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I had been seeing a man for over a year and then found out

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How long does it take...
How long does it take to get an answer?<br/>I had been seeing a man for over a year and then found out he is married. When I found out that he was married and confronted him he swore that I was the first. I told him that if I found out he was cheating on his wife again I would tell her. He begged and pleaded for me not to do that because he "would lose everything". He swore he would never do it again because he had learned his lesson. He said that he hadn't thought about what would happen if he got caught. I have recently learned that he is cheating on her again. I had fallen in love with this man. I had given him my trust, my life, and I am still unable to get past this. He was the first man I had ever fallen in love with, and I am still hurting soooo much. Now he is doing to another woman what he did to me. He doesn't believe that I will tell his wife. He thinks that he can do whatever he wants and that because I love him he can get away with it. My question is....Should I not tell his family about him? I feel like I am partly responsible for the hurt that he is doing to his latest victim. I probably wasn't the first, and maybe if the previous women he cheated with had been responsible and not let him get away with it and keep on doing it I wouldn't have gotten hurt like this. Isn't it my responsibility, my duty as a moral, ethical human being to do whatever I can to stop this man from using and abusing others and hurting them. I can't sleep or eat or think about anything else. What is the RIGHT thing to do?
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 58 minutes by:
4/1/2011
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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You should do what your heart tells you to do since the right thing is relative. I can understand your wanting to tell his wife but make sure its just not out of vindictiveness. If it is out of concern, then go ahead. It won't make your situation any better though. You learned a valuable lesson and know that now. Do what you feel is right. He has proven to be the jerk he is so learn and move on. After you make a decision, then let this go. You probably aren't the first. He will get his through karma. You will get past this and then look back thinking that he wasn't all that.
Time is your friend. You will find better loves and much better ways to have a guy who is committed to you. Keep in mind what they do to someone else they will do to you. When you feel better and you return to your normal schedule you will begin to take your focus off of him. Remember that he has moved on and that has to be your attitude too
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I asked a question that concerns ethics, morals, responsibility...not what my "heart" wants!!!!!!!!!
It doesn't matter what I feel. I have been hurt. I have learned, maybe! None of that is relevant! No one "told" on him before, and I got taken in, used, and hurt. If someone had taken the responsibility on I wouldn't have been put in that position. So, my question was, and is, Is it a MORAL, ETHICAL responsibility or should I just lick my wounds even though I know that my silence pretty well ensures that someone else is going to get hurt??????
Is that clearer? Perhaps I just didn't make it clear before. Maybe I don't need relationship advice, but advice from someone on morals and ethics. I didn't tell on him, I didn't want to hurt his wife and family, I didn't want to hurt him....and because I kept silent he is now messing up one more woman's life. That is my fault, isn't it? It wouldn't have happened if I had had the guts to speak up. It's like getting raped and not telling, isn't it?
Counselor: Cathy, Counselor replied 6 years ago
Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Hi, just jumping in with a question here/information request?

 

whose ethics are we asking about?

 

his or yours?

Thanks for clarifying this.

Warm regards,

Cathy

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Cathy
I did just write a clarification but I am not familiar with this site and I may not have written it in the right place. I don't even know how to ex[plain where I wrote it. Very confusing site, by the way. I can't figure out who is answering what. I thought it was someone called Psychlady. I wrote her a long explanation and still haven't heard anything.
I think that I should just notify PayPal that I did not get any reasonable answer and that I am not at all satisfied with the site. I will wait for two hours and if I haven't received anything by then, that is what I will do.
Tori
Counselor: Cathy, Counselor replied 6 years ago

Hi, yes you did correspond with psychlady but when she opted out I jumped in.

 

Its okay Tori, I don't know what the site looks like from the customer point of view as I only sign on from the expert side, so it could very well be confusing and I will share this observation with JA.

 

Its just fine if you wish to notify PayPal to get your money back. I had read your post and I was just confused when you spoke about ethics if you were talking about your ex lovers or your own and that is why I responded as I did.

 

You know JA is a real and bona fide site and we offer education and information to consumers. While most of us are practicing therapists we offer responses based on our experience that are not therapy. I can imagine you are disappointed with your experience with us but I hope you will try again.

 

I apologize for my confusion with your post. Obviously from what I read you are in a lot of pain and certainly very frustrated. I can not imagne what good you might do by alerting this mans wife as his behavior is really no longer your business and her welfare was never your business but I so do understand how angry you are at being betrayed as you were and how much you wish that no one ever endure what you did. I very much understand this. You do not wish on your worst enemy what happened to you and so you had the thought to warn. This is why I thought you were asking an ethical question about yourself as in? Is it ethical for me to involve myself in someones business that has nothing to do with me? Thats what I thought when I read your post. And the answer is no, its not your business.

As for him? well I think you already know he is without morals or ethics as he could not honor his marriage vows so I cant imagine that you would ask us about him?
Were you?

Okay

Enough for now.

Let me know what serves you best on this and how to best help you?

Warm regards XXXXX XXXXX an awkward and emotion filled post

you take good care of you girl

take much better care of you and your heart

Cathy

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Still missed the question. Is it a moral or ethical responsibility to do one's best to stop an unjust although not illegal practice from being continued? In a sense, what a cheating person is doing is perpetuating a scam on an unsuspecting innocent. I AM my brother's keeper. I help wherever I can in whatever way I can, yet I am sitting back and letting this man continue hurting and using others, just because I don't want to hurt him (I think I don't want to hurt him more than I don't want to hurt his family). That is cowardly, isn't it?
I need to do what is best for everyone EXCEPT him. He knows what he is doing. Others are still in the dark.
Can you understand now what I'm trying to clarify? Am I being a coward because I'm keeping quiet? Do I HAVE to tell to protect others? How can I live with myself if I hurt the man I love (yep! I still do!), and how can I live with myself if I let him hurt others the way he has me?
Counselor: Cathy, Counselor replied 6 years ago

Its just not your business is it :)

It has nothing to do with you.

You wont accomplish a thing but come across as a scorned ex lover.

You can live with yourself by understanding that you are responsible for yourself and your own behaviors and no one elses.

Take the high road on this one and keep your information to yourself.

Its none of your business and you want to tell his wife because you are still in love with him and you want him to hurt as much as he hurt you. Nothing to be gained in this.

Ethically and morally it is wrong for you to talk.

Find a way to heal and move on with your life.

I know you don't like my response any more than you did my colleagues but it would be unethical of me to lie to you.

Its just not your business, its his and its hers and not yours.

Heal, move on and feel better.

I know your heart is broken and you are in great pain but you will feel so so so much worse if you wreck vengeance.

You take good care of you

Warm wishes on such a painful post.

Cathy

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I just don't get it.    In what way is it ethically and morally wrong to talk? <br/><br/>Try seeing it this way. There is a family down the block. I know that the eldest boy has been molesting some of the little boys down the block. It is none of my business. I'm only responsible for my own actions....according to what you have just written. So, I just let the behaviour continue? The little boys like the attention. The older boy is getting what he wants. His behaviour is none of my business, so I just stay silent? Doesn't matter who gets hurt? It just doesn't make any sense to me.<br/><br/>Tori
Counselor: Cathy, Counselor replied 6 years ago

I understand that it may not be fair but if you witness a crime such as molestation, well of course, it is your civic duty to do speak up.

 

Adultery while considered immoral and sinful in many religions is not a crime. It is a violation of a contract between the two spouses. It is really no one's business but the two consenting adults who married.

 

I know this is hard to accept. I have counseled many people in your position and I know its hard to wrap your mind around it, but even if you had an affair and unknowingly or knowingly were a party to the violation of that marriage contract, it is simply not your business.

 

That said, you can do whatever you wish to do about this. I am not for a moment saying you cannot do this, I am saying you will come off looking badly if you do and that it is unlikely you will accomplish anything more than cause more pain.

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Well, Cathy, you got through. I don't care whether I might appear vindictive or not. I simply needed someone to convince me that I wouldn't/couldn't be doing anyone any good. You see, I still have a tiny hope that we will be together eventually. We are all in our 70's, so although I don't WISH it on her maybe she will die or leave him, and since I never "told" I will still be in the running. He wants to still be friends with me. I just didn't think I could be a friend only, but it's been over 6 months since we split up, so maybe he will have gotten rid of the one he replaced me with, and be willing to give me another chance to be just friends.
Thank you for hanging in with me. I'm not very bright and it does take patience for anyone to get something through my thick skull.

Tori
Counselor: Cathy, Counselor replied 6 years ago

Your skull is not thick, if anything you quite intelligent and most thoughtful. On top of this I find you very honest which is a refreshing quality in this day and age.

 

I have a tiny hope that you will meet someone else who can appreciate you and your qualities more than he could. I think you deserve a man who will love and cherish you and would have the presence of mind and strength of character to commit to you. If your ex flame had either he would have gone to his wife, admitted his indiscretion and committed to you. I am personally quite angry by the way he treated both you and his wife and wish he would man up to his behaviors.

I won't be holding my breath on that though.

 

Since you are smart, honest and thoughtful and clearly young at heart why don't you give another guy a chance? You deserve to be treasured.

Think about what I have said?

There are a lot of nice guys out there who would love to have a woman like you.

Cathy

 

 

 

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

Thank you for your kind words, Cathy. I try, really I do, but he was and still is everything to me. I feel so badly for his wife because he really is not at all nice to her, and yet, knowing everything I do about him, I simply can't love him any less. Maybe it's a "mother" thing. We love our kids regardless of how they hurt or disappoint us just because they are who they are. That's the same feeling I have for him. My tough luck!
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you again.

Tori
Counselor: Cathy, Counselor replied 6 years ago
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