Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hi and thanks for writing JA
are you there customer?
Hi nice to see you
how are you tonight?
I am sure
so your fiances dad passed away
you have my condolences
were they very close?
Thank you. They were very close. It was worse because my fiance and i are both in the military and so he had to go home for the funeral by himself
that is so sad
are you both home now?
Yes. He is sleeping in the bedroom. He's been asleep since he's been home from work. I've barely seen him or talked to him this past week
and you say that the two of you also had a miscarriage?
Last friday night
I am so sorry
very sorry for your loss
do you think he might be depressed?
He didn't seem to affected by it. And when I asked him about it, he said he had just lost his dad and thats worse then a baby he didnt know
I think so but he wont talk to me
He calls and texts his mom and his sister all night long though
when our fathers die it hurts very deeply
of course he would
he misses his dad
I'm not close to my parents so i don't know what he's going through so MY biggest hurt right now is the baby and him distancing himself.
so he talks to his mom and sisters as much as he can
so while you are mourning your miscarriage he is mourning his dad
so that is what created the distance
yes. I dont want to lose him but i seem to be pushing him away and making things worse
You feel he should care more about the baby
Well he was married before me and his ex wife got an abortion but told him she had a miscarriage. And the reaction he described to me about THAT baby and that situation makes it seem like our life together just isnt as great. He says this makes me sound insecure and that i am always comparing our relationship to his last marriage.
is that right?
When you got pregnant did you both plan this together?
did you try to have a baby?
i think care more in general and act the way he used to is more like it. He used to call me during the day or send me messages and now i dont get anything. If i try to get responses out of him he gets angry and tells me he doesnt want to be on the phone
we just did a deployment together and once we got home it was a plan of ours
so you both decided you wanted to be pregnant
was he happy when he found out you were pregnant?
he had called everyone we knew before the test had even completely finished
he even bought 3 extra boxes just to make sure
You know men attach themselves to children after they are born unlike we women who attach before
and his fathers death may have thrown him a curve ball
It sounds as if he is still in mourning for his father
and not able to grieve the loss of the unborn child
and you want that but perhaps he cannot just now do that
can you give him some time on this?
I can deal with his lack of reaction to the miscarriage better now that its been a week. But he's barely talking to me or being affectionate at all
sometimes it takes months to mourn a parent
six months to a year
especially if they were very close
But why is he pushing himself away from me? Im here with him every day and want to help but just seem to make everything worse
he probably hurts right now a
and whatever you are doing or saying is not helping him
especially if you want his attention over this miscarriage
he probably thinks of you as needy right now
I am not saying I agree with him
i just want some of his time. I cant stand sitting next to him on the couch in total silence while he says he doesnt have anything to say but will be texting on his phone the entire time
but I would think if he is consumed with his fathers death and texting his mom and sisters all night and day
You have to give him time. His father just died.
i feel like im losing my best friend right now
He does not need to pay attention to you he is hurting and he needs you to care for him
does that make sense?
but it doesnt seem like he wants anything from me
so instead of demanding his attention
you have to be patient and be there for him
not be so needy in his eyes
that makes sense
you are inadvertantly driving him away
its not intentional on your part at all
we are all like this
we feel someone slipping away from us and we grab on tighter
its human nature
but you have to change that
can i fix this
of course you can
so just not bombard him with "neediness" and just let him come to me?
you are right on target now
make this about him and not about you
even though you have had such a loss
he cant see that just yet
but in time he will come around
Is your Mom alive? sisters?
other female family members?
yes but i don't talk to them
why is that?
my mom flew me to australia when i was 16 and left me there with my dad
she didn't want me anymore
and i dont talk to my dad because 6 months after my mom did that, he left the country without a word
she didnt want you or she didnt think she could parent you?
she didnt want me anymore said that at 40 she didn't want to just be a mother and because my brother was already 18 i was her problem. She said it was my dad's turn
were you a handful when you were a kid?
straight a student, lots of extracurricular activities
quiet and never broke the rules. her and i just never got along
Do you think given what you have lived through that you are the kind of person who needs reassurance?
yeah, i know that to be true
so maybe right now you are needing reassurance and your fiance cannot give that to you
more along the lines of if my own parents could leave why would someone as wonderful and perfect as him not want to leave at some point.
so you are feeling vulnerable and maybe scared too
it hurts so my head comes up with all this craziness about his ex and then i say it out aloud and cause a huge fight
so you want him to say everything is okay
and he cant right now
he said my insecurity was driving him away
and you make it worse when you get all insecure about the ex
that if i kept it up he wouldn't have a choice but to leave
we typed the same thing at each other at the same time
dont do that anymore
which blows the whole "no matter what comes our way" to hell and shatters me all over again
because you are looking to him for the reassurance that you cannot give yourself because your parents failed you
its not his problem
so how do i fix my own head so i dont ruin the best relationship ive ever had?
and he is not the most empathic guy in the bunch
why dont you try therapy for a few sessions?
work out your self esteem issues
get your self confidence working
whats stopping you?
honestly because ive been scared of having to say all the horrible things that happened.
hate people feeling sorry for me and feel like i should be able to just be ok but i know im not
okay so you think we therapists are a motley crew?
i went to one when i was in school for my job with the navy
we run screaming out of the room when we hear terrible awful things?
and we think we are better than you?
they made me go after i hit a girl because she said something on the same day i found out my ex husband had been cheating on me the whole time i was in boot camp and school
so you had a bad experience so now you wont trust us again right?
something like that
okay so why you be talkin to me then?
I am a therapist right?
because i want to fix this finally. I dont want to lose him
and i know i cant do it on my own
just hate knowing that its actually me and my problems causing more problems
so its okay if its about him an you and not okay if its just about you?
so even if its about you
you are still perfect as you are
even if you self sabotaging and screwing things up
you are still perfect so why are you worrying so much?
because i know im not perfect
i KNOW its me doing this
I think you are fine the way you are
even if you are screwing up;
I think you are perfect as you are but you are screwing this up
thats the difference between you and me
so what do you think you will do?
what really really matters to you?
if i want to fix my relationship i obviously need to fix myself. I know i cant do it on my own so i'm going to call a therapist and see what they can do
what do you wish for more than anything?
make very sure you find a therapist who is goo
not feeling like this anymore and to just finally be happy and confident knowing that the person i love and care about isnt going to leave
good and who likes you
find someone who you can talk to and tell all the awful stuff
so you stop feeling so bad
take better care of you please
take much better care of you
thank you very much