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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Dear XXXXX, I have been dating a woman I love dearly for about

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I have been dating a woman I love dearly for about 10 months. She told me she is ready to take our relationship to the next level and so was I (I was going to propose to her soon). But, I/we have had one reoccurring problem that just is not going away. She likes to keep in contact with a couple of her ex-boyfriends. She does this via text messages mainly and an occasional phone call. I particularly have a problem with one guy she had a 10+ year relationship with. About 4 months ago, I confronted her about texting him when we were out to a nice dinner and I noticed his name on a couple of text messages she was sending from the table. We discussed the whole issue once we got home. I was very upset. She told me that he meant nothing to her and the texted were just superficial. She had no feeling for him anymore and she would "cut him off" if I wished. I told her to stop texting him. She agreed.

Last month, he sent her a text on her birthday. We were on vacation and she showed it to me. She told me that even though it was hard for her, she cut him off.

Last week I found out she was still texting him the whole time. They usually text one another about once a month, about 3-4 texts each way. I asked her if she was still texting him. She said no. I told her I had evidence to the contrary. She told me once again they were just little superficial text. I told her I thought he was cut off. She argued with me over the definition of "cut off." She also stated that I had nothing to worry about. She loves me and had no feelings for this other guy. She said it was hard for her not to respond to someones text and she still considers him a friend. (They were friends before they started to date.)

I am still very uncomfortable with this and told her. I also told her I felt lied to and I do not trust her anymore. I just wish she would stop and we could get our relationship back on track I really, truly love this woman.

Amy, am I making too much out of these text messages? What should I do??

Thank you,

Confused and Hurt
I am Psychlady but I have some thoughts. I think the fact that you can't trust her and she was willing to go behind your back after she vowed to give up the relationship is really the central issue. You may feel that if she would do this she is willing to disregard your feelings and disrespect you. This is a huge issue and I don't feel that you are being unreasonable. Even if you were being unreasonable, she made a promise and she should have kept that promise. This is why you feel there is no trust. Now this may carry over into other things which is your fear. In reality though you are probably are overgeneralizing because you are hurt. This doesn't mean you are wrong. She has to choose if that is important to you. Or at least keep the contact to a minimum. You two need to compromise however that is beneficial to the relationship which will discourage the deceit. Have a discussion immediately and find a middle ground
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. I think you are right about over generalizing. I was/am hurt. I just wanted you to know one more thing.

This all happened around the holidays. There was also another guy who was texting. When I found out about this guy (toward the end of January) and asked her. At first she told me this was some guy she barely knew. She didn't even have his phone number in her phone. Once again, I knew otherwise. His information was under a woman's name. She told me she did this because she was afraid he would text or show up on New Year's. (He sent her 2 text on new year's eve. She sent him 7.) She did not want me to get upset. She then told me this was some guy who she met last New Year's and they dated briefly. She did fall for him but he blew her off. Supposedly he wanted to get back together and she said no. She said this guy texts her about once every 6 weeks or so. (Her lying about this did not help the situation i was having with the 1st guy.)

We talked about this last week We fought some. She told me if the 2nd guy contacts her again, she would tell him to stop. I told her to keep the contact with the 1st guy to a minium.

What do you think now?
I would be careful about giving too much. Giving too much can lead to resentment later. I am beginning also to get concerned about all this texting especially when there is now several guys. If you are beginning to uncover additional lies, I would start to question her devotion to a long term monogamous relationship. Now this may be just innocent friendship. But you have to consider that she is willing to lie so freely and hide things from you. That is usually not conducive to trust. Continue to enforce the standards that you feel make for a honest relationship but don't give up too much
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