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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My heart is breaking. My boyfriend is insisting that I divorce

Customer Question

My heart is breaking. My boyfriend is insisting that I divorce my husband. That does seem the natural corse of events if one has a boyfriend you divorce your husband.... but my husband nor I want this. We like the security (finacial) of our marriage. Up until Monday I was living with my boyfriend when he gave me the ultimatium of "get a divorce or you have to leave me - I can't live like this any longer. " He has not been working for weeks. We are both in our late 40's. He owns his own business. Lets say the econemy sucks. I do love him dearly- It is not that I don't want to be with him, I do. But the thought of a divorce is just terrifiying. I have been through it before - it is heartwrenching. My husband and I fell apart from the beginning. 16 years together- 14 years married. He stopped having relations with me years ago. "Just was to much of a bother" Any advice?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.

You said your heart is breaking. Your boyfriend insist you get a divorce from your husband. You also said it seems like a normal course of action. Yes it is, your boyfriend is upset because he want to move forward with your relationship and he feels like in order to take that next step, you need to get a divorce. Has your boyfriend ever mentioned marriage at all too you? There is a possibility that he might want to take that next step in the relationship and marry you. Has your boyfriend clearly stated why he wants you to get a divorce. I understand what you are saying about the security of your marriage. But your boyfriend is looking to move forward. He wants you to be with him and not be married to someone else. Divorce is very difficult to go through and like you said heart wrenching. But the decision you have to make is how much you want to be with your boyfriend. He left and the only option left if you both want to be together is getting a divorce. It's something you really have to think about is that what you want?

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Yes he does want to marry me. I have never had a marriage that works out. I feel I am the problem in them all. What if I fail at this and mess up all our lives?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
You are not going to fail. Just because other relationship have not worked out doesn't mean this one won't. Love is working through things. You have ups and downs and the person that understands you the most is always there to help you work these trouble times out or reassure you when you have doubts. It is easy to get scared when you are in love and care about someone so much. Your feelings can be overwhelming at times and can even be confusing, but in the end they are feelings of love. You said he wants to marry you, that is a person that is committed to you and his love for you is knowing that he wants to spend the rest of your lives together. You need to trust and put all your fears aside and just love. Don't let the past get in the way of your future together. Let all your doubts go and love each other. You both love each other.
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. I don't trust myself or others easily. Especially when it comes to relationships. Poor judgement. I have just spoken with him a little while ago and he said that I should not be getting a divorce just for his sake but because that is what both my husband and I want. ( I knew that already) But we don't. It's just too painful an idea, even though it is the right idea. Why stay in a relationship, a marriage , that really is not working?
We are just friends. It's a very strange set up.
Thank you for your time and advice Deardebra, I really need someone to talk to.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.

You and your boyfriend have spoken and he has said that you should not get a divorce just for his sake. I see he has thought things over and realized that this is your decision that you and your husband both need to make and that you shouldn't be pressured into doing something you are not ready to do. Your boyfriend cares about how you are feeling. He was upset at first, but seems to realize and is considering your feeling in this situation. You both have decided that you feel getting a divorce is to painful. You not ready to take that step. That is understandable. When your ready you will go through the process of divorce, but until them, your boyfriend will have to be understanding about what you are going through. Your boyfriend seems understanding now. You asked why stay in a relationship that is not really working? Were you and your husband at any point trying to work out your marraige or is it totally over at this point?