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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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Long story short. I met this guy last year in an airport, we

Customer Question

Long story short. I met this guy last year in an airport, we connected and didn't see eachother for 8 months but from time to time facebooked. Then in January he found out I was visiting his home town for a friends birthday and suggested he take me on a date. 6 weeks leading up to me coming down we talked and text everyday quite a lot as well as video messaging, it got really intense and he admitted although he was once a player he wants to settle down and we really started to fall for eachother. He would ring to talk about everything and anything from hopes for the future and bad days at work and would even get jealous and ask questions about other guys. Then the day came we met up again, he wouldn't stop kissing me and telling me how beautiful I was. I stayed at his for 6 days, met his family and friends and all was great. We had a talk before I left about what we do from now, and agreed long distance would be too hard, but we would stay in touch as I am moving to the same town for work in 5 months. He dropped me at the airport and gave me a big hug and kiss and said he'll miss me. That was 3 days ago and he has gone totally cold with me. He hasn't called or text me, if I text him he will reply and be nice but won't initiate contact. I felt lost and confused so text him asking WTF you've played me?! And he said "it's not like that jem I swear,it was just different when u were here. I do want all the things I talked about with you but I don't know where I'm at. i want all the future stuff but when I get the chance to have it with someone like you I dont know what happens to me" what the hell??? I'm so hurt that I've gone from all that to nothing. I don't know what to do. I feel so rejected and my self confidence is trampled. Any advice?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.

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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thanks for your reply. I would talk it out with him but I'd feel like I was hassling him as he has told me long distance isn't going to work etc, this was the text conversation we had exactly....
Me:Thanks for a great week was so nice to see you x
Him:I had a blast was so happy when I saw you and can't beleive you left me your Dora towel to remember you by 
Me:Me too. Got pretty upset on the plane back (yea I know I'm a geek) I left my dora towel?? Nooo!
Him: You left it for me you mean. Yeah crazy (his dog) was crying on the way home too. We both will miss you 
Me: I totally did lol. Aww was she, see the women are always the wimps! I honestly didn't stop crying til I got off the plane it was ridiculous. Feelin a bit lost I guess
Him: Yeah its still like wow ok what happens now as didn't go to plan 
Me: ?
Him: As we said would be hard the long distance 
Me: Yeah, sucks, worst feeling ever knowing it's the only option really. Do u think we should stop texting and stuff
Him: no I would never want that
Me: This is so f**king hard Tom 
Him: I know why aren't u here
Me: You have no idea how much I want to be
Him: But we know not for like 5 months
Me: could be less 
Him: I know but its still a massive time
Me: And I don't want you hangin around waitin for me to be there cas your such a great bloke who deserves to be happy and would never want you to put everything on hold. Even though its so hard I know I have to let it go
Him: I know what you mean. As I want you to have fun nd live life. 
Me: It would of never worked anyway, you don't like mushrooms pfft!
Him: Learn to love peas then come back 
Me: If you can't love me for the pea hater I am then we are better off apart!
Him: fine haha! Night babe

Next day-

Me: I actually rang to talk to you about something but bottled it so I'm gunna write it in a message. I feel really gutted because it feels like I've gone from being this person you claimed you wanted everything with to just nothing. I almost feel a bit played like you've had me so now I'm just some other girl on the pile. Being totally honest, when I said we should just leave it and be friends I was just protecting myself from either getting hurt or looking like an idiot, of course it wasn't what I wanted, and even with the distance and shit I would of made sure it worked. I feel stupid because I told my close friends and family about this amazing guy who wants to be with me and now they are asking questions I just look like a fool. I don't know who I'm angry at, me for making that decision, or you because I know u would never continue this. I've never been this churned up over anyone and I'm just upset and frustrated and confused.

Him: Jem its not like that. I'm serious I do want those things, it was just different when you were here. And I agree to what you said too so that I wouldn't hurt you. As you do deserve the best. But with me at this time I don't know where I am, I know what I want and then when I can sort of have that with some one like you I don't know what happens with me.

Me: Jem its not like that. I'm serious I do want those things, it was just different when you were here. And I agree to what you said too so that I wouldn't hurt you. As you do deserve the best. But with me at this time I don't know where I am, I know what I want and then when I can sort of have that with some one like you I don't know what happens with me.

Me: Well maybe in future you should think about what you say to people and work out if it's what you want before you mess with their feelings

Him: It is what I want but didn't know what happened jem serious 

Then that evening I rang him, he was a football training but answered, I apologised for my shitty message, he said no need to apologise, I said its fine I know we put pressure on ourselves and if he just wants to be friends it's cool and I'd like that and his response was "let's just take things easy and see what happens when you move down okay" then later that night he commented on my Facebook just saying 'peas' cas he takes the Micky out of me for not liking them. That's the last I heard from him :( I'm so devastated I can't think straight
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
Some time when people say things kinda like trying to see what the other person thinks, but doesn't really want that or mean it. But then the other person of course believe that is what the other person wants, cause they said it. You had said in the conversation, "Do u think we should stop texting and stuff?" Is that what you really wanted? No, of course you didn't want that. I see positive responses in when he said about taking things easy and seeing what happens when you move down there. Also him commenting on your facebook with the funny thing about peas. That is just like saying things are going to be ok. It sounds like maybe he got confused somewhere about how you felt in the relationship almost as if he thought you only wanted to be friends. He seems concern about how you feel. It really seems like some miscommunication. This is something that needs to be talked out and explained how you really feel. be honest about your feelings. He seems like he would tell you how he feels also if you tell him how you feel. I think this relationship needs time just to communicate with each other. It just seems like by what the messages look like that he is confused about your feelings.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you. I have one last question if u don't mind? I ended up sending him a txt today out of frustration.....

Me: Hey tom hope your okay and got all that work shit sorted. need to ask you something because I don't think I can stop thinking about it until I get some sort of closure. Did I do something wrong to make u change your mind so much about me? If I'm honest my confidence has gone from ridiculously high to pretty much non existent since I got back, I feel hurt, rejected, foolish, ugly and gullible all at the same time and it's not a nice feeling. I just need to know what I did and then I can let it go and move forward from all this

(2 hours later)

Him:There is nothing wrong with yo. Your are the best but its just me. I font know what happened when you were here nothing bad tho. Serious jem

I haven't replied, what should I do from here? Just leave him alone? Thanks again xxx
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Final update... I waited a few hours and text him back "Thanks I appreciate your honesty. I hope one day you find what your looking for and can be happy. take care tumbleweed(my nickname for him)" to which he replied instantly "peas".... So I think it's totally over and I just have to accept it. Thanks for everything, means so much having someone to talk to x
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

This is Psychlady. It sounds like you have really given him the benefits of the doubt and have given him several chances to clarify what he really wants. Your texts are clear and fair to him in every way. What you want is clear signals that allow you to have your wishes addressed and your questions answered. His reactions seem so inconsistent to his promises. You are reaching out to bring clarity to the situation and you deserve that. You have even given him a chance to move on without feeling guilty. I admire your patience.


As far as the relationship you already know that long distance relationship are very difficult for the reasons you are experiencing. Those long breaks in contact can wear a relationship down. The need for reassurance suffers as the breaks become greater and greater. Even resolution of problems becomes so difficult as you are not face to face.


You can accept your feelings that this is over without guilt and move on to find a more satisfying relationship that does not come with such heartache. This is one choice that gives you closure over hoping that it will get better. You can then move on a relationship that is mutually gratifying. Your other choice is remain in contact as friends or more and hope that he comes around. This however requires that you hang on without opening your heart to another more fulfilling relationship.


I would look to move on since he doesn't seem to be consistent. You can periodically text or not text at all but open your heart to someone who knows what they want.

Expert:  Dear Debra replied 6 years ago.
You were very honest about your feelings and it was good that you expressed yourself. You had said you needed some closure to the relationship. When he says, "I don't know what happened when you were here nothing bad tho." This is him saying that maybe his feeling weren't the same like they changed. He was very kind and considerate to answer you back so that you could understand how he felt. I know that you both were planning on creating a life together and I know this is hard. But it seems like something changed rather quickly. He says it's him, so somewhere it does seem like his feelings changed. Maybe he got nervous or wasn't ready. Maybe you both could remain friends. I am here if you have any more questions.

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