000

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

couldn't swing it

Cathy :

what?

Cathy :

1000 a year?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

no a month for the family plan

Cathy :

or is that your deductible

Cathy :

oh wow

Cathy :

what kind of work do you do?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

yeah employer stopped contributing do to the economy

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

anyway tell me more aboit wocester\

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

typo sorry

Cathy :

not sending you to worcestor I am sending him to UCONN

Cathy :

and they will accept him without insurance

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

dental assistan

Cathy :

and they are one of two of the most cutting edge programs in the country

Cathy :

dental dreams?

Cathy :

does he have a drivers license?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

yes

Cathy :

great

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

and no to dental dreams

Cathy :

I think this is such a great fit

Cathy :

aspen dental?

Cathy :

LOL

Cathy :

I am new to MA

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

i live in pepperell about a hour from worchester

Cathy :

so I like all the dental commercials

Cathy :

okay this is two hours away

Cathy :

but its worth the trip

Cathy :

you might have to admit him one time

Cathy :

and then he can go alone all the other times

Cathy :

so no worries about taking time off from work

Cathy :

but I am going to send you material to read before you decide to do this

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

yes please

Cathy :

I have no idea where pepperell is, what are you near?

Cathy :

I went to college in Worcestor

Cathy :

but I dont know pepperell

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

nh boarder near nashua nh

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

groton

Cathy :

hear haverhill?

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

littleton

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

no

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

not really

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

about an hour

Cathy :

okay this will take a few hours for travel but I am going to refer you anway

Cathy :

anyway

Cathy :

I want to tell you that one of my clients is in court now

Cathy :

on a case where we are negotiating with the judge for drug treatment

Cathy :

and because I am from NYC

Cathy :

I asked the judge to consider five programs I knew of in NY

Cathy :

and the judge flat out told me

Cathy :

we have nothing this good in MA

Cathy :

so I dont know if I felt good about that or bad about that

Cathy :

but I am going to send you this information anyway

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

hmm k

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

so ny

Cathy :

and I want you to talk to them

Cathy :

and see if it can work for you.

Cathy :

Talk to them first and understand that it might take a few days to get through.

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

i can say though this is not a drup issue rehab was not right for mike

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

he has underling issues

Cathy :

I agree

Cathy :

he has both

Cathy :

but the mental health issues can only be addressed after aperiod of sobriety

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

i don't know if one will be a problem with out the other though

Cathy :

the dsm IV says six months

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

yes that is what the couples therepist said

Cathy :

well they treat both mental health and addiction issues and they understand compulsions pretty well

Cathy :

so lets give it a shot and see

Cathy :

nothing to lose here

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

he will be home soon

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

i better make this short

Cathy :

okay I am moving us over to email

JACUSTOMER-jvkq9aea- :

okay

Cathy :

you read over what I have sent tomorow and write me back and let me know what you think

Cathy :

night now

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
Verified
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Cathy
Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,436
1,436 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice

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Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

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