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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My boyfriend is suddenly trying to get me to change my hair

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My boyfriend is suddenly trying to get me to change my hair colour via wigs in the bedroom. He has been trying to convince me to dye my hair, however, when I refused as hair treatments tend to destroy it, he wants me to consider a wig.

I'm not sure how I feel about this as I'm ok with lingerie and playful clothing, however, the wig just seems a bit strange to me because it is changing a part of me that is part of my body. However, I don't seem to have problems with hats...

I'm also not sure what this sudden fetish is coming from, and I know it sounds humourous, but he tells me he's never 'done a blonde before' and wants me to wear one.

At the same time, he's been having dreams recently where he is in a threesome, and I am watching another girl touch him. He has no desire for one, and he found it odd since he woke up thinking he might've had a wet dream.
This is just playful and he this is just fantasies. He is curious what you would look like in a blonde wig. It is very normal to fantasies about your partner and wonder things. like he wants to know what you look like as a blonde. You said you have no problem wearing lingerie, hats, this is just another item that he wants to see you wear. Your not physically changing your hair color, you are putting on a wig which is like putting on hat because you can take it off without changing your hair color. The dream he is having doesn't mean he wants to have a threesome. Dreams have many meanings. If you are uncomfortable wearing a wig tell him how you feel about it, that you feel like it changes the physical part of you. But if you look at it as the same as wearing a hat because it is able to be taken off then it is just a playful fantasy he is having.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.

I guess in this part of the relationship where we are learning conflict resolution that works for us, and also because we're subconsciously probably trying to turn the other person into what we want them to be, I wasn't sure what to make of this. I would always ask 'ok, so if I did this, what else is he going to ask me to do?'


I guess the halfway point is to go with him to purchase these things instead of making me do all the leg work for something I'm not completely interested in?

You are both learning about each other in this relationship, your likes your dislikes. You also feel like subconsciously you might be both trying to change each other into what you want each other to be. In a relationship it is important to accept each other for who you are. If you both try and change each other then you both won't be the same people you fell in love with. This is different this is a fantasy that he wants to act out with the one he loves and cares about. His feelings are very strong for you and he doesn't want no one else, but has fantasies about you wearing a wig. It would be a good idea for you both to go be apart of buying the wig. It could be fun. You ask what else is he going to ask you to do? I'm sure this isn't the last thing he will ask you in your relationship. But right now he is asking you to wear a wig because that is his fantasy. This is totally up to you if you want to do this or not. He is not trying to change you at all, this is just a fantasy.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.

Thanks for clarifying that for me. I haven't been in great relationships in the past as my boyfriends were demanding then would take me for granted. I feared that this might happen with this one. I know the whole wig situation sounds silly, but with all the subconscious changes he's wanted me to make recently, I've been getting rather resistant.


I do appreciate your insights very much, and thanks again for your help!


All the best to you.

You welcome and thank you. I don't feel at all that this is the same relationships as your past boyfriends. You said they were demanding and took you for granted. This is not what is happening in this relationship. This is someone who really cares and loves you. He wants to be with you, but is having fantasies about you wearing a wig. You said all the subconscious changes he wants you to make has made you resistant lately. But What you want to do is forget the past relationships you had of those demanding boyfriends and just look at this relationship different. This is someone who is different then those past relationships, so you must treat this relationship different. Even if you suggested something you would like to do. Maybe say you would like to try a new restaurant, or go out somewhere special. Then you will feel like you are also getting back and you want think that he will one day take you for granted. It will be an equal relationship of both of you sharing in each other interests, wants and needs. It's a great balance to give to each other and build a strong relationship with understanding.

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