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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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My boyfriend is 38 and we have been together for 6 years. For

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My boyfriend is 38 and we have been together for 6 years. For the most part it has been a good stronf relationship, we are good and kinds to each other, love each other very much, have similar jobs morals, interests and ideals. The problem has been that he has been stuck for a long time and unwilling to give me any kind of committment. I've let this go on for too land and 6 weeks ago i said we needed to talk about it. He responded by breakinhg up with me. He traumatisied himself while deciding this. Naturally i'm devestated. He has been on anti depressants for as long as we are together. And gives himself a very hard time and can get stuck. He is adamant and happy with his deciusion although he doesn't seem to be getting on well in life, he spent last weekend in bed. I'm trying to be mature, it''s his decision which he is entitled too. I've taken up new hobbies and spending a lot of time with friends. My head has never been clearer amd i know where i went wrong in the relationship. And i'm working on sorting them for myself and any possible future relationships. The problem is i miss him terrribly and need to contact him after a few days. He will always be there for me and we are both still being kind and good to each other. Everone says i need to give him time. But i feel he won't get out of this loop himself and we had so much it's so hard to let go. He wants us to be friends and lately i've benn thinking that. Us being nice and good and having fun might be exactly what he needs. He seems to have shut down and he just needs an easy time of mit for a while. If i'm in contact or not i'll be waiting for him. What should i do? He really really is a special guy. I don't feel i'll be alnoe forever or lolst without him but i do think he is worth more of a fight?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
You have been in a six year relationship with your boyfriend an you feel he won't commit. I would like about how he lives with his mother and this could be the commitment problem. It might have nothing to do with not committing to you. He might not want to leave his mom, does he feel like he has to take care of her, or feels guilty if he leaves? Maybe he is comfortable living at home? These are questions we need to look at. Now you say you are still talking, you still seem to be in good contact. I don't think this relationship should end. He has a been on anti depressants since you both have been together. He would really handle thing differently. I think that you both need to work this out. I really think talking would really help this situation. If you both care and love each other work this out. You have been together six years. If you said your head has never been clear you now realize where you went wrong in the relationship. Share that with him, you both can talk about how you feel things went wrong and fix each problem together. Understanding how each of you feel will help resolve this issue. Have him explain why he is having trouble with commitment. Ask him questions like, "Is it because......" He might tell you if the question is said. If you have any more questions I'm here to listen.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thanks for answer, He lives with his mother because it makes his life easier... he doesn't have to leave the house to do shopping.. wash his own clothes... etc. He seems to have gotten stuck. He lived on his own for years and returned home to go to college. Thats when we met. he is now in a grerat job that he loves. He has v limited contact with friends apart realyy from myself and his family. his mother is fine on her own. I have spkle and spoke to him about how i feel and am so motivated but his head is set.He doesn't believe people can change.He says he loves me. He says his head feels light. He is incredibly comlpex and hasn't spoken to a counsellor for years. Do i keep away from him and give him time and get on with my life or do i be his friend be the suipport he needs and give him time that way? He is an incredible guy and the pain of being away from him is dreadful
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.

He doesn't believe that people can change, well of course people can change. People can look at there life in a certain way, see things clearer like you have mentioned. If you can look at the things that have happened in the relationship and learn from them. That is you changing because you are able to see some things that have went wrong. I don't think the solution is staying away from him because you care about him and I think he needs some time to think about things. But this doesn't mean you have to walk out of his life. He said he loves you, you don't walk away from someone that still cares and loves you. You both need to keep in contact and see if things can be resolved. It's been six years for both of you and this is a matter of just working things out maybe even as friends to see if things can start over again and be different this time.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i'm not able to stay a\way from him anyhow... i've lasted a week so far and then we meet have a lovely time and then he is gone. he is staying away from me because he is doing right by me. thank you for your advice. i'll be his friend and see how it goes but also carry on with my own life... fingers crossed please
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
Last week you meet and had a nice time together,this is a great step. If you are both able to be friends, I think it would take the pressure off of the relationship and you can get to know each other in a new way. You both might feel more comfortable as friends to communicate to each other. It is good for you to take that time to yourself as well. Hanging out with friends, having a good time. It has helped you see things clearer, so he will also see the change in you and this will reestablish the relationship. I wish you the best and I am here if you have any other questions.

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