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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I have asked a question last night to Deardebra, I was wondering

Customer Question

I have asked a question last night to Deardebra, I was wondering if I can get another expert's opinion?
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
My name is XXXXX XXXXX I would be glad to accept your question
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you Psychlady,
Here it goes.

i have know this guy for about a year and half, see him at parties and are acquaintances. I have already had a crush on him, and i guess he might have some interest in me too, but he had a gf so nothing ever happened. Now, fast forward four months ago, he came to my bday party ( that time he was single), we kind of flirted and realize that we both like each other. We have kissed only, and hang out a few times and then he left the country for a duration of four months. Over the four months, we kept in touch through email and msging. The frequently was daily at first and two months later, it went down to about 4 times a week or so, for the last month, it was about maybe 2 times a week. He did mention he was stressed out and he was also doing a lots of traveling.

Now he is back, I went to pick him up at the airport, when we saw each other, i know something wasn't really right. Felt like we didnt really know each other, but I still had feelings for him, and I thought i just needed some time to get acquainted again. So, i picked him up, drop him at his house, he invited me and we starte to make out and he wanted to sleep with me. I pushed off politely a couple of times and the night ended when I made a joke about him trying to rape me and he got mad and told me to leave.

For the next couple of days, he didnt contact me, a friend of mine invited him to a party that I was at. At first he said yes then he refuse. When i found out, I got mad and wanted to know what is going on. So I called.

The conversation when like I asked him whats going on, he said give me some time, i told him we are both adults and we can talk about things, if things are not working out we can just be friends. He went on saying when he first saw me at the airport, he felt nothing towards me. so i asked him why he tired to sleep with me, he said because he wanted to see if sleeping with me will bring some feelings back. I then went on telling him how rude that is, and how rude he was that night and how he hurt my feelings. He apologized but sounded like he really didnt care. He was like " okay, its my fault that your upset, im sorry"...with at wutever kind of attitude. So i told him, i thought we can start over, but i guess we cant, he agreed and thats was it.

Now, three days later, I got this email from him:.
I wanted to write you this letter to apologize for the way i behaved and for what happened between us. I felt terrible for what i did, i wasn't thinking clearly then. I don't expect you to ever forgive me,
i just wanted you to know for the past couple of months i have been under a huge amount of stress and im not myself at times.

I also wanted you to know this is not a sympathy letter, im not asking you for forgiveness. I enjoyed our talks when i was away and for what's it's worth i did keep my promise about being faithful.
I really appreciated the amount of time and effort you put in for us. I feel really embarrass, I really hope you understand what im trying to say and i also hope that this email more or less had made
you feel less upset. "

Now, I do miss him, and i do want to think him and I have another shot. We been talking for a while and things were always good. I don't know what to do from now on. I don't know if this email means he actually want to get back with me, or is it a simply an apologize letter and he meant what he said about his feelings towards me. I been so frustrated and I need some advice. What do you think?

Thank you
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
He is the only one who can answer the purpose of the email. That really need to be the focus because that determines whether you have a friend or a boyfriend. I would send one back not really elaborate. "Just getting back to you. I accept your apology. Do want to date for dinner" And see what he says. It can't hurt. It sounds like he really does want to go out. You already have a basis for a good relationship because you have a good friendship. Now if you are scared of being shot down, I can understand. Add line that says "We can always be friends". He will let you know where you stand. I encourage you to find out because otherwise you will always wonder or you will keep trying to read between the lines
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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I understand what you are saying and i completely agree with you. At the end of the day, I need to find out myself, or I just let it go completely. I can't really make up my mind about what to do yet, that is why I am waiting.

However, from a professional point of view like yourself, would you be able to help me explain why he behaved the way he did? How does a person go from really nice, then trying to get into my pants so early on, then basically told me off ( when he told me he doesn't like me and all of that, i can sense stress in his voice), and now, realizing he was mean and what does he want from all of this? Just based on your opinion?

Keep in mind, he has always been really nice to me.

I just want to know where I stand right now, so I don't go run into a wall with hope.

What I truly want is for us to start over, fresh and actually get to know each other again on a personal level.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

I agree that you have the right idea with starting fresh. That always is a great option when things go off track like here.


My concern however is that shift from nice to aggressive kind of. That can mean lots of things so I will give you an examples 1) he is aggressive sexually when he doesn't get what he wants and you didn't know that; 2) he doesn't like women who tell him no; 3) he is sexually immature and doesn't take no seriously 4) he was having a bad day ; 5) theres an overly aggressive person behind a nice facade; 6) he is not really a nice guy; 7) he just misunderstand the sexual cues and made a mistake (this is very possible)


Return his contact and explore a little bit where this has led as far as his expectations. Find a compromise and go for it

Customer: replied 6 years ago.
You brought up great points about your concerns. I have never thought about things that way. I believe when I said no to him about sex, he was frustrated and mad, so when i did call him, he basically told me he was not interested to brush me off and hurt my feeling back. Maybe I hurt his feelings or bruised his ego. And now, he probably slept on it and realize how much of a f*** up he is now, and what he did, he probably does feel remorse. And because i have deleted him of my contacts, fb, bbm and all social links, he probably now thinks I hate him and never want to speak with him again.

See, you open another perspective from me. From the concerns you mentioned and all of reasons, if he is any of that, for example, number 1, or 2, or 5. Do I even want to be with someone like him, because this will eventually come out again. I can't be a yes woman forever, thats not me, I have my principles.

As much as I really like this guy, i wasn't ready to sleep with him and I didn't.

Do you think I should wait for him to email me again, if he really want to be friends with me. Or u think I should just contact him myself?

I guess at the end of the day, i wanna get to the bottom of this, whether we will be together or not.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
If you want to get to the bottom you can text him. See how receptive he is. You probably did bruise his ego. Men hate that. You also have proven to be a very assertive woman and some men hate that too. Ask him out, start fresh but accept whatever answer you get. If he says no, brush yourself off and move on. If he says yes, then make a fresh start but with the understanding that you are not ready for sex and if he is not okay with that, brush yourself off and move.
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