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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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i am a lot more sexual than my boyfriend. weve been together

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i am a lot more sexual than my boyfriend. we've been together for years and like most couples, our sex drive for each other somewhat plateaued over time, or at least in a way. we have a perfect relationship otherwise-we enjoy each other very much, we always have fun together and we have everything in common. we're best friends, but there are times when i feel like we've sort of become..friends. i've brought it up to him a few times over the past year or so, but i'm not the most eloquent speaker and i used some wrong words and arrangements and what i was trying to say came out wrong. this is the only time there's been negativity in our relationship.

since the beginning, our sex has been somewhat one sided-i suck him, we do it and he starts feeling the sensation of orgasm and ends up coming because he can't hold back. it's not bad sex, but he also has trouble making me come -it's only happened a handful of times. he;s really good at touching and licking, and i tell him. but he sort of stopped trying after a while or cutting back his time there.

i'm not sure if it started after or before we began these conversations, but there have been a few (less than 10) times he couldn't get hard. obviously this frustrates him and causes him a lot of stress. but recently, in our most recent conversation, he confessed that even if i start flirting with him he panics that he won't be able to get hard and it takes over his brain and literally prevents him from being able to do anything. i feel terrible about it, and also somewhat responsible since i know at least some of it has to do with the sex talks, which he hates having. finally, i figured it out myself-part of it is (or results from) that now we are a lot less affectionate with each other. this has started changing over the past week or so but i realized we don't have as much physical contact-kissing, touching, things other than intercourse. i touch him but he doesn't return the favor as much as i would like.

since i've already created some damage by the way i've brought it up, how can i repair that? how can i convince him to be more giving, and open to what i want to do, and be a confident lover? i find confidence very sexy, and i feel like he's lost a lot of it. we've tried watching porn a bit (his initiation since he knows i watch porn), but i think part of or most of the issue between us has to do with the fact that we are somewhat sexually unmatched. he's happy with sex in a bed a couple of times a week, and i want him to pee on me. :) which he's not ok with, and that's fine, i know it's not a very reasonable request for most people, but he won't let me hold it when he pees, or let alone really even watch. so that's an example of how it is between us. we lack a type of passion that even if we're more open with each other sexually - (him to me), this might not fix it. if someone told me their desires that i wasn't into--within reason--i would try it at least once and it would turn me on because it turns him on. but it's not that way with us. we don't tear each other's clothes off, and sex usually happens under specific circumstances-he likes it while i am or we're both sleeping.. a lot of the time when i try initiating it, he's busy, not in the mood, something hurts, the game is on, etc. lately he says all that it's driven by his fear of not getting it up. unfortunately this is putting me in a bad mood the next day when i can't get any action, and affects my mood, and subsequently his-over time.

thank you for your help with this.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

It sounds like you are mismatched sexually and this has led to your problems. Of course counseling is always the number one solution especially if it is sexual. This can work wonders.


Fetishes such as peeing can be satisfying but detrimental if the other person does not want to participate. Unless he is into that 100% do not push. You don't want to ask for anything that he is uncomfortable with because this can increase the anxiety he is feeling. This also goes for giviing him a sense of urgency. It takes time and patience but anxiety regarding sex (and not getting hard) can be resolved. There is a great book you would love called Mars and Venus in the Bedroom.


Try to use those communication skills to attempt to create better communication regarding sex. Also make a point to have date nights again wherein you can create intimacy that leads to sex. Unfortunately you have to maitnain a sense of compromise in order to meet him halfway as you are more sexually adventurous then he is. If you can create that sense of safety then the rest will follow.


Open communication about sex is always helpful too. Don't push the envelope too far at first and create a dialogue that is conducive to change

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