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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I just found out my 63 year old husband has been having an

Customer Question

I just found out my 63 year old husband has been having an affair for a number of years, while he worked away from home through the week and then deployed overseas. The woman is living in his condo in another city, and they talk via Skype and online. I am now deployed to the same country and we've been planning to adjust assignments to be together.
His first reaction was "how could I look at his private email" but I think he is considering other issues. I just found out today, Saturday, and called him on it. I am in a situation where I cannot really talk to anyone here - this is a small town of gossip among Americans. I'm frankly bewildered because I have been working for over a year to get assigned to the same country, with his encouragement. I don't know what to do, or think......
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
It sounds very confusing. He is definitely having his cake and eating it. I would not make any further plans until this is resolved. This will only support his ability to have both. I would discuss this not just in terms of your pain but where you hope to go from here. You can't make plans based on such dishonesty. he needs to make a choice now! You should examine your relationship now in terms of having a spouse that is so dishonest and hurtful. This should not be swept under the rug. How is he willing to put an end to this considering she is in his condo. That really will dictate everything you need to know. Make your wishes known and demand your own resolutions. His motivation to accommodate them will let you know his intentions for the future
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I understand your answer, but I have additional info that he said in a conversation on phone: he says I hurt him and didn't provide support, which I don't understand. I told him I didn't want him to move to Norfolk, I told him I was unhappy and depressed and he continued with the job. The job (position) is all important. He is high achiever, highly respected, but I'm no powder-puff either (both Foreign Service, high rank/high demands). He refuses so far to be in the wrong. I have discovered he paid for her to meet him in Madrid, before he came home for big family Thanksgiving (two adult children - if I tell them about what he's done, they will be very angry). i'm trying very hard to not retaliate - I love the SOB and we've been married for almost 40 years - I'm so hurt and confused.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

You have a reason to be very hurt, but I want you to be honest with yourself about something. Men who have affairs always make it the other partner's fault. That is their way of rationalizing what is irrational behavior. That is almost always the case. If you internalize blame you let him off the hook. If he is doing this, he is not accepting responsibility for what happened. He is saying yes I had an affair but only because you were not ..... You have to understand that he must take responsibility and be accountable or you can't even start to work on this problem. That is where the healing starts. With forgiveness and accountability]


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