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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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i just discovered my husband is cheating on me in sex chat,

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i just discovered my husband is cheating on me in sex chat, and all kinds of live porn. we are christian's, and i am a pastor. i found out he's been doing this not only in our 4 yr marriage, but has been doing it long before we met. what causes a man in his childhood to become like this? Also, i feel so alone, i don't know what to do. it's so gross, shocking, devastating, and filthy, i never ever would of guessed this man i love has perverted darkness in his soul. howdo i handle that?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I am sorry for this information about your husband. This has to be devastating in your position as well as your moral fiber. This would shake up any wife. You probably feel that he desires these activities and may even less desirable. Neither are true. Unfortunately I do not believe that abuse or molestation creates this addiction. I think that men become fixated on these images and very quickly become "addicted". Their participation then becomes compulsive spirals out of control. They still make a choice but it becomes like drugs - more and more intoxicating at the expense of their relationship. You need to treat this addiction like his having an affair. First decide if you will maintain your marriage if he gets help. Second be very clear that you won't tolerate it and what the consequences will be if he does this anymore. Discuss why he does this and how he will stop in a safe environment like counseling. Demand that he go. If he doesn't that tells you whether he wants to work this out. Make an appointment for you and slowly work towards being a couple again. I don't know if dressing up helps because it is his addiction not just about the marriage
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
he's been out in the garage for almost 24 hrs. coming in quickley and leaving quickley. i jst can't look at him. why does he stay there instead of trying every way to get me back? i need to know cuz the longer he's doing NOTHING, the more i'm convinced of all the stories in my head like- why did he marry me, and rip my life apart if he'd rather have bought women he perpatrates? i didn't have sex w/ him until our wedding night, i saved myself after being born again, and let no man even "big kiss" me. God purified me, and i even bled on our wedding night. my virginity that was stolen in 2nd grade was restored. He knew, and was very clear it was all from God. He never tried really to touch me cuz he new God would take me away. Our marriage was pure, and Holy. he spit in God's face, and being a Daughter of God given to him by God...i soon felt like a whore? a worker,something he tolerated instead of celebrated. Why? what made him treat me @ such an evil level..i never knew such terror, and on top of it he mentally, emotionally, and verbally abused me, and told me it was all because of me for the past 2 yrs. i came to believe it, and lived with failure,worthless, unlovable, and a big dissapointment that turned hin from God, and he let me. he beat me and publically humiliated me with his tones and words. last night in the blink of an i, i found that all my feelings were right on, and i would confront him, and we fought a lot. he said i'm crazy, and he's sick of this. i said why do i feel jealousy, when i never had before, why does it feel like so many people in our marriage. why are you so silent day in and day out, and never talk with me. he said there's no talking tome, cuz i think i no it all. i don't. God to tells me all kinds of stuff, and about 5:oo pm yesterday he said. he using credit cards to buy sex again "out of nowhere". WHAAAT! satan get behind me! I will show u where to look, and i argued noway God, we talked , or i talked that over with him for months, cuz of the one time he said he went on there. i felt barried, and finally let it go just lat week, and he was so relieved. meanwhile it was going on before we got married i found, and that he quit his international job, and retired because he was sleeping with whores over there, and couldn't deal with his filth, and suddenly announced his retirement. i knew it was wrong, and done for wrong reasons. i told him dont do it like this?? why would u walk away from all you built. because of some drunk above him? he was a big wig over a couple thousand people, and so brillent, and respected. again, i was left breathless. now i find my deep down feelings of something is terribly wrong with him, and i'm afraid for him. just to find out he was already having sex while his very new Christian wife counted minutes until he got home from Malajia, so he could be safe in my arms. why? why? what is this..i am out of my mind. i would rather die then feel this evil puke running threw my viens, my brain is exploding left and right. and i keep thinking it isen't real, it couldn't be. what is this?
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
People can actually become addicted to sex or sexual activity. That's not to say that he isn't responsible or even that he is addicted. I just wanted to present the concept that someone can become compulsively addicted to sex. Which means it has nothing to do with you or your words or your actions. So you can't understand it in terms of what did you do. Nothing. Don't let him give you the blame for this. This is all him! Let him own it. He has to come to you with a plan and a promise if he is staying. I know there is a lot of history - some good some bad - but is this going to be the last straw. It's okay if it is. You do what you feel is right in your heart. As far as his extensive indiscretions that is part of the decisions. How are you going to know when it will end. he has found in you a responsible, loving, respected partner. Is that enough for him. That's for the two of you to figure out. Approach him with your decision first and go from there. if you accept this, you accept all the history too.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
how do you know when it will end? am i enough? why am i not? it so is the last straw. this is an exact repeat of what my dad did to my mom. only he as heartless. care for no one. terry my husband, prays, helps people, random kindess, and helps me, and holds me so close with so much love sometimes. he's 2 people. i dont want him to go to hell, i love him so jst yesterday i was skipping around. but who is that filthy man?and how could he betray me what hecalls the love of his life. this would never and has never entered my head to be so unbelievably hard hearted and cruel? if i dont tell him the truth i have no peace until i come clean, even if it's really small. why doesn't he come out of the garage is my question, and try to talk to me. does that mean he doesn't love? or he's not sorry, or does he want me to leave? in this cybersex thing, or jst a cheater, what doe that usually mean? i'm a Pastor, and i don't know. Suddenly, I'm 5.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
You should tell him the truth. Tell him howyou feel about this. There is no other way. He is in the garage because he is either embarrased or ashamed. It has nothing to do with you; everything to do with him. He is practicing an addiction and is sorry, regretful, even embarraseed. He understands that you are a pastor and this probably results in shame. Think of a drug addiction and you will understands. You have to come together to find a solution as a couple whatever that is. If he has to go, then he has to go. He is avoiding so he remains distant from you. Find a way to talk about this. That's the beginning. if you have to go out there, then that's what you have to do. Avoidance on your part isn't healthy either
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