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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Before I asked out my current long-distance girlfriend, she

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Before I asked out my current long-distance girlfriend, she was with a local guy. When she first started dating him I was quite hurt because she had admitted to being in love with me since she first met me, around a year before. However, I realised she wanted something more realistic. During their relationship she queried dumping him, as she didnt have real feelings for him and spent most nights telling me how much she loved me. Around two or three months into their relationship she ended it, and not long after we met up and now are together.
Its a brilliant relationship considering the distance, I love her very much and I ask myself daily how someone so wonderful and beautiful would choose me? I have no doubts of our feelings for each other.
However, we were in conversation just a minute ago, and things got a little suggestive. I suggested oral sex to her when I see her next and she said something along the lines of "its good". I then said "how do you know, you've never had it before". She then proceeded to tell me that her and her ex did stuff, and that she feels bad about it now, but it "just happened"
I know she feels bad about it, but its put me in an awful mood. I've gone offline cause I have no idea what to talk about now. I just picture her as this innocent beautiful girlfriend I have, so pretty and angelic. Now its tainted and I think I dont really want to do that kind of stuff with her, due to the mental pcitures of exactly the same thing happening not too long ago with her and her ex, and her clearly enjoying it. Its ripping into me seriously already.
How am I meant to deal with this?
You have to accept that she experienced sexual acts with ex but separate that that has anything to do with you.
They were in a relationship and did "stuff". Your relationship is separate and different from that. It's not fair to put her on this "angelic' pedastal and pretend that she is damaged now. She is with you. That doesn't mean that she can't have a history with anyone else. I know it's hard but you also have to understand that anything before you cannot have anything to do with you. Build on the relationship that you two have now and let that go. You can't expect that she is a clean slate. That's not fair
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I am in no way taking it out on her. I just need a way to get past it, or will it just annoy me forever more?
She completely understands why I am upet about it as well and is trying to help. She just exlained to me how she never really felt anything for him but with me gets butterflys just talking about me, that I mean much much more to her than he ever did.
When we arrive at that stage, will it just pop back into my head and annoy me?

I can understand why it happened, fair enough, they were together a while and these things happen, it cant be changed, but I cant get the mental images out of my head. How can I deal with it?
I understand. It is really hard to deal with images and they have an annoying way of being intrusive. But you have to put mind over matter and with time you will completely let this go. The emotions you have for each other will overtake any images of him. Just focus on the two of you and the rest will follow. Time and devotion has a way of overcoming even the most disturbing thoughts. This also allows her to reassure you and the emotions to dispel thoughts of him. Put your faith in this and it gradually will become a weaker presence in your mind. I think her dedication will have a long term positive effect. One thing however is avoid asking anymore questions; this will only stimulate your mind with details that are bothersome. Live by: don't ask a question you don't' want the answer too
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