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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I want it to be love, but ...

Resolved Question:

I've been dating my girlfriend for three months. At first, we had a physical attraction for one another. I still do find her stunning. However, she has developed deep, loving feelings for me while I haven't quite for her. I care about her deeply and hate to see her hurt, love to see her smile and treat her like a princess. She treats me well too and shows tons of affection. I don't want to date other people and would hate to lose her, but I haven't developed the same feelings as her and I don't know why. I want to make the relationship work. This is my first true relationship (I'm 23) but second serious relationship for her (she's 20). I've never been in love, I've only had "crushes." I've only had crushes on women I've known a while, but since my first date with my girlfriend was a first-ever meeting and we've spent literally everyday together since then, I've never had a crush on her. Could it be I'm confusing a crush with love? Also, after talking with my parents, they think we moved to fast. She moved in with me about a month ago and, again, we've spent pretty much every minute together since we met. We did spend a weekend apart about two weeks ago but that did not make me fall head over heels for her like she is for me. Again, she is perfect in my eyes and we communicate well and have fun together, but I'm not developing the same feelings that I wish I could. What should I do? I don't want to lose her.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
One thing I encourage is that you find a way to communicate this without hurting her deeply. Before approaching her, try to isolate what it is that you feel you are lacking from her or from the relationship. That doesn't make her a bad person or that you need to separate. It just means that there may be a few things that would make the relationship more fulfilling to you. Even the best relationships can improve and can benefit from targeting benefits that would make you feel more loved. By being honest with yourself you can be more honest with her.

I also like to suggest scheduled quality time (or date nights) to increase the romance in a relationship especially when things have become more routine. Focus on the two of you over work or kids or problems. Just enjoy each other's company.

Lastly try to have regular time by yourself just doing something you enjoy. This can help in missing the relationship which you tried, but do this on a consistent basis
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I will try that, but what makes my mind race is that I've never had that "crush" feeling with her. We moved into a relationship immediately because we knew we both were what the other wanted, but I feel that may have something to do with that as I never had to chase her or miss her since we have spent every minute together since meeting. I know after talking to my parents that there's cute, movie-like love and actual love. I do care about her deeply and don't want anyone else, but I'm lacking any of that crush feeling. Thoughts? And thank you.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
I agree that may have something to do with it too. That "crush" feeling doesn't always happen and even if it does, it wears off fairly quickly. That doesn't last. I agree with your parents. I don't know if you have had that feeling before but it is rare in some cases. Instead of a crush feeling seek passionate love instead. This takes time and effort too but it will be worth it. There is a book that's great and even funny. It's called Mars and Venus Together Forever and Mars and Venus in the Bedroom. Try to work on a longer more realistic feeling. YOu already have the deeper qualities
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