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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have just spent 3 weekends arguing with my husband and have

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I have just spent 3 weekends arguing with my husband and have not slept since Thursday night. I really think we're in trouble. We fight about everything it seems. He is homesick for his country and family, doesn't have many friends here, and doesn't have any hobbies. He's a workaholic. I hardly see him during the workweek and then we fight all weekend. I realized last weekend that I am becoming codependent, or that I am codependent. I think the reason for this is that my husband is from another country and needed my help so much when we got together with the language and day-to day stuff. When we got together at first he needed me to help him a lot. I literally had to teach him how to write a check at the age of 32! He had been travelling in the world for most of his 20's, he was ready to go home and start a life in his country, when he met me. We got married shortly after that. Well 3 years later he doesn't need me to help with his English or navigate day to day life in this country. I have changed so much since we started and I'm realizing I have lost my independent attitude. When he makes plans to visit friends or family I have panic attacks. He resents me for this. I don't blame him, and I take responsibility for this. I am worried though that we have lost our connection. For example, he complains all the time about being bored on the weekend. We had plans for me to finally go to his home and for me to meet his friends and extended family this summer, but the guy who works for my husband is unexpectedly quitting, so my husband is concerned that his buisness won't be in good enough hands this summer to make the trip. Today he looks at me and tells me he might go home next week for a friend's wedding, and next december when we can together to his home because I have time off, he's telling me he might go on a ski trip with his dad. There's no problem with the fact he will go on a trip with his dad, but it hits a nerve with me that we are having problems, we are separate a lot already, and he's taking these trips without me and not doing things alone together-except argue. What do I do? How do I get the love back in our relationship. Please I would appreciate some help, not a therapist referral. He won't go, I will. I just need advice on what to do NOW, the first steps, not the lng term solution.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
This is a complicated relationship. first you have to figure out how to regain your independence. Without that romantic isn't possible. As far as the romance, find ways to be good together again. Schedule time for each other -- quality time. Schedule date nights that reunite the spark that brought you together. No arguing or talk about work. Have a discussion first that you wish to become a positive force together again. Make sure he wants the same thing. Schedule a date night next week and concentrate on being comfortable with each other again. Remember that he doesn't have to need your in those juvenile ways to be a good husband. Find out what he needs or wants. Find a compromise together. He is the one who knows what he wants as well. Make this an issue to work out together.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Do you have tips for me to build confidence and independence while being in a marriage? That is very new to me, I was very independent before when I was single and in other relationships.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

Learn to focus on you to find your independence. Find an activity that is just for you - just for you. This will work to build confidence. Find a interest that responds to your own fulfillment. Try to stop giving 100% so you have time for you. Pull back a little and learn to nurture your own needs. if you find fulfillment in other things you will find confidence. Look for approval but don't depend on it. Find fulfillment in your own successes. Look at what makes you happy other than family and improve on that interest.
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